Well… maybe not exactly of their own making, but certainly due to a Hashkafa they doggedly pursue, which contributes significantly to it.
YWN reports on a meeting of 30 Charedi rabbis in Brooklyn who recently gathered to discuss this issue. According to the article, similar meetings have taken place in Lakewood, Monsey, and Far Rockaway.
The issue they addressed is well known by now and quite serious: a large number of young Charedi women are being left behind in the search for a Shidduch (marriage partner). The reasons for this are complex, varied, and have been discussed here before.
However, the consensus among these rabbis is that the fault lies in what they call an age gap. This is the result of young men being encouraged to continue learning in yeshivas well beyond high school - typically until age 22 or 23 - before they begin searching for a shidduch. Meanwhile, the pool of available young women starts accumulating from age 18 and continues to grow every year. Thus, the likelihood of a young woman being left out is very high.
While this might seem counterintuitive - since roughly the same number of boys and girls are born each year - it does not translate into a one-to-one match in the Charedi world.
One proposed solution in the past was for these young men to seek women closer to their age, but that hasn’t worked out too well.
Not long ago, one of the most respected elder rabbonim in Israel, Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, suggested a change in the current paradigm to narrow the age gap. As noted by YWN:
The proposed initiative would see bochurim leaving to learn in Eretz Yisroel earlier than previously, while delaying the bnos Yisroel’s start of shidduchim until approximately a year after completing seminary. The goal is to close the gap in a way that preserves the shteiging in Torah of the bochurim while easing the challenges faced by shidduch-age girls.
They claim that many Charedi students are already doing this. However, it is unclear whether young women are actually delaying their search for a mate by a year.
Although this may help somewhat, I doubt it will fully solve the problem. There will still be a gap - albeit a smaller one. And there are other factors that continue to make things difficult. The primary issue stems from a rigid system that leaves no room for thinking outside the box. Doing so is often considered tantamount to rebellion.
Here is a significant part of the problem as I see it:
Charedi young people are raised to avoid contact with the opposite sex at all costs. Such contact is viewed as nearly promiscuous behavior that could lead to sin. Furthermore, it is seen as a distraction from Torah study. As a result, casual meetings between the sexes that might naturally lead to marriage are practically nonexistent. On the rare occasion that it does happen, parents are often embarrassed to admit how the Shidduch was made.
Socializing with members of the opposite sex before marriage is also extremely frowned upon. No matter how innocent, it is almost considered Pritzus - licentious behavior. The thinking is: Who knows what it could lead to? And, in truth, it can and has on rare occasion led to their worst fears. To prevent this, the Charedi world goes to great lengths to separate the sexes from a very early age.
For example, close family friends - where one family has a son and the other a daughter - will often stop interacting once their children reach puberty. They will no longer invite each other over for a Shabbos meal for fear that the two young people might speak to each other - or worse.
This social structure undoubtedly contributes to the problem. A community so fearful of even the slightest possibility of promiscuous behavior that they eliminate all interaction between the sexes - where the only way to meet is through a shadchan - inevitably hinders dating opportunities. This, in turn, increases the number of young women (and even young men) left out in the cold.
I am not saying that changing this paradigm is the complete solution, nor do I believe a Shadchan is a bad way to find a mate. In fact, it is a great way to do so. But it cannot be the only way. When dating is limited to a single method, it should be obvious that opportunities will be missed.
How could this be remedied? I have suggested some of these ideas before, but since nothing has changed since the last time this was discussed, let me suggest them again.
Once a person is old enough to consider marriage, there should be mixed social functions where meaningful interactions between the sexes can take place. Families who are friends should stop boycotting each other simply because they each have a child of the opposite sex - even if they are teenagers. Let them interact while their parents are present under the same roof.
Additionally, encouraging young men and women to participate in Kiruv organizations together could provide another opportunity for them to meet under ‘Kosher’ circumstances. All of these ideas should be encouraged, not discouraged.
While this may not completely solve the crisis, it certainly won’t hurt it. I believe it would help in significant ways. I’m not even saying the latest age gap solution should be abandoned. But it is not a ‘magic bullet’- if it helps at all. And even if it does, the problem must be tackled from multiple angles.
Not that there is the slightest chance that any of these ideas will ever happen, but good ideas should never remain hidden. No matter how unacceptable they might seem to some people.
