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This might sound like a shocking question – especially for those among us who consider themselves Charedi. But I’m also sure that the answer in all cases is a lot more than zero. I will grant that it is a lot more likely in the world of MO than it is in the world of Charedim. But I am equally sure that the number of teenagers in the Charedi world is not insignificant.
Charedim might argue that they generally do not use smart-phones or only have internet access that is heavily filtered. Which makes access to porn practically non existent. This is might be true for most. But there are a lot of Charedim that do not filter their phones. Even in Israel where ‘kosher-phones’ are mandated, any Charedi who wants an unfiltered smart-phone can easily get one. It is rather common for some Charedim to secretly own a 2nd phone that is not ‘kosher’. It is also no secret that there have been many cases of porn addiction in the Charedi world. It is not a stretch to say it started when they were teenagers.
I mention this in light of Chana’s post. I was recently made aware of her website and I believe this is the same bright, perceptive Orthodox Jewish woman who had a blog during her years at Stern College for Women. And as was the case then, her posts are often intelligent and insightful. She is currently a teacher at a coed religious high school.
In Chana’s aforementioned post she makes the following observations regarding sex education for MO students:
I think this emphasis on halakha-only education or abstinence-only education is problematic in that we have several different things we want our students to be. We want them to be halakhic and observers of halakha, certainly, but we also want them to be ethical people and humane and people of good character. So for example let’s say two high school students engage in some kind of forbidden act halakhically speaking. There’s a really big difference between the two of them doing so consensually and the two of them doing so because one of them pressured or coerced the other. And if we simply put all of that under the banner of “you’re not abstinent” then we have failed the kids...
We need to know if they know individuals who have sent or received nude photos/ sexted/ been victims of sextortion (and whether they are those individuals). We need to know if they have engaged in a variety of different sexual acts, and if they have done so after drinking alcohol. And we have to know these things for many reasons, but first and foremost in order to keep our students safe.
Unsurprisingly, there is a lot of wisdom here. We do indeed need to know who does and does not do the things she mentioned.
The reality is that sexual activity among religious teens in the MO world is not what we would like it to be. The Halachos that apply to male female interaction are often observed in the breach. This is not to say that sexual promiscuity is rampant. It is not. But it does exist. Some of which involves serious breaches of Halacha. The forbidden nature of physical contact between the sexes is pretty much ignored by a significant number of those students. And sometimes it involves the ultimate form of it wherein (whether consensual or not) a girl can get pregnant. Although doing that is relatively rare - I know of at least 3 cases where that actually happened.
I think that this is what generated Chana’s warning. (And as I have said many times - this is the reason I am opposed to coed education in high schools. When you put teenagers whose hormones are raging into a coed environment - what do you think will happen?! )
That said, I’m not sure I agree with Chana’s suggestion. She advocates a meta Halachic approach that deals with what can be called sexual ethics. We must - she says - go beyond Halacha and teach these young teenagers about the ‘ethics’ of behavior that violates Halacha. Which means teaching them about the difference between consensual sex and rape. Or between safe sex and unprotected sex. The idea being that since there are so many students that violate Halacha regardless of what they are taught, we best make sure that those violations meet the objective ethical standards of the general culture. We ignore them at our own peril. Or better - the peril of unwanted pregnancies, disease and/or rape.
I understand her concern and agree that these are valuable lessons to be learned. Indeed the consequences of not teaching them that might be regretted in the extreme. Nonetheless for me this is an oxymoron.
I cannot wrap my head around the idea that we must teach how to be ethical sinners. There is just something wrong with that. The idea of teaching young people about condoms is practically an invitation to have sex. As if the Halacha is secondary to the point of being obsolete. You can’t teach that unmarried sex is Halachacly forbidden and then in practically the next breath say ‘but if you do have sex, here is what you need to know.’ It makes a mockery of Halacha!
I’m not sure how to solve this problem. But teaching young religious Jews how to have safe sex ain’t it.
What about the consequences of not doing so? My guess is that most teenagers that attend coed high schools already know the consequences of unsafe sex. They are exposed to all kinds of messages in the media about that. Is that enough? Probably not. The problem is still there. But at least it’s something.
The irony is that in the world of Charedim this type of sex education may actually be more important than it is in MO schools. Since those teens are intentionally not exposed to the very media where MO teens get those messages. And there is no way a Charedi school will ever discuss anything to do with sex. Much less how to have safe sex.
This is not to say that I think safe sex should be taught in Charedi schools. I don’t. Just pointing out the nature of the problem. Even if one assumes that these problems are far less common in Charedi schools for a variety of reasons it can and does happen there too more than most of their community will admit. Or perhaps eve realize.
So here’s the bottom line. I acknowledge the problem Chana deals with. And add that it exists among Charedi teens too - although probably with less frequency. I’m just not sure what we should do about it in either case. Perhaps there’s a way that can instill how serious violation of the Halachos governing sex are - while at the same time doing what we can to avoid the tragic consequences of sexual ignorance. But it sure beats me how to do it.
