A subject that is sorely lacking in the Torah world is that of sex education. I’m not talking about the laws of sexual purity. Those courses do exist and are a must for every Chasan and Kallah. I am talking about frank discussion about sexual relationships between husband and wife. Based on discussion I’ve had with a retired Orthodox Jewish psychologist friend of mine who dealt with patients who have these issues, the amount of ignorance about this important subject among some young Bnei Torah is shocking.
That should not be too surprising however based on all the strong taboos surrounding sex in the Torah world… taboos that include avoiding frank discussions about it with young people.
To the credit of at least some women who teach Kala classes here in Chicago, sexual intmacy is discussed very frankly and matter of factly. The same is true with Chasan classes here. At least as it involves two teachers that I am familiar with. But I am not sure that is universally the case. Especially in Chasidic circles. Sexual subjects there of any kind are off the table based on what my psychologist friend tells me. It is truly shocking how little some of them know.
Issues relating to intimacy between couples is an important feature of any successful marriage and ought to be discussed openly and frankly before it occurs. No Chasan and Kala should be shy about it. Any and all questions should be asked of those people who are knowledgeable on the subject both technically and Halachically. But who trains the Chasan and Kalla class teachers? Is there a universally accepted approach? Or is it pretty much designed by each individual teacher on their own as they go along?
Obviously there are variations between teachers as to the knowledge of the subject, the ability to convey the information, shyness on the part of a teacher, and their level of experience. Many such teachers may for example feel that these intimacy issues should not be a part of any Chasan or Kala class program …that it is in general inappropriate to discuss these issues.
To that extent, I am happy to report that The Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance (JOFA) is recruiting teachers for a program to uniformly train teacher for precisely that. It is supported by both Drisha and Yeshivat Chovevei Torah.
These organizations are not ones that I usually find myself agreeing with. Sometimes my disagreements are quite strong. In the case of JOFA that is even more true.
They are problematic to me because feminism is the very reason for its existence. My view is that feminism ...or any 'ism' ...should never be the guiding purpose of any Torah organization.
But here they are providing a valuable service to the Torah world. But there are never the less problems with it. One such problem is that because of who is sponsoring it, there will be resistance to it from the right. But there shouldn’t be. When something is being done correctly for the benefit if the entire community it ought to be judged on that basis alone As long as Halacha is the guiding principle and that no particular Hashkafa is being espoused.
There is another issue I wonder about. I’m not sure if it is positive, innocuous, or a deal breaker. The classes are to be co-ed. That is one of the requirements of joining the program. Teachers must be willing to discuss these issues in the company of both male and female students.
On the negative side, frank discussion on issues of intimacy in a group setting that is both male and female, may be somewhat problematic in terms of Tznius. On the other hand teaching a Chasan and Kala at the same time and by the same teacher will go a long way to eliminating the conflicts that often arise when there are different teachers for each. The group setting should put an end to that. The question remaining might be, why the necessity for a group? Why not just a couple at a time? That may indeed be the ideal but it is highly impractical.
Do the benefits of a standardized program teaching a group in this way outweigh the Tznius concerns? I think so. It is far better for a Chasan and Kalla to be on the same Halachic page in a marriage than not …especially when it comes to matters involving their sex lives. At least that’s my thinking on the subject.
