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| A young married Charedi couple (Jewniverse) |
Jonathan Rosenblum’s article in Mishpacha Magazine last week (available in full here) dealt with the ubiquitous topic of Shiduchim in the Charedi world.
Which has come to be known as the ‘Shidduch Crisis’. There are a lot of young
women that are being passed over and remain unmarried past their ‘prime’. Which in the
Charedi world is about age 25.
(Although there is a similar problem in the modern Orthodox world,
the reasons are entirely different for them and therefore so too are the solutions.
Chasidim - on the other hand - don’t have this problem in their own system of
Shiduchim. This post is based on Jonathan’s
article that deals with the non Chasidic ‘Yeshiva’ world.)
Jonathan has an interesting spin (made subtlety) on the
so-called ‘age gap theory’ as the reason for that ‘crisis’. For those that don’t recall - the theory is as
follows. Women are ready for marriage at a much younger age. At 19 they are all generally dating for
purposes of marriage. On the other hand men don’t usually start dating until
they are a 22 or 23 years of age. Young men of that age prefer to date the 19 or
20 year olds rather than young women their own age. A three or four year age difference
between married couples in this pool is probably the most common occurrence.
Those that have studied this phenomenon say that since the rate
of reproduction in the Charedi world has been increasing substantially every year - that means there
is an increase in the number of children each year. The pool of 23 year old men
is therefore smaller than the pool of 19 year old women in any given year. And that results in an increasing numbers of ‘leftover’ single women each year.
One might respond and
say that the ratio of boys to girls being born each year is about the same. There
should be one boy for every one girl. The problem could be solves if young men
could be convinced to date women their own age – or even older women. That is not
going to happen as a general policy though. Another solution some rabbis have
suggested is that young men should get married at a much younger age. Personally
I think that’s a prescription for even bigger problems down the road. I have
had my own suggestion about what could be done. But they are beyond the scope of
this post. And no one is going to listen to me anyway.
The age gap is not the only thing that causes a Shidduch
crisis. Not be a long shot. One of those reasons is one I have mentioned many
times before. ‘Good boys’ are a lot harder to find than ‘good girls’. In the
Chareddi world – a good boy means a ‘learning boy’ – someone that has a good reputation
as serious student of Torah . If a ‘working boy’ – or one that has decided to attend a college or professional school in preparation
for a career – is not considered a ‘good boy’ in the sense that I just
described. And not marriage material.
That forces a lot of young Charedi men to stay in Yeshiva
well past their actual desires and abilities call for them to do so. Which
means that even among the pool of ‘learning boys’, there are few that are
considered ‘good boys’.
On the other hand women in the Charedi world are not sought
after for their learning abilities. A ‘good
girl’ is considered ‘good’ if she seeks a ‘learning boy’ and is willing to
support them. It is therefore a lot easier to become a ‘good girl’ than it is to
become a ‘good boy’.
That is a problem I have not seen addressed. If it has –
certainly not anywhere near the ‘age gap’ problem. But it is a fact that is clearly and
significantly affecting Shiduchim in a negative way.
Interestingly Jonathan notes that the Charedi world is not
alone as a population where ‘good girls’ outnumber ‘good boys’ which contributes
to a higher ratio of women to men. One
example he mentions is the Mormons. They have a 15 to 10 ratio. For every 100
available men there are 150 available women who for the most part will marry
only a serious Mormon. That has led to some drastic measures among them. From
Mishpacha:
(A)s a consequence of their religious idealism they find themselves turned into commodities, forced to compete fiercely for the attention of marriageable males on the basis of their physical appearance. As a consequence, even young Mormon women submit to plastic surgery and various forms of physical augmentation. Salt Lake City has 2.5 times the national average of plastic surgeons, and its residents spend almost 12 times as much on beauty products as those of Oklahoma City, which has a slightly larger population.
One may recall that a Shadchan had written an article a few
years ago addressing the lopsided dating ratio of dating women to dating men in
the Charedi world. As a realist she said that one has to live in the real
world. Charedi men look for attractive women too. She therefore urged them to
do whatever they could to look attractive
including plastic surgery if necessary. For this she was severely
criticized.
Although I disagreed with her then - she wasn’t that far off about looking
as attractive as possible in a world where men seek beauty first and character second. This is not new. I know (and have known for decades going back to when I
was dating) more than a few ‘good’ boys’ that will not date women whose dress size is over a
certain very low number.
The fact is that young women instinctively know this. Even
the Charedi ones. Which has proven to turn the Shidduch crisis also a health
crisis:
(Y)oung women are driven to compete in physical attractiveness, as with the Mormons. Dr. Ira Sackler, an eating order specialist (noted that) in one Orthodox community that the rate of eating disorders was 50% higher than the national average.
I have not seen anyone address this problem either till now.
50% is of epidemic magnitude. (Not that I have a solution for it.)
Another problem is that in the Charedi world, Shidduchim
have become business transactions. Where (to quote Gordon Gekko) ‘greed - for lack of a better word - is
good’. Huge sums of money can be extracted from potential ‘buyers’ (a good girl’s father) by fathers of ‘good boys’ to support their
son in a Kollel for extended periods time.
The better the reputation of the ‘learning boy’,
the greater the sum. In fact many wealthy
– and even not so wealthy - fathers of ‘good
girls’ are throwing money at potential Shiddcuhim. If the ‘learning boy’ has a
good reputation the sky might just very well be the limit! They know the market.
It’s rough out there.
One father I spoke to in Israel last week put it this way: If there are 2
identical girls and one of them comes with a bigger check (from her
father) It’s a no branier isn’t it? What
is lost by taking the bigger check? It’s free enterprise at its best! The rich get what they want and the
poor get the leftovers – if that.
Age gap? OK - that might be one reason for the Shidduch problem.
But when a young man becomes a commodity to be sold to the highest bidder…. and
where good looks seem to be the number one value sought - right after money, then something has gone is terribly wrong. And yet
not only is nothing being done, things
seem to be only getting worse!
