There is something happening in the Torah world that has perhaps gone somewhat unnoticed. Well, not unnoticed entirely but certainly swept under the carpet a bit at least in terms of the sheer number of families it affects.
Last Sunday I attended a wedding of a Lubavitcher Chasid. As is usually the case with ultra Orthodox type families, he had many siblings. During the family pictures I noticed one of his siblings was married and clean shaven. His wife did not cover her hair. Yet they were an integral part of the family. You could see that there was no rejection of this child at all, the love between parent and child was there in full.
I do not know how it happened that one child so drastically dropped the signature Chabad Minhag of growing a full beard, shaving to a clean cut look. Nor am I even sure what the level of observance is. But there he was an integral part of the family.
And he is not the only one I’ve seen like that. I know a few Lubavitchers like that. Some minimally Frum and others not Frum at all. I’ve observed it more and more with the passing of time amongst Chasidim and non Chasidic Charedim as well.
There has been much written about “kids at risk’. I certainly have done my share. But I’m not entirely sure all these children can be classified in the ‘at risk’ category. Especially when they maintain thier Yiddishkeit, albeit outside the norms of their own families.
Many of the things I talk about here seem to me contributory to this phenomenon. In some cases ignoring or mishandling serious questions of faith is the precipitating factor. Not every child will be satisfied with a question of faith being brushed off and will begin to investigate things on his own without any proper any proper Hashkafic guidance.
Other contributory factors are: the over-emphasis on learning Gemarah, the disparaging of studying anything else besides that, the belittling of any one outside their circles as lesser human beings, the lack of any outlets from the religious pressures on their lives … and it all adds up. Not every child is cut out for the lifestyle of a saint.
Yet this is the role model constantly thrust at them. This is the ideal they are expected to emulate. And in the vast majority of cases they never reach those goals. Only the best and the brightest that have been able to buy into those Hashkafos ever make it to a good and productive life by adopting fully the full time learning values of the non-Chasidic world of Charedim. Only the most sheltered of Chasidic children will completely buy into the Hashkafos and lifestyles of their parents.
The rest, either just settle on being less than 'par' and in some cases practice their Judaism accordingly. But in some cases they just drop, out giving up on religion all together. And often it is accompanied with the very steep price of tremendous guilt. Those are probably the ones who end up doing drugs. Drugs enable them to escape from the reality of being considered failures by their communities and therefore by themselves.
But what I now believe is now more and more the case, is that children are just opting out of what they perceive as the extremism of their parents version of Judaism but are actually still Shomer Mitzvos.
But I don’t really want to dwell on how or why they became that way. My point here is to wonder just how vast this phenomenon really is and think about how we treat these children once that have rebelled, whether all the way or partially. Perhaps in all cases we should think and act differently.
In cases where children are basically still observant, maybe there should just be an acceptance of reality and the willingness to continue the relationship in its new incarnation …not necesarily in the hope that they will ‘come around’ but in the sense that they are at least observant, but just not Lubavitch …or Charedi … or Chasidish … or whatever brand of Yiddishkeit their families adhere to. One can still hope in thir hearts that they will come around and accept the family Mesorah at some point, but that should be kept to themselves and the emphasis should be on the ‘good’ that is, not on the ‘better’ that could be.
Not all children who drop out become drug addled sex addicts. Some simply want out of the highly structured and prohibitive lifestyles that their parents have chosen for them which far too often includes a lifetime of poverty.
Am I observing this phenomenon through my own prejudices? Maybe, but I’m not the only one. There is a fascinating article on Proffesor Menachem Firiedman in Ha’aretz that touches on many aspects of his work. On this issue:
Friedman believes the financial collapse will also alter the religious character of ultra-Orthodox society. The mere necessity of entering the labor market will make the ultra-Orthodox increasingly resemble the religious Zionists: less separatism, and with a much higher percentage of people becoming nonreligious, something like "a secular child in every family."
I think this is a valid observation.
Obviously when a child drops religious observance, that is not a good thing. But what about just dropping Charedism? Or Chasidism? Or Chabad? In my view when any child who does not buy into his parents or his community's Hashkafos but is willing to remain observant, then his parents have to be thankful. Parental acceptance or perhaps even encouragement is the key to successful transitions from one religious environment into another. Because when there is strong resistance or opposition the rebellion can go much further.
It wouldn’t surprise me that the children I see that have rejected their parents Hashkafos yet are still warmly welcomed into the family are still religious because of it.
I realize the problems are a lot more complex than what I have suggested. But I also think this is a fair partial analysis.
A word about Modern Orthodox dropouts. In these cases, dropouts always mean leaving observance completely. This is a major problem too. I’ve seen it. But it s a much more silent problem. I suppose this is in part the case because the more secular lifestyle a family leads, the easier it is to accept a child leaving the fold, and in fact it isn’t that noticeable on the surface.
And considering that many in Modern Orthodoxy are MO-Lite and have not benefitted from the more intensive religious education in other Orthodox segments of Jewry. As such they may not understand the significance of that loss to their children. They may instead just look at the secular successes and be proud of that… while paying lip service in lamenting their children’s dropping observance.
And it isn’t too had to understand that a child who comes from a household that is lite on observance can so easily slip away from Yiddishkeit. The anguish of MO Lite parents, therefore, is just not that apparent, if it is there at all.
Just to be clear, I say this only about many but certainly not all MO Lites. There are also many MO lites who are indeed grieved when it happens to them. And obviously a serious Centrist would feel the same pain as a serious Charedi or Chasid would.
