Hate Thy Neighbor?

Nissim Black - a Righteous Convert (Wikipedia)

Jeff Rubin’s observations about the sin of making people feel bad struck a chord with me. Perhaps it’s because of the personal attacks I see against people that disagree with  their views. I am often a victim of such attacks myself. 

It isn’t only that they disagree. But that they vilify ideological opponents because of that disagreement. Let me quickly add that this is not always the case. Sometimes the disagreement is innocuous and even respectful. I actually encourage that. 

There is no better way to get clarity on an issue than to hear both sides of it. But when a disagreement takes the form of a personal attack, it shows that they have no reasonable counter to their opponent. I guess they believe that resorting to a personal attack will somehow get their opponents to admit their ‘folly’ and see ‘the light’.But hurting others with whom one disagrees probably does the opposite. 

And it does more than just insult. It debases the character of individual resorting to that tactic. It is far better to try and see the other point of view and respect it even if you don’t agree with it at all. That is what honest debate should be about.

But Rubin doesn't really address personal attacks in circumstances of debating the issues. He makes his point in the following way 

I have been shocked lately by the number of my friends who have left synagogues because of a pattern of unkind remarks from rabbinic and volunteer leaders. A Jew-by-choice belittled. A twenty-something shamed. A professional demeaned. 

Jewish Twitter is full of accounts by Jews by choice or Jews of color who have been challenged, patronized or “othered” when they show up in Jewish spaces. Essayists lament that too many synagogues don’t seem welcoming or sensitive to single parents, or don’t accommodate people with disabilities. 

Saying and doing hurtful things is not just ethically wrong, it’s destructive to organizations, and has no place in the sacred communities that congregations strive to be. 

I see this all the time. More often than not the disapproval is subtle. A look. A quiet comment to a friend. How often have I heard someone quoting what might be considered a derogatory statement in the Gemara about a Ger Tzedek - a righteous convert: Koshim Geirim L'Yisroel KSapachas – Converts to Israel (Judaism) are as difficult as a (Leprous) lesion! Spoken without any context about what the Gemara might mean. That Gemara is more a commentary about us than it is about converts. 

One of the explanations given by the Gemara for that comment is that it makes those of us that were born Jewish, into a religious family, and raised that way look bad by comparison. Where our observances are all too often done by rote, theirs is done with a lot more serious intent. Their sincerity in doing Mitzvos puts us all  to shame - like a disgusting blemish on our bodies.

And yet the attitude by many of us is to look down at them. Even though it may not be expressed openly. It is often expressed privately between friends adding comments like ‘God forbid we let our children marry a convert!’ 

It isn’t only about converts. Another egregious example of this is when a former member of that community has changed Hashkafos from Charedi to Modern Orthodox or vice versa. With respect to the former - all too often when they walk into the Shul they attended in their former Charedi incarnation, they are at best given the cold shoulder or even a nasty look as though signaling that they no longer belong and are no longer welcome.

That goes double if they have stopped being observant (gone OTD). Sometimes they are even asked to leave.  

It is as though there was no dignity of difference.  As though being different than the narrow slice of Judaism in which one resides is the only legitimate slice. Jews that are ‘not like us’ are seen as ‘the other’ an almost different breed of human being.. Instead of welcoming Jews that are different – at best we ignore them – hoping they will go away.

As we approach the New Year and reflect on what we can do to better ourselves in the eyes of God, we would do well to reflect how we treat our fellow Jew. Whether they are  a righteous convert; changed Hashkafos; are homosexual or transgender; OTD;  secular; or even people with whom we disagree - none of these should generate personal attacks. Treating people with respect is not the same as agreeing with them. Treating people with respect does not mean approving of any sinful behavior they might be engaging in. No one should be judged without first walking a mile in their shoes. Attacking them will only chase them further away from God. Is this really what God wants us to do? I don’t think so.