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| Shlomo Carlebach and his daughter Neshama (TOI) |
As anyone that has even the slightest connection to Jewish music knows, Shlomo Carlebach was the 'Beethoven' or the ‘Beatles’ of Jewish music. He singlehandedly changed that genre from one of obscurity and near oblivion into what has become a plethora of popular Jewish music and performers of unprecedented proportion. His musical influence is so pervasive that it stretches beyond the world of Orthodoxy into all heterodox denominations.
With respect to Orthododxy, there are very few Shuls (if any) where his tunes have not been used by a Shaliach Tzibur (Chazan) on a Shabbos or Yom Tov - adapted to the liturgy. Even Shuls that reject Carlebach and his music use his tunes in that way. His repertoire is so huge...so popular... so widespread, that they don’t even realize he composed them.
Carlebach’s influence on the Jewish music scene has grown from one popular folk music album in the early 60s into practically its own religion in some cases today. There are ‘Carlebach Minyanim’ that use his tunes almost exclusively during Kabbolas Shabbos with lively participation by the congregation which includes dancing during part of it.
I think it’s fair to say that without Carelbach, the Jewish Music scene would not be what it is today.
But as noted, his popularity is not universal. There is a reason for that. Once he achieved fame, he began behaving in ways that were not particularly Orthodox. Carlebach was a hugger. He used to hug his fans at concerts. Including women. One can debate whether this is technically a violation of Halacha if it is platonic (SheLo B’Derech Chiba). But it is clearly not an accepted practice by the Charedi world from which he stems.
Rumors about Carlebach’s behavior generated a Halachic Shaila asked of R’ Moshe Feinstein about whether it was permissible to use or even listen to his music. R’ Moshe was not pleased at his behavior (to say the least) but he ruled that it was permissible.
When Carlebach was challenged about his hugging of women, his answer was a very unsatisfactory one: He wasn’t hugging people. He was hugging souls.
Had that been the end of it, he might have been forgiven. Unfortunately, hugging women was not the only thing he did. I am not going to go into details. But even before ‘#MeToo’ - he was accused of sexual abuse by some of the women he hugged. In other words he was not just ‘hugging souls’.
Devout Carlebach fans are in denial. They refuse to believe that a man that so inspired them could do what he was accused of doing. Some of them get pretty upset at those of us who believe his accusers. But his daughter, Neshama is not one of them. As close as she was to her father, she has come to believe that her father was indeed guilty of what he was accused of.
Neshama still admires her father’s not inconsiderable talent and contributions to Jewish music. She wishes her father to be judged by the entirety of his life and not this terrible aspect of it. Nonetheless she realizes that accusations of sexual abuse are rarely made up. And that the rumors about it prior to those public accusations were based in reality.
In a recent Times of Israel article she has taken another step in the right direction – turning away from the custom she learned from her father that she had practiced until now. She no longer hugs people that are not her husband or her children. Here’s why:
When the #MeToo movement began, I worked to build the courage to look at my own life and choices more critically. My shows were canceled as a byproduct of the allegations of sexual violations by my father, and I became a casualty in the “cancel culture” surrounding my last name. I stopped traveling, mostly stopped socializing, and began to look inward. I realized then that I no longer wanted to hug in the way I once had. I realized that my hugs sometimes came from a place of awkwardness and self-compromise. I was afraid to offend, frightened to admit that a hug was not welcome.
I also came to see that the patterns around my family’s tradition of hugging needed to be re-examined more closely than I ever would have chosen to look. No child wishes to think of their parents in this way, but it became essential for me to do so. Never would I want my hugs to be seen as inappropriate and lacking boundaries. Looking back at my own life, I was horrified, wondering if my hugs had ever miscommunicated or wounded others. They had certainly taken a toll on me…
I recently attended a gathering of people… Assumptions were made about my comfort embracing others, which was understandable, given my hugging history… When I informed people that I was uncomfortable with hugs, some ignored me and hugged me anyway. Some became angry, some argued. “I’ve been waiting for this hug!” One person told me, “I need it!” It was a shock to feel this kind of demand and, in that moment, I realized how compromised I have always been by this behavior. It wasn’t a mitzvah, it was a violation. Though the gathering was a sweet one, I left shaken.
I am impressed with Neshama Calrelbach’s brutal honesty. I can’t imagine what it’s like to see your father as a larger than life hero only later to find our he was guilty of sexually abusing some of his female fans.
Neshama calls it the Mitzvah of embracing consent. Her decision to no longer hug people other than her husband and children is the right choice. A wise choice.
This is not to cast aspersions upon those Orthodox Jews that continue to have platonic contact with members of the opposite sex - as long as it is consensual. Yesh Al Mi Lismoch. There are sources in Halacha they can rely upon. But if there is anything we can learn form #MeToo, it is the following. It is far better these days to err on the side of caution than to rely on a leniency that can lead to sexual abuse by people that cannot control their sexual impulses.
