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| Picture for illustration purposes (TOI) |
In this world a Shadchan (matchmaker) will suggest a date to
the parents of a young person seeking to get married. After some due diligence
in researching the character of the suggested date, they will suggest it to
their dating child. This is how most of the Yeshiva world dates for purposes of
getting married.
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Chochmat Nashim is the name of an Orthodox Jewish
organization located in the Ramat Bet Shemesh area. They advocate for women’s
rights in the Orthodox Jewish community. I receive regular messages from their
Facebook page. One of the more recent of these was about an initiative that I
found quite disturbing, although I’m sure it is well intended.
There is a community-wide effort to improve the prospects of
marriage for young single girls. This is indeed a noble cause that everyone
should be involved with to the extent that they are able.
What was disturbing was not the sincere effort to help these
young women. It was the way they are going about it. The suggestion was to
improve the already existing file of profile pictures of these young women
have. Which I assume are shown to prospective dates. As the poster noted, the
whole concept of profile pictures as a means of improving one’s marriage
prospects sends the wrong message. It suggests that it is more important to
‘look good’ than to be good. At least as far as getting married is concerned.
Young men in the world of Yeshivos are trained not to look
at externals. Rightly so. An individual’s character is what really matters:
what they can contribute to a family in terms of a loving relationship, earning
a living, and raising children with good values. The last thing a young man
should consider is how his future wife looks.
A lot of women therefore rightly object to the entire
concept of showing pictures of themselves to prospective males suitors. The
idea of a young man looking at a picture of a prospective date seems like the
wrong way to evaluate whether she will be a good wife and mother—a kind and
giving individual who cares about others and will be a loving partner in
marriage.
I don’t believe women look for those kinds of values when
they consider dating. I don’t think there is anything remotely resembling
“profile pictures” of men.
It is demeaning for women to be presented like a “meat
market,” where the buyer can check out how the product looks before taking a
chance on dating her. That makes for a terrible competition between women.
Every woman on that list will want to outdo all the other women on the list and
present herself as the most physically attarctive woman among those featured.
Which ends up meaning that the men who ask to see those
pictures will choose a date based on the picture, leaving all those other, far
more important attributes on the back burner, if they think about them at all.
This is not how one should choose a life partner. The most
important considerations have to do with a person’s character, not with how
they look.
And yet human nature does not always follow the most
rational and sensible course of action. Looks are about physical attraction. If
one is not physically attracted to a woman he considers making his lifelong
partner, she can have all the altruism of a Mother Teresa and he will not want
to date her…
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