Faith: Going Out and Coming In

Mayim Bialik - a now observant Jewish woman 

I’m a believer. This title to a great Monkees song composed by Neil Diamond is also a truth by which I live. I am a believer in God and that the Torah was given by Him to us – His chosen people - at Sinai. The Torah contains the blueprint for life as a Jew on this world – in preparation for the next. Why I am a believer is not the subject of this post. It is why people that were raised in religious homes stop being observant at some point in their lives. And why people that were not raised in observant homes become observant.

Both types of Jews have always fascinated me. Why, I wondered, is a Jew driven to leave observance. How can they so easily leave the world in which they were raised? And by the same token why does a Jew that was raised to live a relatively carefree non observant life chose to become observant - with all the restrictions that involves?

There are a great many Jews that comprise both communities. The trek away from observance has been discussed ad infinitum. There are probably as many reasons for that as there Jews that stopped being observant. Among the more common reasons is being raised in a dysfunctional family, or having experienced a form of abuse  (whether sexual, physical, or emotional).  

It is understandable when that happens. Doubt is generated by the abuse with questions like, ‘How could a loving God have allowed this?’ This question really became relevant after the Holocaust. After the Holocaust it was difficult for many survivors to retain their faith and thus their observance. 

I certainly can’t blame them for asking a question that neither I nor anyone else can answer. That some survivors like my parents retained their faith is a testament to their deeply held, unshakable belief in God and the Torah. That is truly amazing. And at the same time perplexing. They surely must have had the same unanswerable questions after their experiences and yet remained as observant as ever!

Extreme trauma is surely an understandable reason why someone would question their faith. Which is why the extreme trauma experienced by survivors of sex (or other forms of) abuse must never be judged. Just like survivors of the Holocaust must never be judged. Not equating the two. Just explaining what extreme trauma can cause with respect to our beliefs. 

There are some that stop being observant for intellectual reasons. What might be called a crisis of faith. They begin questioning the dogma they have been taught by the contradictions they might come across in various ways. Sometimes ultimately questioning God’s existence altogether. I believe this is not the more common reason - abuse by far being the greater cause. It does, however, apply to a lot of Jews that stopped being observant. 

But those that leave for intellectual reasons (without the attendant trauma) have always fascinated me.  I have many of the same questions they do, and yet I remain a firm believer, while they don’t. 

In most instances they will say the left because of those unanswered questions. But questions do not constitute proof that the God does not exist or that the Torah is not true. Questions aren’t proof. They are just questions. And yet, these once believing Jews point to these questions as the reasons for disbelief. And ultimately becoming non observant.* 

Then there is the other side of the coin. What brings rational thinking Jews that have been raised without any trauma in non observant homes to become observant? That brings me to Jew in the City. Eric Goldstein reviews, The Skeptic and the Rabbi: Falling in Love with Faith, a memoir by Judy Gruen. 

Judy is a ‘passionate ‘Ba’alas Teshuva’ who is the prototype for this question. She tells us of her journey as proud liberal and feminist who did not see the Torah compatible with her values. After meeting her eventual husband who was a Ba’al Teshuva she started exploring her Jewish heritage in more detail . Judy found that her preconceived notions were untrue. What she found out was that: 

...the dignity that was taught and ideally practiced for women, for individuals, I didn’t know it, I just had these misconceptions.” Unfortunately for many people beginning to explore their Jewish heritage, these misconceptions often hold them back from truly engaging with the material, but throughout her journey, Gruen had many notable experiences which defied those preconceived notions. She describes an intimate Shabbos experience as “this oasis in time, making space for the sacred. This is beautiful, this is peaceful. I want this too.” …Gruen (notes that there are) tens of thousands of us over the past decades, who have said hello, not goodbye, and are happy to have done so.” 

Judy Gruen’s journey ‘in’ was however more than sentimental. She has contacted me to say that her book had the following consistent theme:

(T)he discovery of the intellectual integrity, depth and breadth of Torah had as much to do with my decision to live a Torah-observant life as much, if not more so, than any issues involving my emotional attachment to my people or to my husband.  

As a rationalist, I wonder how anyone can change their lives without an intellectual rational underpinning. No matter how appealing a lifestyle is, I have to believe it isn’t all about choosing a lifestyle. There has to be an underlying rational belief in God - and in the truth of Judaism. 

That is true about Judy Gruen as well. That she just found observance to be compatible with her values was only part of her journey.

But my experience talking to many Baalei Teshuva is that they cose it because they saw it as a desirable lifestyle. So much so that they were willing to change from a life of relative freedom to live as one pleases to one of many restrictions. Those Ba'alei Teshuva I have had discussion with rarely say it was for intellectual reasons. 

I wonder why? Doesn’t a lifestyle change from one of great ease to one of many restrictions require rational thought at least as part of the equation?

Updated - based on new information provided by the book's author.

*Warning: 

Just as in the past when this subject comes up - I will reject any discussion or debate about matters of faith in the comments. I am not interested in posting comments that may shake the faith of believers unprepared for these challenges.  

I do not want to have any part in being responsible for someone losing their faith because of an unanswered challenge. Not because many questions can’t be answered. They can. But in some cases because they can’t be answered and must remain a question.  

The conclusion someone might take from an unanswered question might lead to losing faith and becoming non observant. 

Not gonna happen here. As I said, unanswered questions are not proof of anything. This post is simply food for thought.

Fair or not: My blog. My rules.