There has been a discussion on Areivim about the propriety of signing an invitation by writing the husband’s name and referring to the wife as “Verayaso, as in: Mr. Zev Friedman V'Rayaso. The debate centers on whether signing an invitation this way is a higher form of Tznius and therefore a more preferable way of doing it than mentioning one’s wife by name.
One poster said that it used to bother him but then realized that the secular world also uses a form of this signage, as in: Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.
But the truth is it’s not the same thing. Zev Friedman V'Rayaso is more like the signing the invitation: Mr. John Doe and his wife" than it is Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. In my view it is condescending to one’s wife doing it that way. This is yet another instance of chasing an unnecessary Chumra for absolutely no good reason.
If there is a community where a woman prefers being referred to as
"and his wife", we ought to respect that and leave them alone. I believe that is standard practice amongst Chasidim.
But those of us who are not part of that kind of community, should not be "copycating" it. It is a no more sensitive to Tznius to say "and his wife" than it is to use the wife’s first name. Insisting on the practice of using the word VeRayaso in place of the wife’s name is another example of the Charedization of Judaism.
The way in which one utilizes language is based both on the culture one comes from and the culture wherein one lives. In the US and in the pre-WWII Litvishe communities it is ...and was... quite acceptable to refer to your wife by her first name. No less a Gadol than Rav Chaim Soloveichik signed the invitation to his son’s wedding that way. It is signed: Chaim HaLevi (and) Lipsha Soloveitchik. Do we really need to be Frummer than R. Chaim? It is just as Tznius to mention one’s wife by name as it is to say "and his wife".
One can conclude, therefore, that today's Litvishe/Yeshivishe
Rabbanim and/or Baalei Battim who do that are only doing it to look as "Frum" as possible. This is symptomatic of the chronic problem so pervasive these days of putting externals (such as black hats) at the forefront of Judaism. Adopting the practice of using the term VeRayoso to refer to your wife instead of using her name is demeaning and it is wearing your Frumkeit on your sleeve. Rav Shlomo Wolbe condemned such behavior. Frumkeit is not Yiddishkeit. It is Yuhara.
