Thursday, March 08, 2012

A New Segula

As most people know, Purim is the holiest day of the year. We know this because Chazal tell us that Yom HaKiPurim is translated as a day which is like Purim. Fasting is my middle name so for me it is a no brainer.

In honor of the holiness of the day, I am today for the very first time offering my reading public the ability to buy Holy Cow Patties. Yes friends for the very first time you can be the proud owner of this wonderful new Segulah that was discovered in the Cairo Geniza by Rabbi Dr. Solomon Schechter.

For those who are not familiar with it, the Cairo Geniza is a treasure trove of ancient religious documents and artifacts that have been hidden in a cave in Egypt for centuries. What people do not know is that one of the discoveries was a mountainous pile of cow patties.

Not exactly sure what to do with this find Rabbi Schechter nonetheless had the foresight to collect it all and store it in a vault on Chicago’s old west side. Upon becoming chancellor of JTS in New York, Dr. Schechter transferred all 380 tons of it the archives of JTS where for the last 100 years it has been passed out to students on a daily basis.

But - other than being a cute memento - no one had made much of these ancient patties.

Until now.

With the advent of DNA testing an astute professor by the name of Marvin Flushing gave a sample of one of these cow patties to a laboratory for testing. To everyone’s great surprise it was determined that these patties were originally from a cow dating back to the times of the Beis HaMikdash. Apparently a farm family in the Lower Gallil saved all of their cow patties, put them into containers, and buried them underground behind their back porch. How did those patties get to Cairo? I don’t know but why is that important?

Why were they saved? …you may ask? I’ll tell you.

I have a tradition from my wife's great aunt's best friend in Bnei Brak that back during the 2nd Temple Era there was a cow that had mystical properties. Anything having to do with that cow - when used properly was dynamite!

Turns out she was right. It works for whatever ails you.

Have pimples? Don’t worry, just soak a patty in water until it softens and rub some of it on your face. Your pimples will wilt right along with the people standing next to you!

Infertile? Dissolve 2 cow patties in a glass of water and drink it down. Then feel your tummy swell. It’s getting bigger - isn’t it?

Can’t pay your bills? Simply stick a cow patty into the payment envelope and mail it. That will take care of all your debts. Don’t worry about all those threatening letters you will get afterwards. They won’t mean a thing. The Segula will protect you.

Need a Shiddach? Cow patties are fool proof for that. Simply bring some along on your next date and at some point show it to him. It will melt his heart. And he will not be able to resist proposing to you after that experience.

These Segulos have long shelf life too. They last ‘fin esteh tahnis biz peerim’. That’s Hindi for ‘forever!’

Still don’t believe me? Here are some actual testimonials:

“Hi. My name is Natan Slifkin. You remember me, don’t you? Guess what? I have just been invited to join the Agudah Moetzes? Do you believe that?!”

“How did that happen? Simple. I ordered some Segulah patties and put one under my pillow every night just prior to falling asleep. I did this for 40 consecutive nights. On the fortieth morning - instead of finding the cow patty I placed under my pillow the night before, I found an engraved invitation to join the Agudah Moetzes. This stuff really works.”

From Bernie Madoff: “I didn’t know what I was going to do. I had just stolen billions of dollars from innocent clients in a Ponzi scheme and had been caught. The evidence was massive. I was tried, convicted, and sentenced to 150 years in prison. I was at my wit’s end.”

“But then I heard about the Cow Pattie Segula. I took some of my remaining ill gotten gains and bought some as a last ditch effort to save my life. I put one on my dining room table and got a call from my lawyer immediately. Before long another man was going to jail for me. Whew!”

“Long story short - I am now a free man, live in the 5 Towns, and drive a Lamborghini. Thank you cow patty.” If you see me now, just wink and say hi. I'm the one wearing a Yankees baseball cap, with glasses and moustache.”

Here is my own story. I had heard about this Segula but was skeptical. Boy was I wrong. My older twin sister Patty had been nagging for me to get some of this stuff for her. At first being skeptical, I resisted.

But she was desperate - having unsuccessfully sought a Shiddach for over 85 years. 43,000 dates ...and no luck. I never understood it. She really didn’t sweat that much for someone of her size.

Anyway I felt sorry for her. She was after all no spring chicken. So I relented and bought her some. Guess what? She is now happily married and has 3 children. Ken Yirbu. After witnessing this miracle I am a fan. I have gone full bore into the Segula business and have cornered the market on this holy object. It is now available for purchase right here on this blog.

This Segula has been endorsed by all the Gedolei HaDor. (Signatures upon request.) Even if you don't use it for a Segula, it will make a nice gift for a Talmid Chacham you may know. (Yes - you can be Yotze Matanos L'evyonim with it. And if he is really hungry, you can be Yotze Shelach Manos too!) The historical value alone is worth the price!

You can buy 2 patties for a nickel. 3 for a dime. Just click on the donate button and leave your money with me. Satisfaction guaranteed. You will not be disappointed. I know I won’t.

I hope everyone had a happy fast yesterday and wish everyone an easy Purim.