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| Image from Mishpacha for illustration purposes only |
The problem exists primarily in the world of Lithuanian type Yeshiva world where young Charedim are educated. True - Modern Orthodox Jews have serious dating problems of their own. But they are categorically different from those of the Charedi Yeshiva world. The Chasidic world, on the other hand, does not seem to have any problems at all in this issue. Why that is the case is beyond the scope of this post.
That the Charedi demographic is so much larger and growing so much faster than any other Orthodox demographic (except for Chasidim) makes what has come to be called the ‘Shidduch crises’ a very serious problem for Orthodox Jewry and that is why I am focusing on it.
It cannot be denied that there are a lot of singles out there that have trouble getting married. And a lot of those get left behind. A very depressing situation for them, to say the least. The question is, ‘Why?’
There have been two articles in Mishpacha Magazine recently that have dealt with this problem. In both cases they have dismissed the idea promoted by many Roshei Yeshiva that the main problem is the so called ‘age gap’. The theory being that the increased birth rate of each generation keeps increasing. And girls start dating at around age 19 whereas boys do not start dating until around age 22. That results in a lot more girls age 19 through 22 dating at the same time than there are boys dating at age 22.
While there might be some truth to that, research has found another factor to be the primary reason. The following excerpts are from the most recent Mishpacha article by clinical psychologist and researcher Naomi Rosenbach:
In 2017, I, together with a team of talented researchers initiated a study called “Data Analytics Addressing Shidduchim” (DAAS)…
The survey, launched in 2019, solicited thousands of individuals for basic demographic information about themselves and family members, and also allowed participants to express their opinions on the subject. Close to 1,000 individuals anonymously shared their thoughts and experiences…
We published a paper on the themes that emerged in the Journal of Community Psychology titled “Struggles in the Orthodox Jewish Shidduch Dating System.”
One of the biggest lessons we learned from poring over the responses is that problems in the shidduch system are multifaceted, diverse, and nuanced. Twenty-seven different themes emerged from the survey, the most common being the superficial and perfectionist criteria we use to assess compatibility between prospective partners…
The second most common theme was the notion that there is a dearth of available men for women to marry. Daters, parents, shadchanim, and rabbanim all expressed the feeling that this imbalance makes the shidduch process much harder for women than for men, and has consequences that infiltrate cultural norms beyond dating.
I think the two themes are related. Here’s why.
The cold hard fact is that it is easier for a young woman to be considered a ‘good catch’ than it is for a young man. When a culture values one attribute above all else in their men to the point of denigrating by inference any man that does not have it, you are going to have the disaterous situation that exists now. The attribute that is so highly valued in the Yeshiva world is dedication to Torah study to the exclusion of all else.
This is probably the most important part of the ‘perfectionist’ expectation young Charedi women are indoctrinated to seek in their mate. They want to marry ‘the best boy in Lakewood’. Anything less will not do. While it is true they might seek other attributes ‘the best boy in Lakewood’ is at the top of their list by miles. They seek to date only young men that are learning full time in a top Yeshiva and will continue to do so in a Kollel well into their marriage.
Anyone less than that is below their standards and not considered. Teachers encourage these young women to become the primary bread winners for the families. Which many of them do.
That leaves a young man who chooses to work and sets aside times for Torah study everyday out in the cold. No matter how smart. No matter how fine his character. No matter what profession he chooses. It does not matter. Young Charedi woman are taught not to settle for a second class Jew that does not make Torah study a full time job.
On the other hand young Yeshiva men who spend their days in full time Torah study, seek women that are willing to live that kind of lifestyle. Frankly it is a lot easier to be an ‘acceptable’ woman seeking a ‘learner’ than it is to be a ‘learner’ Thus making the pool of young women far greater than the pool o ‘acceptable’ young men.
Research has also shown that there is a lot of superficiality involved in what both young men and young women seek in a mate. These factors end up leaving a lot of men - and especially women out in the cold. Not because there are not enough good men in Shiduchim. But because there are not enough good ‘learners’ in Shiduchim.
The solution to that lies in changing the educational system from one that so values full time Torah study that by default it devalues those who don’t do that. Educators must emphasize that a young man choosing a career while setting aside time for Torah study is a very high level Jew. And not to be dismissed as unacceptable for marriage.
This idea of full time Torah study being the sine qua non for every Jew must end. Pushing every young man into full time Torah study is becoming more and more harmful to the fabric of our people. Espeicllay as it concerns Shidduchim.
Not everyone is cut out to study Torah full time. And yet that is exactly what young men are encouraged to pursue. And that is exactly what young women are encouraged to seek, No matter where a young man’s natural strengths lie they are all encouraged to redirect those strengths into full time Torah study.
I do not believe that there has ever been a time in all of Jewish history where the entirety of our people were advised as an ideal that full time Torah study was to be sought by all men - to the exclusion of all else. And yet this is exactly what young Charedim are encouraged to do these days. While woman are taught to seek those kinds of men for marriage.
Until this attitude is changed the Shidduch crises will persist - and probably even get worse. This is not to say there aren’t other reasons impacting Shidduch problems. There surely are. But in my not so humble opinion, there would be a lot more young people getting married and ‘living happily ever after’ if the current Charedi paradigm was changed.
That said, I doubt there is even the remotest chance that anything will change. And that’s too bad.
