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| 2014 Mishpacha Magazine cover story illustrates the angst |
That gap creates a pool of women far greater in number than men
looking to get married since there are 4 years of women accumulating until a
man is ready to date. And those men prefer dating the younger women. By reducing the
age gap, they believe more women will get married instead of being left behind.
I have always argued that this doesn’t add up. The fact is
that there are approximately the same number of boys born per year as girls. In
theory therefore if every man gets married, so should every woman. And yet we
know there is a crisis. It appears that many women do get left behind. And the
older they get, the less likely they are to get married. Perhaps there is
some merit to the argument that there are so many more girls dating than boys in any given year. On the other hand since there are equal numbers of boys and girls being born - I should think that there are as many unmarried men as there are unmarried women. If there is a crisis it should therefore exist for both sexes.
I have my own theory as to why there is this problem in the Charedi world (which I have expressed in the past). It basically boils down to how these young Charedi women are indoctrinated about who to date. They are taught from the moment the issue becomes relevant in their lives that they should seek young men that study Torah full time - and will be doing so after they get married. These same young
women then seek top level students that do that.
The problem is that top students are rare. The same is not
true for young women seeking them. It is a lot easier to want a guy that learns at a
high level than it is to actually learn at a high level. That diminishes the
pool of men significantly. The reputations of the young men studying Torah full
time are easy to find out.
It is true that there are a lot of young men that are
not at the ‘top of the class’ but are decent Torah students. But even they are relatively low in number compared to
the number of ‘top girls’ that by definition are the ones looking for top guys. What about
those young men that have decided to work for a living and are Koveah Itim –
set aside time daily for Torah study? That is not what these young women are
taught to look for.
I recall one young Charedi fellow telling me a while back he
could not find a girl willing to date him because he decided to go to work
instead of going into Kollel. And this young man was a ‘great catch’ in every respect. He was bright and of refined
character. He loved learning Torah. He just felt that this wasn’t his niche –
his destiny. So he went out and got educated in a field that would provide a
good living for him and his future family – while studying Torah daily at night
with a Chavrusa (study partner) in a local Beis Hamedrash. Nobody wanted to
date him
When he spoke to his former Rosh Yeshiva (or Rebbe) about his Shidduch predicament,
he was told that he should not be surprised about it because he is a second
class citizen. Young women today want first class citizens – namely those who
study Torah full time.
So again - the pool of ‘good’ marriage prospects for young Charedi women is relatively
small. I think this is the real reason for the crisis. The men are
there. The women just don’t want ‘those’ men. They don’t want the ‘workers’ and
they don’t even really want the second tier students in those Yeshivos. So they get left behind.
But even if there is merit to the age gap claim, is
getting married at a younger age the answer? How mature is a 21 year old man? Should we be advising young people to get
married even before they are ready? With the divorce rate so high, will this not add to the problem?
The response to the fear of failed marriages is that other cultures among
Charedim do get married at younger ages and there is no evidence that divorce
is any more of a problem for them. I suppose that’s true. Chasidic men typically
get married as young as 19 years of age. And they marry young women they have barely met – spending only a few hours together before they actually get married
many months later. And yes, their divorce rate is probably no different than the rest
of Orthodox Jewry. Perhaps even lower.
The problem with that argument is that Chasidism is a
culture radically different than the rest of the Charedi world. You cannot
compare the two worlds and say. ‘It works for them so it can work for us’. Besides, why
wait until 21? Let them get married at 19 like their Chasidic counterparts! Or
even 18? Shemonah Esreh L’Chupah the sages tell us. Wouldn’t that be an even
better equalizer? And yet they choose 21 as the right age. Why wait until 21?
Frankly in our day - I don’t see 18,19 or even 21 as typically mature enough to get married. (Yes, there are exceptions.)
Frankly in our day - I don’t see 18,19 or even 21 as typically mature enough to get married. (Yes, there are exceptions.)
What really needs to be done is to stop indoctrinating all
young Charedi women to seek only those who study Torah full time – and study it at top tier levels. Let
these young women be diverse in who they seek. Let us broaden the pool of eligible young men instead of narrowing it to unrealistic levels by placing value only on the few. If that happens, I’ll bet it will help a lot more – and not
potentially increase the occurrence of divorce that getting married to young
might lead to.
But... I am not Charedi. So the Charedi world might just tell me to
shut up. It’s none of my business. And I don’t know what I am talking
about anyway. Perhaps. But I can’t help but believe that attitude instilled in Charedi young women about who to marry is as much a source of
the problem as anything else. So what if I am not Charedi? The Rambam tells us to
accept truth from whoever says it. I think that is good advice.
