Being Single in a World of Married People

Things  are getting worse. Judging by the amount of ink (both real and virtual) spilled on  the subject, one would think that the increase in Jewish women ‘doomed’ to a life of singlehood is increasing exponentially very passing moment. 

Is that true? Is ‘doomed’ even the right word? 

As in most controversial issues there are no easy answers. Many of the things blamed for the increase in Jewish singles are in fact true. Some of which may not be fixable in the near term. 

In the minds of many of us - being a single woman today is a fate worse than death. Women reaching age 23 are considered past their prime.  Getting dates becomes a monumental task. They and their parents are to be pitied at best and are often ignored. Even old friends that get married tend to drift towards other married couples – slowly changing what was once strong friendships into lukewarm ones at best. 

The cover story in the recent edition of Jewish Action noted that this  is the unintended consequence of Orthodox Jewry’s strong family identity. If one is single and no longer lives with their parents, they tend to be marginalized – even if unintentionally. 

The author of a book on the subject told of an experience she had that illustrates what singles are up against. Expressing interest in becoming an active member in a certain Shul known for its warm welcoming approach to new members, she was nevertheless rebuffed by her interviewer. Much as he had sympathy for her, he was honest and said that all Shul activities are geared towards families and that there was no place for her in the Shul.

I can only imagine how hurt she must have been by that comment. 

How many singles are out there?  A study was done recently that showed over 90%  of Jewish men and women get married and have children. Is that a crisis? 

Well, yeah… to the 10% that want to get married and have thus far been unsuccessful. This is something we all need to think about. And to stop singling out singles for special (treatment. Which - as noted - can be hurtful - even though that is surely not what is intended. 

They date but have either not found what they wanted or their date is not interested in them. Meanwhile they have lives. Often very productive ones

Sometimes even those of us with the best of intentions get very judgmental. The older they get, the more they are accused of being ‘too picky’. That may be true in some cases, but certainly not all.

People have a right to find someone that they want to spend the rest of their lives with. And not to just marry anyone. That isn’t being picky. That’s just good common sense. But when taken too far that IS being too picky.  Where to draw the line is where maturity comes in. One's own dating experiences and listening to the  advice of people you trust that have been there is a good start in achieving the wisdom that comes with maturity.

Why this is happening has been a subject of great discussion and controversy. Depending on which segment of Orthodoxy one belongs the reasons can vary greatly. 

In left wing Modern Orthodox circles it is rather well known that many young men have commitment issues. Not exactly sure why that is. But that is what I have been told by people I know from that community. 

Chasidim hardly have that issue.  

But for the rest – which encompasses the Charedim and to a lesser extent, Centrists - there are a lot of factors that this phenomenon can be attributed to. I do not discount any of them including the  ‘age gap’ theory. (Which in the case of Charedim is a problem of their own making.)

Their dating culture has evolved one that has become so rigid that thinking out of the box is never given any serious thought. (That too is a problem of their own making)

For example meeting outside of a Shadchan is practically considered going OTD. That needs to be changed. But that attitude is so entrenched that I don’t think it will.  The truth is that there have been successful marriages that happened this way even in the Charedi world. When it does. no one talks about it. Because it might ‘stain’ their Charedi credentials.  

Charedi Chinuch places a Talmid Chacham as the ultimate ‘prize’ for a Charedi woman to the exclusion of all others. This can be summed up by a single phrase that I have heard said many times:

It is a lot easier to WANT a Talmid Chacham that it is to actually BE One! That means that there are a great many more women seeking only young men of that caliber than there are men of that caliber. 

Every time hear someone say that, I shake my head.  For me that is at least as big a problem as is the so called age gap.  And there is only one to be balmed for that: Charedi women are taught to seek only high quality Talmidei Chachamim. And the most likely place to find them is in Lakewood or Lakewood type Yeshiva via a Shadchan.  

There is a lot that could be done to improve the odds of young people getting married. But unless women stop being taught that they need look only in ‘Lakewood’ for a mate, things will never get better. And sadly I do not see that happening. 

Please excuse any increase in typos during my stay in Israel. As noted in a previous post, I do not have the luxury of having an internet connection at my disposal and will be lucky to get anything posted. Thanks in advance for your patience and understanding