Once again I am drawn to the plight of Baalei Teshuva. I read with interest an essay written by Yaakov Astor. And it was quite poignant as to the trials and tribulations that many of them go through. And indeed my heart goes out to those who have to travel down this difficult road. I once again I state my awe of their trek and their commitment to Judaism, coming from a past that is often relatively empty of it. The sincerity they bring to the table should be a model for all of us.
Mr. Astor asks a question about divorce rates and wonders whether a statistic someone cited to him is accurate. Is it true that Baalei Teshuva have the same high rate of divorce as does the secular world? The answer seems to be yes, it does.
One wonders why that should be the case. After all what better way to start a life together can two people have than the shared experience of becoming Frum? Both have similar backgrounds and both are going in the same direction. Both are sincere and not frivolous people. What gives?
Mr. Astor goes on to list several reasons why, among them, a lack of parental support system in many cases, and the increased financial burden of being Frum. And it was suggested to him that the courtship process should be longer for Baalei Teshuva than those who are raised Frum from birth (FFB): six months versus 6 weeks! This may very well be a good idea and I would even add that those of us who are raised FFB should in many cases consider longer courtships as well.
But I think there is an additional and very serious cause to the high divorce rate as it applies in the Charedi world especially in Israel. It comes in the form of both marriage partners having unrealistic expectations. Many are young men, Baalei Teshuva, say in their early twenties, who have been Frum for a few years and learning in Yeshivos. As newcomers to the Torah world, they are brought along in a process that emphasizes the Charedi Hashkafa of learning full time for as long as possible. They are indoctrinated to believe that working for a living is a B’Dieved at best and that one must sacrifice materially for as long as possible in order to achieve this lofty lifestyle.
This is of course consistent with their overall approach to life. But as it applies to a Baal Teshuva, it can have even more disastrous consequences than it does for those of us who are FFB. Baalei Teshuva are far more susceptible to this kind of indoctrination. That is after all what they are seeking to begin with. They want to know what to do in order to be the best Jew they can. They look to and trust their mentors for guidance and they have no background; no perspective of other Hashkafos. Past Rebbeim or Frum parents or siblings are not available for them to reflect off of in order to understand the possible consequences of decisions made for them. They see their mentors only in the most ideal of lights, men and women in shining armor guiding them down the path of a Torah true lifestyle. Challenging the decisions of those who helped them achieve a Torah lifestyle is completely out of the question. In some cases these teachings will lead to an unexpected life of poverty and misery.
Of course that isn’t how they start out. They see a life of Torah learning and sacrifice that will bring them true happiness… the happiness of Torah. But after a few years of family growth and mounting debt, the strains upon the marriage relationship can quickly go south. And marriages will sometimes reach a breaking point. After ten or fifteen years of marriage, living in cramped quarters with many children, mounds of unpaid bills, and in many cases no family support, the Baal Teshuva who may have begun training for a profession before becoming Frum but stopped short of completing it, will not have any means to start providing for his family even if he wants to.
It is not too difficult to see how resentment may set in and how a husband and wife, once idyllic in the service to God and their chosen lifestyle may now be bitter and resentful to each other. A husband untrained and unable to find work can weigh heavily upon a marriage where a wife goes to the grocery store and is told that she no longer has credit there.
The problem with some Charedi Kiruv workers is that they fail to take into account the backgrounds and strengths of their charges. They pretty much indoctrinate these fine young Jews to reject everything about their past, often insisting they drop out of college and instaed learn full time. This is not true of all Charedi Kiruv workers to be sure. The good ones (and I hope that includes the majority of them) usually tell them to finish their degrees first and guide them into a religious path best suited for them.
But in far too many cases (and I have heard first hand testimony) this is not the case. In one family I know, after over twenty years of marriage and many children, the couple is getting divorced. The husband upon embarking upon his journey toward becoming Frum was told to drop out of his college after completing three of his four years toward a degree. That would have provided him with a wonderful Parnassa. But he was idealistic about it his future as a Frum Jew learning full time and so was his wife. The result many years later was the scenario I described above. No job, No prospects. The strain was too much. Now I am not saying there weren’t other issues. But the financial strain was a huge part of it.
Not every Charedi Baal Teshuva subjected to this kind of indoctrination ends up this way of course. Some of them with tremendous courage “escape” the tyranny of the system. But they do look at it as an escape. They went against the grain of being advised to “tough it out”. Those Baalei Teshuva got out early enough to prevent the kind of descending poverty that grips those who “stayed too long at the fair”.
I think it is time for those rabbinic leaders who are involved with Kiruv to take another look at the system and change things. That should even be a priority over my oft expressed desire to overhaul the entire educational system. Baalei Teshuva are far too precious an asset to end up at the rock bottom of the Torah world.
