Recently the issue of men and women shaking hands with each other came up again. This time a Canadian public official, Richmond Hill deputy mayor Brenda Hogg, was embarrassed by a virtual recoiling of 2 Chasidic rabbis (I believe they were Lubavitcher rabbis) when they refused to shake her hand. As columnist Barabra Kay put it:
Two Hasidic rabbis who embarrassed Richmond Hill deputy mayor Brenda Hogg at a menorah-lighting ceremony last year (news of which only reached the public recently) when they not only refused to take her proffered hand in a receiving line, they reacted with disgust at the very idea.
Frankly I am embarrassed by their behavior. Not that they don’t have a Halachic basis in never touching women under any circumstances. They certainly do. The Halacha is based on a dispute about whether physical contact between the sexes is permissible when there is no erotic context. According to some authorities it is still forbidden.
The stringency is based on the idea of preventing any sexual activity that could result via erotic thoughts that might be generated. The sages have developed a code of behavior so as to avoid that eventuality. Any pre-sexual activity such as kissing is forbidden except in a marital context. Taken to its extreme some Poskim say that any physical contact at all should be avoided. The s;ightest touch is to be treated as though it were the most severe violation of Halacha. A term often used by those Poskim is Yehorag V’Al Yavor. One should give up his life before transgressing.
Chasidim are generally the most adherent of this stringent approach. That is of course their right. Violation of sexual intimacy laws is so severe that they simply refrain from all physical contact. But how far should that attitude go? Should one be so adamant about it that it will cause embarrassment to another human being who is unaware of such religious stringencies - never to rely on a leniency?
I think the answer is not only may that one rely… but one should rely… on such leniencies in situations where embarrassment results, even if one is generally stringent.
The leniency is based on Halachic sources that allow contact She’Lo B’Derech Chiba. This means when there is no erotic connotation, then touching between the sexes is permitted. Certainly social handshaking that is a common practice in western culture falls into that category.
Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik has agreed with this rationale based on the Jeruslaem Talmud’s description of the biblical Sotah (19A) process. The Gemarah there talks about the Kohen’s obligation to place his hands under the Sotah’s hand, raise it together with his hand, and wave them together. One of the ways of doing that described in that Gemarah so as to avoid violating rabbinic law with respect to physical conact is to use an older Kohen who is beyond the age of erotic thoughts. This clearly shows the intent of those laws. It is to prevent erotic thoughts which often lead to violating laws of sexual behavior.
There are many other such proofs. Another one is the Gemarah in Kesuvos (17A) that tells us about the Amora Rav Acha who carried a bride (not his wife) on his shoulders at a wedding. True the answer given is that in his mind she was like a ‘stick of wood’ which the saintly Rav Acha was uniquely qualified to state about his personal state of mind. But this clearly shows the intent of the law. It is the concern about arousing sexual impulses. When there is clearly no such context as is the case in a public handshaking, then there should be no violation of Halacha.
Nonetheless, there are some Rabbanim who Paskin that one should avoid any and all contact, no matter what.
And that brings me back to Barbara Kay. She is righteously indignant at the behavior of those Chasidic rabbis who publicaly recoiled at the thought of shaking a woman’s hand.
The humiliation deputy mayor Hogg felt because of those rabbis should be enough of a reason to not have done so. Instead they should have relied on the majority of Poskim who permit touching between the sexes SheLo B’Derech Chiba – when there is no erotic context.
But even if one wants to go the extra mile and avoid all contact… a disgusted reaction to her is certainly not part of that.
A simple explanation of their religious beliefs to the deputy mayor prior to their public meeting might have been sufficient and proabably would have avoided this entire incident. Public handshaking is a very common practice and should have been anticipated. But once a human being extends a hand in friendly non erotic context and it then is left hanging while the respondent recoils… well that is pretty insulting. And it’s ultimately a Chilul HaShem in my view especially when there were so many ways to have avoided it.
Yet there are far too many people who defended these rabbis.
This is not a Charedi or modern Orthodox issue. Even Charedi Poskim who are normally very stringent about this issue are lenient when it comes to embarrassing others in public. Among many, Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky has been quoted as saying that one should shake hands and not embarrass others at the expense of one’s Chumros.
Unfortunately when columnist Barbara Kay wrote about it criticizing those Chasidic rabbis it generated the following response:
In regards to your recent piece opining on Deputy Mayor Brenda Hogg's treatment by some Chabadnik Chasidim, I'm not going to call you a self-hating Jew. Actually, I am sure you're quite fond of yourself. It's other Jews you seem to hate, specifically those who try to make their lives fit to what they think the Torah requires of them, instead of the more popular secular attitude that says the Torah should be adjusted to fit our lives.
Right. She hates all other Jews except herself. This is how far too many Jews see people like Barbara Kay who believe it is better to rely on the leniencies than to embarrass others. I guess that makes Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky a Jew hater too – except for himself of course.
