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| Leah Vincent as she appeared on Katie Curic's talk show |
Recently, Yeshiva World News reported that one of the Rebbes of Satmar has been reporting an increase in cancer in his community rachmana litzlan. While no one can vouch for the accuracy of what was actually said, it seems that after some examination they (it is unclear who else was involved) concluded that it might possibly be due to a breach of tznius in their community – highlighting that it may be the wearing of excessive make-up. To this end, a new Vaad was created accompanied with a solicitation for funds.
I can’t believe that anyone with even a modicum of intelligence
would ‘buy’ the suggestion that an increase in the incidence of cancer in a
particular community is due to the fact that some of their female members (not
the ones suffering from cancer) wear too much makeup. And yet the leader of one
of the largest segments of Orthodox Judaism has actually suggested that might
very well be the case.
I mention this in light of an article published in Jewish World Review (JWR) by Rabbi Avi Joseph. He wrote an open letter to Leah Vincent explaining why he did not ‘become her’… meaning why he did not abandon Torah
observance despite having had a similar
background and similar ‘yearnings’.
While I appreciate his perspective which in many ways mimics
my own, I have to take issue with the implication of his words. He seems to be
judging Ms. Vincent and claiming authority to do that by revealing a shared adolescent experience. From JWR:
Like you, as a teenager, I was drawn to the opposite sex. Like you, I experienced an engine humming in my gut with brakes nowhere in sight. It was new and it was engaging.
Like you, my parents and educators told me that following primal attraction at that age would be destructive. Boy girl stuff was wondrous -- two human becoming one was magical -- they said, when courtship was a dance that led down the wedding aisle. Otherwise, they opined, women tend to pursue love and men tend to chase sex, all while using the language of the other. Without the maturity of age and the grounding of marriage, both men and women are often left alone and adrift, broken hearts held together with anger and suspicion.
OK. Let us concede that these are indeed experiences that
they had in common. But it takes quite a
bit of Chutzpah to imply that these shared experiences nonetheless could have had different
results as his personal situation shows. The the truth is that they did not have same experiences. Not even
close. The mere fact that Rabbi Joseph is a man and Ms. Vincent is a woman in a
world where male / female roles are so clearly defined and separated is enough of a reason to reject this comparison. The educational
experiences of Charedi men and women are vastly different from each other even
as their Hashkafos are the same. The pressures on them entirely different and
not comparable.
In the Charedi world boys are subjected to intensive Torah
study in subjects like Gemarah. Girls do not study any Gemara at all. Boys are
required to spend an excessive amount of time in the Yeshiva. Their day typically at 7:30 AM and lasts until 10PM or later
if they are Masmidim (diligently dedicated to Torah study). Girls start their school
day later and end it much earlier - typically at 4 or 5 PM. Her curriculum will
include a wider variety of religious and secular subjects. Many Girl’s high schools offer offer extra
curricular activities like participating in a school play. This is unavailable
to Charedi boys.
For girls, there is a constant emphasis by the teachers on Tznius (dressing
modestly). They are taught to dress in ways that are not only in accordance
with letter of Halacha but to go well beyond it and dress in ways that are not
attracting to boys. They are taught to avoid all contact with them until they are ready to get married. And then
a Shadchan takes over. Casual contact with the opposite sex is frowned upon and
can ruin a reputation if it happens.
Of course the young men in Yeshivos get the same kind of
Mussar, but they hardly have any time to act on it. Although they do in fact think about it. Which
was Rabbi Joseph’s point.
There are so many things left unsaid by Rabbi Joseph that
could clearly have made a difference in why each made their respective choices. First he
does not account for individual differences in intelligence and personality. No
two people are alike.
It is also impossible to know how each set of parents
reacted to rebellion or even thoughts of rebellion. It is impossible to know the
exact precipitating point - the so called straw that broke the camel’s back - that
caused Ms. Vincent to reject her religious heritage.
Isn’t it possible to say that Rabbi Joseph had parents who
were more understanding and sympathetic to his ‘unkosher’ yearnings while at
the same being role models for him to eventually follow? Isn’t it possible that
Ms. Vincent had the kind of rigid parents who could not countenance even a hint
of rebellion - treating her ‘unkosher’ yearnings with stifling rejection?
Perhaps her experiences were similar those Charedi teenage girls who were
thrown into the streets by parents described in a series of recent articles in
Mishpacha Magazine
I don’t know just how much Ms. Vincent suffered. But it is
clear to me that the level of rejection she has made so public is the result of
such suffering. And probably a lot of other factors all combining to cause her
to depart from the ways of her parents. I’d be willing to bet that Rabbi Joseph – even
with all of his ‘unkosher yearnings’ of adolescence – did not suffer anywhere
near the way Leah Vincent did.
There are many things that can by themselves or cumulatively lead
someone to reject their religious heritage - even under the best of
circumstances. Like asking ‘forbidden’ questions about belief; or seeing a religious
leader involved in money laundering or tax evasion schemes; or seeing how survivors
s of sex abuse (and their families) are treated by religious communities in
places like Satmar, Skvere, Lakewood; or even YU; or hearing the kind of ridiculous
statement attributed to the Satmar Rebbe in my opening paragraph.
This is not to say that I condone what Ms. Vincent has done
in her ‘tell all’ book or in her interview with Katie Curic on her nationally
syndicated talk show (now defunct). It is only to say the following: Al Tadin
Chavrcha Ad Shetagia L’Mkomo. This sage advice from Meseches Avos (2:5) is as valid today as it was when it was first
spoken by the sages. Do not judge your fellow until you walk in his shoes.
