I hate the term and have no clue how that term came into
being. I don’t think it is even used in Charedi circles at all. Shomer Negiah –
meaning guarding against touching the opposite sex - implies that physical contact
between the sexes is some sort of Chumra. That according to the strict letter
of the law, it is completely permitted.
That is not true. With the exception of parents (and
according to many opinions siblings), it is against Halacha for men and women
to have any physical contact with each other unless they are married. While
there are Halachic opinions about whether platonic contact is permitted,
certainly any contact that is sexual in nature is not permitted by anyone.
When young people say they are Shomer Negiah they usually
mean that they do not touch members of the opposite sex in the context of
dating - where holding hands for example is a lot more than platonic touching.
And certainly it applies to things like kissing and more aggressive forms of
touching that are completely sexual in nature.
The thing is that being Shomer
Negiah really means that one is following Halacha. It is just as Assur to hold
hands with your girlfriend as it is having a glass of milk with your roast
chicken. And yet there are Orthodox students who will casually say that they are not Shomer
Negiah as though they are saying that they are not Machmir on something like Chalav Yisroel.
I think most religious high school students realize that. And
yet this is how Shomer Negiah is treated. Like a Chumra that many do not observe.
Bearing all this in mind I found an article in the Forward about being
Shomer Negiah on college campuses very intriguing. I was very happy to see that
there are many Orthodox Jewish students who attend secular universities that are very
careful about these things. It was also gratifying to see that many non Jews or
secular Jews are very understanding and supportive of them.
On the other hand I also found that some students who were
Shomer Negiah gave it up as they made their way through the four years of
college. And there are also many people who ridicule such strictures in 21st
century America. After all non marital sex is about as common and as American
as apple pie.
What is interesting for me is that even those who are
meticulous about keeping this Halacha, acknowledge the difficulty in doing so
in a culture that glorifies ‘hooking up’. That is indeed one of the ‘highlights’
of the campus life in an ‘away from home’ university.
Human nature is what it is. For the majority of mankind the
libido (sex drive) is a very powerful force. Temptations to satisfy that drive
are often very difficult to overcome. Being in an environment where both sexes
interact socially and encourages sexual freedom is no place to be if one wants
to guard themselves from temptation.
That said, of course it can be done. And is. Which is to the
credit of those who do. Like Chana Lavaddin, a sophomore at the University of
Pennsylvania. Of course it helps to have a support system like the one at Penn
where I am told there are many Orthodox students who for the most part have an on
campus Orthodox social structure complete with a Rabbi, Minyanim and Sedorim
for Torah study.
But even with that resisting temptation is not easy when one
considers that one will inevitably be involved with others (both teacher and
students) who do not understand our religious values and often challenge them.
Or even ridicule them. Which means that in some cases Orthodox students go in
observant of these Halachos and come out not observant of them. As was the case with another student, Jordan
Katz. She called it evolving. And explained her reasons in the Forward article.
The fact is that the sex drive is hard to control even under
the best of circumstances. Even in sex segregated environments like YU and
Stern. Not only that but even the most
religious people in the world can succumb to temptation as did one Rosh
HaYeshiva that I know about in Israel who ended up having an affair with a
married woman.
Even if we go back to the era of the sages - the Gemarah
tells us time and again about how certain sages were tempted and how difficult
it was for them to overcome those temptations.If I recall correctly there is a
Gemarah that says something to the effect that the greater the individual – the
greater the temptation and the harder it is to resist.
Which is why the Gemarah also says “Ain Apitropus L’Arayos”.
There is no real way to guard against sexual temptation. I think this is why
Chazal built so many safeguards into our daily lives. It was to try and minimize
temptation as much as possible.
That said, one can go too far with anything and there are
certain segments of society that take these laws and extend them way beyond all
reason. To the point where it becomes counterproductive. It’s all about balance. Not extremes.
The concept of Ain Apitropus L’Arayos is real, however, and
does not go away just because some people misuse it in the extreme.
Which is why I am opposed to co-ed high schools as a rule.
(Although I admit that there is a place
for such schools in some circumstances.) And why I support Yeshiva University
and Stern as the best way to be balanced about these things. That is not to say
that there aren’t problems there too. Every approach has problems attached to
it. The point is that in an ideal world
one must neither be isolated from - nor blindly immersed in our sexually permissive
culture.
In any case, the Forward article gives us some valuable
insight as to what campus life is really like from the perspective of Orthodox
students and is well worth reading
