On the Areivim e-mail list there is currently a thread discussing the following from a poster:
"How do you inspire an at-risk teenager? The Poster had a discussion over Shavuos, with a 16 year old boy who might be termed at ‘at risk’ teen. The young man said that he 100% believes that Torah is true and there is a G-d. But he said that he is completely uninspired by his well known and respected Yeshiva and learning and that he couldn’t care less about the minutiae discussed in Gemarah. ...A bright kid, an honest kid, but Gemarah does not turn him on. How does one inspire a kid like this?"
There were many responses to this question including my own where I suggested the teenager be invited to an NCSY event. I have seen very Charedi parents who had a "Kid at Risk" teen bite the bullet of "shame" they felt about sending their very Charedi raised son to NCSY. And in every single case that I am aware of the results were nothing short of miraculous. Those kids blossomed in this new environment and went on to thrive in various Israeli Yeshivos.
There were two individuals with unique perspectives who responded and I would like to share them. Here is the first one:
This particular thread touches close to home in many ways. I'm in Kiruv... was in Chinuch for a long time, and I'm a parent.
1) I wish our schools were able to afford music, art, gym and more for kids throughout their school years. I mean grade one through 12 and perhaps beyond. Of course even if they could afford it, no (Charedi) school would do such a thing. You all know why. The thinking for the boys' schools is “we must try our best to give each kid the ability to become the biggest Gadol B'Torah they can become. These things are distractions and many candidates for greatness will end up becoming Nebech Baal Habatim" if we bring this into their field of vision".
What a shame that kids have to go through so much guilt and embarrassment to just ...BE. What a shame there aren't options for typical high school kids to learn Torah and at the same time become mechanics, computer programmers, musicians, and woodworkers - as a serious L'chatchila option - not as a band-aid for the losers who don't like to learn. My guess is we'd have a lot more happy Jews out there who actually like to learn too.
2) I vividly recall from my classroom teaching days that whenever interesting situations L'mayseh came up in class, even the most bored kid would stop and listen. Unfortunately, educators have been trained to teach Milim (vocabulary), comprehension, and correct Kria (reading), and have forgotten the most important part - love of learning!
There actually is a common phrase that many Rabbeim have. They pass on to one another to tell their classes "No 'what if' questions" - How many kids never ask a question and finally do but are shot down with that phrase? Sure... it doesn't teach Talmudic methodology if you let every question take you on a tangent, but often there's more harm than good done by not taking that tangent.
What would be so bad if a part of every day was dedicated to this sort of discussion? Maybe in the process, the Rebbe could notice the uninspired kids' particular interest and use that as an entry into learning what makes the kids tick.
3) We don't teach Teffilah in a serious way. Imagine if a kid was taught Teffilah each day for all 12 years of his/her schooling. This would actually show that part of daily learning translates into L'mayseh. Plus it teaches Emunah and Yiras Shomayim in a real tangible way.
So let's rephrase the question.... since we DON'T do all this, and probably won't make drastic changes to the system for the foreseeable future, and we've have lots of uninspired teenagers, what to do?
My suggestion is to lay off the kid! Let him be as much as possible. Try as much as possible to keep a healthy Kesher with him.
Patience and love. Lot's of tefillah! Learn to be flexible. Tell your kid you understand that's it's not always thrilling. Oh, and did I mention, lots of love....
Response from another poster:
To my mind this is the primary problem: Not every child is cut out to be Yeshivish, nor Modern Orthodox, nor...
Al Pi Darko means finding the Derekh Ba'avodas HaShem that is right for him. Not just raising him Torah Im Derekh Eretz because his parents are. A boy who will feel "guilt and embarrassment to just be" really belongs elsewhere.
If we really believed Eilu Va'Eilu, we would have no problem with this. (As long as the path in question actually qualifies as an Eilu in the parents' opinion.)
(Children) can learn language when young in ways that are impossible later. I understand the reason for stressing Milim and correct Qeri'ah. Learning to love learning is also harder when older, but not as hard.
OTOH, Havanah (understanding) of a Shaqla Vetariah is developmentally advanced for grade school children. I think this is why MO schools, which place more relative stress of Havanah over Qeri'ah in Gemarah than do Charedi ones (of any stripe of chareidi), do not end up producing more impressive learners in their high school students.
In line with the idea of teaching Shailos and Teshuvos and teaching Tefillah, how about Shailos and Teshuvos in Dinei Mamunus in particular? Teach children about how daily learning directly ties to daily life. Wasn't that the reason for starting with Shenayim Ochazim to begin with?
(As for) teach(ing) Teffilah in a serious way... You won't get any argument from me. That's why I give a class on "Teffilah: Beyond the words" to adults. They aren't getting it before then...
I found that NCSY helps the FFB. Nothing like watching someone who is keeping one of their first Shabbasos to make you realize what you're taking for granted. It also excites some teens into learning if they realize they can then take that info and mentor. The whole Sevivah (environment) encourages hands-on, (and) doesn't stop at the Beis Medrash door.
