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| Image from Mishpacha Magazine |
This was the topic one of my heroes discussed in a recent edition of Mishpacha Magazine. Allison Josephs is one of those unique individuals who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. Taking note of the phenomenon of young people from Charedi – or more specifically Chasidic backgrounds going from complete observance to becoming completely non observant, Allison created an organization that prevents many of these people from leaving observance completely - instead transitioning them into other forms of observant Judaism. It is called Project Makom, The idea being that there is a place (Makom) for those who cannot handle the strictures and rigidity of their Chasidic upbringing but might otherwise be observant – given an opportunity outside of their Chasidic background.
The problem had always been that those Chasidic communities never offered other less stringent forms of observance (e.g modern Orthodoxy or Centrism) – considering them to be almost as bad as becoming secular.
Furthermore the idea of changing Hashkafos from being on the extreme end of Chasidus to a new form of Orthodoxy is virtually impossible for a Chasid like that. The cultures are radically different. Chasidus considers everything secular to be anti Torah. Whereas Modern Orthodoxy and Centrism sees no problem with any part of the secular culture that does not contradict Halacha.
Allison found a way to make these people understand that and make them comfortable in that transition. Something for which she deserves enormous credit. I honor her for her dedication and determination to solve what has always seemed to be an intractable problem.
Back to my original question. What makes a person go OTD? I personally know Charedi families that are warm and nurturing where most of their children lovingly follow in their parents footsteps – but where there is one child that somehow did not. And ended up going completely OTD. What happened?
After consulting with people that deal with this phenomenon Allison came up with the following theory:
From the very beginning, most of our members reported having been abused in one way or another. This made me assume that it was abuse that causes people to go OTD. But I’ve since realized that while trauma is certainly a contributing factor, that alone doesn’t seem to push people out. The head of an at-risk organization told me the common thread he sees is that his participants are highly sensitive people. Most of our members are as well.
That also seems to be a contributing factor. But the most universal issue we see for why people leave Judaism (though obviously I haven’t met every single person who’s left observance) is insecure attachment due to childhood emotional neglect.
Secure attachment occurs when childhood emotional needs are met. In a frightening statistic, less than half the population reports secure attachment feelings…
Parents who love their children dearly and have tried their best can still inadvertently be emotionally neglecting their children. While the phenomenon exists across the board, a society like ours, which has experienced so much national trauma, surely has parents who were either not alive for their children or who shut down emotionally from PTSD (or who were raised by such parents).
I believe this theory makes a lot of sense. But it does not explain why other children in the very same family were not negatively affected by ‘emotional neglect’. Why only that one child? In a follow up article here is what one mental health professional said:
As a clinical social worker who has been working with this demographic for over 20 years... I have worked closely with hundreds of young people brought up in frum homes who have turned away from their Judaism.
I am constantly asked what causes someone to “leave the derech.” In my experience, there is no one universal answer. Risk factors can include trauma, abuse, highly sensitive personalities, insecure attachment and physical and emotional neglect. The only clear answer is that each person’s journey is unique.
Several years ago, I heard Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, a world-renowned expert on trauma, speak at Hebrew University. He shared three simple words that changed my life and my perspective: “Attachment trumps trauma.”
You can have two people who experience similar traumas; one will be able to process and move on, while the other remains stuck. The difference between them is that Person A has a healthy, secure attachment with someone in their life and Person B does not.
This seems to corroborate Allison’s theory. While there are many reasons an individual will go OTD, it seems that a healthy secure emotional attachment to a parent can go a long way to preventing it in many of these cases.
The question arises, can it be that one child is more sensitive to it than the rest of the children? I find it hard to believe that parents that do not have a decent emotional connection with their children would only produce one OTD child. I would think that all of them would go OTD.
I suppose one can argue that no matter how much we try and treat our children equally, that is rarely the case. Adding the fact that some children are more sensitive than others might help to explain why only one child goes OTD.
Then there is the idea that one can go OTD for intellectual reasons. Or undetected learning disability reasons - thereby falling through the cracks of their education. I know people that have gone OTD for both of those reasons.
Are they somehow victims of emotional neglect, too? If they had the requisite emotional attachment would they have been spared from going OTD? I don’t know.
Needless to say this is an extremely complex subject that permeates all of Orthodoy. I have no ready answers for how to tackle it. But understanding the problem is half the solution. In this sense Allison Josephs has gone a long way in trying to solve it.
