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| Image for illustration purposes only (Forward) |
As a followup to yesterday’s post I received the following submission from
a prominent Charedi Rav who is knowledgeable on the subject of Kiruv. And who has experience in dealing with many individuals
that were once observant and no longer are. He has posted here before and as always asked to remain
anonymous – this time using the alias ‘Just a Guest’. I am happy to oblige. His words follow.
Time to weigh in. I agree with your points, and want
to add a few. We are dealing with a discussion comparing and contrasting
three phenomena, in an effort to understand the process better.
1. Non-observant from
birth. Kiruv via the traditional kiruv movement.
2. Non-observant from
birth. Kiruv via Chabad.
3. Frum from birth, now OTD.
Recognizing that the definitions here involve considerable
generalization, let’s approach the subject. No one can be exact, but a
shot at this may be informative.
Category #1 are involved in seeking
something spiritual. They may be drawn by a family history, by exposure,
by exploration, etc. They seek out the kiruv professional, who has
probably engaged in some sort of marketing effort to insure that his activities
and services are available. There are many venues for this, some by
direct interaction, others online, etc.
Category #2 often does not involve the individual seeking
anything. Chabad is far more proactive, and seldom wait for
customers. They put themselves everywhere, and offer their services to
anyone they find. Without moving into analysis how these two categories
differ, they certainly disparate populations. We can each look at this
and draw hypotheses about these distinctions.
Category #3 is very different. These individuals have
been within the frum, observant community, and are somehow on the exit, not
interested in entry at all. Offering them the intellectual material that
can be enticing to those of Categories 1 & 2 is futile. They already
know that. They are on the escape, not thirsting for information or
understanding.
Countless efforts to find blame for this grace the pages
of publications and websites. I personally find most of the theories way
to shallow to be meaningful. They lack accuracy, and are based on
conjecture, not experience or observation.
I have my own theory, and I have yet to find it
disproven. Unanswered questions, yes. But not disproven.
I
believe that every single OTD kid is escaping from a lifestyle because of
rejection. This can occur in many ways, and I surmise that no two kids
are the same. Rejection occurs in the home, the community, and the
yeshiva/school. This carries a strong and specific message to all.
Disagree, educate, raise your children. But NEVER reject them.
That’s tough when we, as the adults in the community, are obsessed with
discipline. Listening to any parent, rebbe, or teacher interact with a
child who is being a kid, we hear persistent threats of punishment, withholding
of privileges, and far too often to stomach – shaming.
These all risk
negative reactions. Even Shlomo Hamelech referred to discipline as a last
resort, never a regular tool. A Gadol once quipped that the children who
emerge from our system unscathed are the ones who did so despite the
system. The system was busy with others and just didn’t get to
them. Not sure I agree, but I hear his point.
Lastly, the approaches to OTD – Kiruv Kerovim and the
non-observant – Kiruv Rechokim are almost diametrical opposites. This has
been discussed in open forums at various conventions.
