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| Rabbi Benny Lau (VIN) |
I have expressed my views on this subject many times. I will not go into detail here other than to say that I believe it is nearly impossible for someone who is attracted to members of the same sex (SSA) to change their sexual orientation. Whether by nature or nurture trying to change that has proven to be a fool’s errand that could result in depression or suicide when unsuccessful. Which in the long term it almost always proves to be.
That being the case, I have long ago advocated that people with SSA should be treated with dignity and should lovingly and warmly be accepted into our community - even if they end up committing the capital sin associated with homosexual behavior.
Unless they publicly advocate such behavior and claim it to be normal, or pervert the Torah’s clear intent - claiming it to not be sinful at all – it is none of our business what goes on in the privacy of their own home. If a homosexual Jew wants to live an otherwise observant lifestyle he or she should be encouraged to do so regardless of who they are attracted to. And not be judged or summarily dismissed and rejected because of it.
On the other hand if they treat their homosexuality as equal to heterosexuality and treat the sinful acts associated with it as completely normal and acceptable - that needs to be fully rejected. You cannot make something Kosher that is not Kosher. No matter how you feel about it.
Which is one reason I am opposed to gay marriage. Holy matrimony for a gay couple is an oxymoron. There is nothing holy about living together as husband and husband. Which is conducive to having a sinful sexual relationship.
Balance. That is what I believe is the right approach here. Love the sinner. Hate the sin. You cannot love both. Nor should you hate both.
Which brings me to Benny Lau, a prominent left wing modern Orthodox rabbi who recently made some controversial remarks on the subject. Here according to VIN is what he said:
(P)eople with LGBTQ leanings should not be rejected by the orthodox world even if they choose to live with their spouse and do not try to change their sexual orientation. Lau claimed that if they are totally put off by normal marital status, they should not attempt to enter a regular marriage and added that he does not see a halachic issue in LGBTQ couples raising (children) together.
I have been very critical of Rabbi Lau on other issues (such as the ordination of women). But I pretty much agree with him here. Except for the following.
I have concerns about homosexual couples raising children. Since it would be practically impossible for a gay couple to transmit the idea that the sexual act most closely associated with gay men - is considered an abomination and a capital crime by the Torah. I would find it hypocritical to try and transmit that value to children (when they are old enough to understand it) - coming from parents that are likely engaging in that very behavior.
Otherwise I have no problem with a gay couple raising a child. But the problem exists and I don’t know how a gay couple could possibly deal with it. Until that problem is solved, I would be against them raising children.
I realize how painful it might be for a gay couple that wants to raise a child - to be denied that option. But sometimes life just isn’t fair. But it is not the end of the world. One can have a very productive and happy life even without children.
That being said, I do have an issue with the anonymous writer in the VIN article. Here is what she opened with:
“Today I thank G-d that I never met you, Rabbi Lau. You would definitely have told me that I can be orthodox and still flow with my feelings and leanings which “I was created with.” If I had taken your bad advice, all the wonderful things in my life would never have occurred. I read your letter with disgust and a feeling of frustration.
First, it’s too bad that she feels so strongly about this that she was disgusted by Rabbi Lau. Which in my view indicates an unfair prejudice against a man whose only ‘crime’ here is a sympathetic view of gay people. But more importantly she expressed the idea that one’s sexual attractions can be changed. And she used herself as an example.
I have to wonder, though, if she actually was gay. It appears that she only became ‘aware’ she was gay after a stint in the Israeli army. After slowly abandoning her religious Zionist upbringing she found herself sucked into the gay lifestyle. It was only then that she recognized her ‘true’ feelings. And apparently enjoyed being a part of that world.
After awhile, at the urging of her parents she spoke to a Rebbetzin who eventually disabused her of her homosexual orientation. Fast forward today and she is happily married and lives with her husband, a Talmid Chacham, and her children.
As indicated, I wonder if this young woman was ever really gay. Perhaps she was bisexual and was convinced by the arguments made by that Rebbetizin to focus only on the heterosexual side of her orientation. Or maybe she just tried out a lifestyle that seemed to work for her at the time for a variety of reasons. Or maybe SSA for women is fundamentally different than it is for men. I honestly don’t know.
In any case I highly doubt that this woman’s experience of being disabused from SSA would work for most gay people. On the contrary. Time and again conversion therapy has been proven to not be effective. In has instead proven to be dangerous. I am very happy she found her true self. It’s just too bad that in the process someone like her that thought she was gay but was probably not - thinks she has proven that SSA can be changed. I don’t think she proved that at all.
