I say ‘almost entirely’ because it is also legitimate for family members and friends to suggest young people they know to each other who might be compatible. But it seems that the vast majority of people in the Charedi world rely on a ‘professional’ Shadchan. Who fgets paid to set up your child with a compatible date.
This method of dating has evolved into giving a Shadchan a lot of power. It has also evolved into a system where a resume has become de rigueur. Both male and female young people need to prepare and submit to a shadchan a list of their statistics and attributes. Which they use in finding compatible dates.
On the surface, this might seem like a good idea. If young people can’t meet and find these things out for themselves before getting serious about marriage, then this is a relatively painless way to get a head start in that direction. it also considerably shortens that length of the courtship.
But the resume has morphed into something very different. Making compatible dates even more difficult to find.
First of all resume are for the parents. Which initially taking their children completely out of the decision making process. The argument for doing it this way is that parents know their children best. Often believing they know them even better than they know themselves. And as parents with more life experience they make better, more informed decisions.
Another problem more serious problem is tthat resumes have increasingly become more detailed to the point of absurdity. A situation that has existed for sometime now but keeps getting worse. Details like what color tablecloth a family uses on Shabbos is deemed significant to be a deal-breaker’ to some parents.
It need not be said that not every parent understands their children as well as they think they do. What is important to a parent may not be as important to a child. On the other hand a child might consider something important that a parent might brush off as insignificant. A lot of potential decent dates are thereby turned down by a parent. For all the wrong reasons. There are just too many people in the chain making decisions that should be ultimately be made by the children.
People are human and have biases. This is no less true for a Shadchan who will use them unintentionally when reviewing a resume and turn down a potential Shidduch when it is not called for.
The most recent controversy involves whether a picture should be part of a resume. Does a young person have a right to see what a potential date looks like before they go out for the first time? Is it even important?
One might think that the altruistic answer would be no. Never judge a book by its cover. The way a person looks is of little real value compared to their character. But in my view that is a huge mistake to not consider appearance. Physical attraction is real. It ought not be ignored.
Very few people will be happy dating someone that does not visually appeal to them. It may not be fair. It is however realistic. I think it is therefore appropriate to see what a potential date looks like before they date them.
It is true that picture often lie. They do not really tell you what the person looks like. Pictures that are given to a Shadchan by a young person will sutely be the most flattering ones they can find. Sometimes the opposite is true. Some people might be very attractive in real life but not be photogenic. This is why I would suggest that a picture should never be the determining factor about whether to date someone. It should be understood the pictures can lie in either direction. But at least they will be a ballpark indicator from which to start.
The problem is that young women to not want to be judged by how they look. they might even consider it demeaning to be part of a resume. Some might even consider it a Tznius issue. I understand that too. What is a young man doing looking at a picture? He isn’t marrying the picture. Besides the way a person looks is also influenced by their personality. And finally there is the issue of subjectivity. As the the ancient proverb says, ‘Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’.
It is for these reasons that I believe the Shiduuch system - if used alone is counterproductive. It’s true that a lot of people get married this way. But it is also true that there are a lot of missed opportunities.
I believe that using a shadchan (whether professional or through a family member or friend) as the only means of finding your life’s mate - contributes to the so called Shiduch crisis. Which has left a lot of older single around who (as they age) find it more difficult to get dates as they get older. I am sure that in many cases opportunities were missed because a misguided Shadchan or overprotective parent nixed a date.
I know I am not going to change the world. But I will reiterate what I have said this before. I do not see a problem with being set up by a shadchan, family member, or friend. As long as resumes are limited to the basics and do not detail stupidities like the classic what color tablecloth a family uses on Shabbos. It should certainly not, however, be the only means by which 2 young people meet.
In my view it is highly appropriate to meet in social settings like weddings, bar mitzvahs, and a Kiddush in Shul. It is also perfectly appropriate to meet through families who invite each other over for Shabbos and Yom Tov meals.
Volunteer organizations like NCSY, Chai Lifeline, or HASC, are ideal for idealistic young people to meet. I would encourage young people to join these organizations as volunteers for the dual purpose of Chesed as well as the opportunity to meet people. I know a lot of very fine young couples that met that way and have beautiful families now. Some of whom have become Charedi. That also takes care of the ‘looks’ problem. You don’t need a picture when you can see the real thing volunteering alongside you. in any given organization.
The problem is that in the world of the right, all of these suggestions are discouraged. And pictures are seen as downright evil by some. How dare young people meet randomly at a Simcha? How dare any boy look a a picture of a girl before they date them?
It’s really too bad that the world of the right has evolved this way in America. Because a lot of opportunity gets wasted, a lot of people get hurt unnecessarily. And a lot of people may never get married at all because of it.
