Wedding ceremonies in Judaism are amongst the richest traditions of our faith. They are a beautiful conglomeration of traditions and rituals all of which culminate in the bonding of two souls for life. Perhaps the most well known of the rituals taking place under the Chupah is the “Harei At” whereupon the Chasan proclaims his Kinyan Kidushin to the Kallah and places the ring on her index finger. But in some ceremonies I’ve attended there is a counter event of this type that takes place. The Kallah will give a ring to the Chasan.
In Judaism when a Kallah gives a ring to her Chasan it nullifies the Kinyan Kidushin which, in turn, nullifies the entire marriage ceremony. This is because it looks like she is giving back the ring and rejecting the Kinyan Kidushin. Yet there are some Orthodox rabbis who actually allow it. A few years ago I attended a wedding and saw an Orthodox Mesader Kiddushin, Rabbi Saul Berman, allowing it immediately after the “Harei At” and the placement by the Chasan of the ring on her finger. He first explained that the ring she received from the Chasan was not being returned and that her giving the Chasan a ring should in no way to be perceived as part of the actual ceremony. The Kallah then proceeded to say Ani L'Dodi etc, which is the formula statement often used in such ceremonies, and give the Chasan a ring.
Now I do not know if Rabbi Berman’s explanation serves as enough of a disclaimer to allow for this procedure, but even if granting him the benefit of the doubt, it does seem like a loophole circumventing Halacha in yet another bow to social feminism.
What possible purpose is served in such a ceremony other than to cater to a clearly feminist agenda? Who gained anything by it? I know the Kallah quite well. She is a very fine individual. But she is a very strident feminist. And I believe that this orientation was the sole motivator here.
Is this a good thing? Should we be trying to accommodate every feminist complaint about equality of the sexes… to the point of twisting Halacha into a pretzel, so that it seems more politically correct? Isn’t there a greater good to be served by keeping the purity of the ceremony intact and not suffusing it with a feminist overtone and thus blurring the Halachos of Kinyan Kidushin?
Rabbi Berman is a knowledgeable Rabbi, a leader of left wing Modern Orthodoxy, who is quite brilliant, a man I admire and respect. But I disagree with this innovation. Even if Rabbi Berman is on solid Halachic grounds, what is to stop a rabbi of lesser intellect and/or knowledge from emulating him improperly? I think that there is a real danger here.
I am opposed to having these types of “double ring” ceremonies, not because I disagree with the Halachic acceptability of it. (Although I am not sure Rabbi Berman’s explanation during the Chupah ceremony is a universally acceptable method of doing so.) I am opposed to it more on socio-ideological grounds. It adds nothing and detracts much from our tradition and obscures the Halacha itself.
And it is for this reason that I also frown upon the custom of those men who wear wedding bands even if donned after the Chupah ceremony. To me it shows that either the person is an ignoramus on this issue, or he wishes to pay attention to a social custom and fashion at the expense of having knowledgeable people think him ignorant.
Now I say this fully realizing that many sincere and honorable men wear wedding bands. A very close member of my family does. And the motivations are quite innocent and even noble. They want to let the world know that they are married and this is the American symbol for it. Or, I’m told, that in many cases a married man is simply concerned about his wife's opinion of what the band means to them and their marriage. This is all well and good. But, in most cases I think ignorance of Halacha is equally a factor. And for those who do know the Halachos of Kiddushin and still wear a ring, they simply do not care that knowledgeable Bnei Torah will think them ignorant.
The only way I would see it as not ignorant is if the entire western world considered it improper for a married man not to wear a wedding band. Then of course I would have no problem at all with it post Chupa. But that is certainly not the case. There are many married men in western culture who do not wear a wedding band. And to be sure, this is almost certainly and entirely western cultural phenomenon. I doubt that any Frum Jew in pre-holocaust Europe ever wore a wedding band.
It would therefore seem to me that a knowledgeable Torah Jew would not allow fashion to trump possible perceptions by knowledgeable Bnei Torah that he is ignorant. And it does make him look ignorant, even if he is not... at least to me.
