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| Photo for illustration purposes only |
Asher discounts the impact that lifestyle has on the incidence of sexual abuse. I disagree. I believe impact it. The survivor describes her dating experiences in that
community. Which led to what can best be described ‘date rape’ (albeit without drugs or alcohol which is most often the case). Several instances of
it. By the same fellow.
Asher wants to entirely discount the fact that young
people in those communities tend to ignore the clear Halachic requirement of men
and women to refrain from physical contact (unless they are married to each
other). In those communities such laws are far more observed in the breach.
I am not talking about platonic contact. There is a debate
in Halacha about whether contact like that (called SheLo B’Derech Chiba) is permissible or not. I am talking about the kind of physical
contact in which there is no debate. The kind that often happens
when a boy and girl are dating. The
following excerpts from the writer illustrate what I am talking about
I grew up in a somewhat liberal Modern Orthodox community and attended co-ed schools and camps. Although the rabbis talked about tznius and being shomer negia, the community at large didn’t really emphasize those things so much. There was still an expectation of no premarital sex, but it was not uncommon for high schoolers to have boyfriends/girlfriends.
I had a boyfriend in 10th grade... As per the context described above, our parents were ok with it as long as we didn’t do more than make out and rabbis and teachers frowned on it and extolled the virtues of being shomer negia.
So when the boyfriend started pressuring me to go farther than kissing, I didn’t want to, I knew by all standards I shouldn’t. He kept up the pressure and manipulation and I eventually gave in on everything except actual sex.
The rest of her essay describes where her rapist crossed the
line and raped her several times. And what has happened since to both her and
her rapist.
Asher suggests that with respect to sexual abuse - it doesn’t matter whether these laws are
observed or not. The incidence of sexual abuse occurs in both communities in
equal proportion. So he doesn’t want to hear about being Shomer Negia
(observing the prohibition of physical contact between the sexes) or Yichud ( the
prohibition of a man and woman being secluded in a room together).
I’m pretty sure he’s right about the relative frequency of sexual
abuse in all segments of Orthodoxy. But not always for the same reason. In the
case of MO-Lite I believe that the laxity in physical male-female contact plays a
significant role in cases where it happens.
Let me hasten to add that not every date in the MO-Lite community
ends up with rape. Nor am I saying that it is never the case that being Shomer
Negia is ignored by teens that date. But I also believe that in most cases of
MO-Lite these laws are ignored which makes date rape more likely than when
they are followed. It is a slippery slope. This does not make it OK. But it does in my view explain the circumstances that may lead to it.
What to do about it is beyond my pay grade. I have no clue.
But I do believe it is a problem in the MO world that is practically non
existent in the Charedi world. I doubt that the sexual abuse that happens in that world is rarely if ever because of date rape.
