There is a very disturbing story in Kveller about Kiruv. Kiruv is
what we generally call reaching out to Jews who are not observant.
First let me say that there are many fine organizations that
do tremendous work in this area. They inspire people to become more religious
by using honey rather than vinegar. By showing young Jews with no background the beauty of
Judaism instead of focusing on the fire and brimstone, many unaffiliated Jews
have become observant and have given meaning to their lives.
But there is occasionally a downside resulting in unintended
consequences as the story in Kveller tells us. Sometimes the parents of a newly
observant Jew - commonly called a Bal Teshuva (BT)- or returnee to observant Judaism -
become alienated from their children. There are several possibilities that can
explain why this does occasionally happen.
The author of that Kveller story is the mother of a young woman that became a Bal Teshuva. She describes
the events that led her to see Kiruv as akin to kidnapping! She talks of the great lengths she went to accommodate her daughter’s new found religious lifestyle. But to no avail. Her
daughter became completely alienated from her. She was obviously very hurt by
that and blamed the Kiruv group that reached out to her daughter for that.
Rabbi Avi Shafran has written a response to that article in
the Forward. He basically says that
there are several possibilities that might explain what happened which do not necessary
entail ‘kidnapping’.
First he said that there are always at least 2 versions of a story and wonders if the daughter would have described the situation differently. He also mentioned the fact that legitimate Jewish outreach actually encourages BTs to retain and even enhance their relationship with their parents. But in some cases people use their new found religious observance as an excuse to deal with a pre-existing problematic parent child relationship.
First he said that there are always at least 2 versions of a story and wonders if the daughter would have described the situation differently. He also mentioned the fact that legitimate Jewish outreach actually encourages BTs to retain and even enhance their relationship with their parents. But in some cases people use their new found religious observance as an excuse to deal with a pre-existing problematic parent child relationship.
There are other reasons that might explain it. Sometimes a Kiruv organization will insist on
its own Chumros without telling them that they are only stringencies and not basic
Halacha. Which I find to be unscrupulous. That can cause unnecessary friction between
a parent and child.
There is also the possibility that a religious cult like Lev
Tahor will use Kiruv as a tactic to gain control over someone’s life. Which of
course requires severing all past relationships. Especially those of parents
and family. They will convince cult members that the negative influences of their
parents home requires them to sever any relationship with them.
These are just a few of the possibilities that might help
explain what happened between this BT and her mother.
One thing is clear to me. Any legitimate Kiruv organization
will never try to sever the relationship with a parent. The opposite is true. What
often happens is that even the parents become observant too. But even if they
don’t they will respect their children’s choices and accommodate them. The love between parent and child remains
intact.
This article actually raised a question in my mind involving Kiruv of another kind. One that usually takes place in Israel during
what has come to be known as the gap year. Which is the year a religious high
school graduate takes to study Torah before he comes back to continue his
education. The phenomenon is sometimes referred to as ‘Flippng out’. A child will go to Israel with one Hashkafa
and comes back with an entirely different one.
The reaction by some parents to this is similar to the
reaction by the mother of the BT in the Kveller story. If a parental home is one with a
Modern Orthodox orientation where for example higher education is valued along
with Torah study - and the child now rejects higher education in its entirety
opting instead to continue Torah study only - does a parent have the right to feel that the
values he taught that child have been rejected by him because he was in fact ‘re-eductated’
by his Torah teachers in Israel?
Is that the same thing as a non observant parent dealing
with a child that became observant?
There are similarities. But I think there is a major
difference that justifies a religious parent being more upset by the move to the
right than there is for a non observant parent being upset that their
child became a BT.
One might argue that the opposite is true since the break
from the past is greater in the latter than it is in the former. But if one looks at it from a Halachic
perspective (of all Jews being responsible for each other) convincing a fellow
Jew to become observant is far more important
than convincing him to be more Machimir. Or worse changing his Hashkafa and in
the process denigrating the Hashkafos of his parents.
There are those who say that the term ‘Flipping out’ is a
misnomer. That young people coming back from their gap year in Israel are not
flipping out at all. They are just becoming more serious about their Judaism and
more conscientious about Halacha. If that is the case I would have no problem
with it. We should all be more serious about our Judaism and conscientious
about Halachic observance.
But what happens in far too many cases is that young people coming back from Israel adopt an entirely different set of values that are anathema to the values with which they were taught at home. And if they go far enough to the right - these values that can harm them. Even though their children might see these values as the ultimate expression of their Judaism.
But what happens in far too many cases is that young people coming back from Israel adopt an entirely different set of values that are anathema to the values with which they were taught at home. And if they go far enough to the right - these values that can harm them. Even though their children might see these values as the ultimate expression of their Judaism.
For example what if a child had always aspired to any given
vocation or career because of an aptitude and interest in it. And therefore sought
the higher education required to achieve it. But while in Israel he is
convinced to abandon those aspirations as secondary to the ‘true calling’ of
every Jew to sit and learn 24/7. And he is also encouraged to have as many children
as humanly possible.
That child will be harmed. He will miss his true calling.
He will lack a decent well rounded education. Aand perhaps most importantly he
will be unable to support his large family. He will have to rely on charity, free
loan societies and the generosity of their parents that in many cases bleed
themselves dry financially to help that child. (Who wants to see their children
starve?)
So it is quite understandable to upset at ‘Flipping out’. Because that can very easily lead to a life
of poverty. And worse a dysfunctional family where children go OTD.
So when it comes to ‘Kiruv’ by the right of children from
Modern Orthodox backgrounds I behooves us to know the score. Parents must do their due diligence and find
out where recruiters from Israeli Yeshivos are coming from. They should find
out what their real intentions are… and what the actual Hashkafos being taught there
are. Recruiters can often mislead parents about their real intentions.
Look at their
products. What are their ‘graduates’ like when they come back? Was there any change? What was that change?
They should also talk to parents whose Hashkafos are similar
to their own that have sent their children to a Yeshiva in Israel. Ask them if
they are happy with the result… and see what that result actually is.
The gap year can be a very positive and productive period of
growth in ones Judaism. Nothing wrong with becoming more serious. But when it
leads to a radical departure from the Hashkafos you tired to instill in your
children. The consequences could be devastating.