Changing Social Norms

Lucy Flores and Joe Biden (Refinery29)

First let me say at the outset that I am not a fan. Former Vice President Joe Biden is a plagiarist and a liar who portrays an image of high ethics and honor. The only thing righteous about him is his self-righteous sanctimony. (How easily the public is fooled.) But he has recently been getting a bum rap.

Until a few days ago, Biden was seen as the savior of the Democratic Party. The man who was going to get into the race for the Presidency and win back the White House for his party. And restore the dignity to that office that has been destroyed by its current occupant. Biden has recently out-polled all of the already announced Democratic candidates before he has even officially announced he was in!

But then something happened that has thrown his reputation into question. Four women have come forward saying that they were made to feel uncomfortable by Biden who made unwanted and unexpected physical contact with them. Let me hasten to add that none of his accusers said it was sexual. But they did say that they felt disgust at the unexpected physical contact. To cite one instance, one of his accusers, Lucy Flores, (a Democrat who in 2014 ran for political office in Nevada and whom Biden was there to endorse) described him as approaching her from behind, smelling her hair, and then planting a lengthy kiss  on the back of her head.

That sounds a bit creepy to me. But sexual misconduct it is not. It is at most a invasion of a woman’s personal space. But what it also is - is relatively normal behavior in a world where everybody is touchy-feely in how they express non sexual affection. 

Greeting people with a hug and/or a peck on the cheek has for the longest time been quite the social norm. For both men and women. In fact this norm is so accepted that Halacha might even recognize its permissibly. Shocking though that may be to those who think touching a woman in any way at all is a violation of Halacha.

Not necessarily so. It is actually a matter of dispute among the commentators of the Shulchan Aruch  whether platonic contact between a man and a woman is in fact forbidden. Based on that dispute some Poskim take the stringent view that any contact at all is forbidden under any and all circumstances. 

Others take the more lenient view and say that only contact whose intent is in any way sexual (Derech Chiba) is forbidden. All other contact is permitted. 

The latter view is - I believe - accepted by most Modern Orthodox rabbis. I recall a very popular Orthodox rabbi in Skokie whose custom was to greet many of his female congregants with a peck on the cheek.

I have also been told by a reliable source that Orthodox German Jews in the community founded by Rav Shamshon Raphael Hirsch (more commonly known as Yekkes) had no issue at all with that custom and did it all the time. (Not sure how most Yekkes act now since many of them have become Charedi – retaining only those German customs that are not controversial.) 

Chasidim are stringent and firmly in the “Do not touch under any circumstances’ camp. 

Most of the non Chasidic Yeshiva world generally agrees with that except when there might be some embarrassment attached. So they will not for example extend a hand to a woman to shake it. However, if she extends it to him as a social norm, he will shake it. Relying on those commentators that permit platonic contact.

In this regard I am personally of the Yeshiva mentality and never touch a woman other than my own wife, daughters, and granddaughters. (I have no sisters.) I will generally not extend my hand to shake a woman’s hand unless she extends hers first.

That said, one thing is pretty clear. The vast majority of Orthodox Jews are restrained by Halacha from initiating physical contact with members of the opposite sex. The obvious by-product of this is that a woman’s personal space is almost automatically respected.

One is not allowed to touch a member of the opposite sex in any way that can might be sexual. Most Orthodox Jews will refrain even from platonic contact. 

The Modern Orthodox community refers to this as being Shomer Negia (guarding against touching a woman). Especially young Modern Orthodox Jews that are dating. Which suggests that this is an optional law.  But it isn’t. Those that are not Shomer Negia are in violation of Halacha. The rest of Orthodoxy does not use that term at all.

If one is an Ehrliche (sincere) Orthodox Jew one will never be in the position Joe Biden is in. Most of us would never go up to a woman behind her back, grab her shoulders, smell her hair, and then give her a long kiss on the back of her head. Even those that are lenient about Derech Chiba. Because the line drawn between what is and isn’t sexual – might not be that clear. So if it is not a common and clear social norm, an Ehrliche - even Modern Orthodox Jew wouldn’t take a chance in crossing it.

This is an important illustration of the difference between moral relativism and morality based on core values. Which in the case of Judaism is guided by the Torah and our sages and rabbinic interpretation of its laws throughout the ages.

Joe Biden bases his behavior on what he believes is the social norm. When he said social norms are changing he was reflecting a morally relativistic view. Which now cast his past behavior in a negative light. He said he now recognizes that change, will adapt to it, and keep his distance. But until recently, what he did was not all that odd. (Well… maybe a little.) It was not that far off from greeting people with a hug and a peck on the cheek. Joe Biden learned his lesson the hard way. (How that will affect his candidacy is anybody’s guess, But I don’t think it will affect it that much.)

For an observant Jew, social norms might be a factor in ultimately determining permissible behavior, but it does not determine our base Halacha. Additionally we generally follow the traditions of our ancestors. 

But society in general bases their behavior on changing social norms. What was once normal behavior is now seen as unacceptable. It is ironic that in a our permissive and hedonistic culture where everything goes, that the pendulum has swung back to a more restrained Jewish view of male-female relationships. Men are now supposed to keep their distance. And not touch a woman in any way unless it is clear that she wants to be touched.

It’s nice to see the values of modern world inch a little bit closer to ours. But even though it is a step in the right direction, it is still subject to the spirit of the times. If there are no core values - today we might see it one way. Tomorrow another. Not so Judaism. Whose values are eternal.