It is a slow blog day here at the Maryles “ranch” so I thought I would offer a topic that usually stirs up some interest: The physical interaction between the sexes.
What type of behavior is permissible between the sexes? Can there ever be any touching, and if so, under which circumstances? What does the Shulchan Aruch say? What about Rishonim? And how do we Paskin?
If one observes the behavior in various Orthodox circles one can see the entire spectrum of such interaction from the almost complete ignoring of the Halachos of Nigiya predominant in much of Modern Orthodoxy right up to the complete public separation of the sexes amongst Chasidim where touching a member of the opposite sex is so forbidden that one would sooner touch hot coal than to even be put in a position that might lead to inadvertently touching a member of the opposite sex. Chasidim will recoil from even an innocent handshake. The Yekke (German-Ortho/Jewish) Community holds that any platonic contact between the sexes is permissible as long as there are no sexual undertones (Shelo B’Derech Chiba). This means that even social kissing is quite acceptable in those circles.
So what is the most appropriate behavior? Is it the complete abandon which is typical of MO or is the extremist behavior of Chasidim? Or is it best to do as the Yekkes do?
Well the many people who call themselves MO could be said to be in one of three categories: 1) ignorance of the Halacha, 2) not really caring about the Halacha, or 3) both. Violating Halacha is not an option whether through ignorance or not caring about it.
Does that mean one has to act like the Chasidim do? Is it appropriate to virtually re-coil when a non-Jew or secular Jew extends a hand in a social or business-like manner expecting you to shake their hand? I think the answer is clearly, no. I strongly believe that when encountering such situations, the embarrassment it may cause to another should mitigate a middle ground approach.
I came across an interesting Teshuva (respopnsa) in the Igros Moshe. Some of you may know that there is a Machlokes as to whether touching members of the opposite sex SheLo B’Derech Chiba is permitted. The commentary, Beis Shmuel, in Even HaEzer 20: 1 and 3 states it is Assur... on a D’Oraisa level according to the Rambam, and a D’Rabbanon Level according to the Ramban. However, R Moshe Feinstein Paskins in EH 2: 14 that the above mentioned Issur only applies to one’s wife when she is a Niddah. Other women, OTOH... even married ones... Niddos, or non Jews there is no Issur, as long as there is no Taavah involved. RMF says this is true according to everyone.
There is an interesting anecdote about this issue that took place in Europe and cited by the the Pischei Teshuva (Yoreh Deiah 157:11) in the name of the Chavas Yair. There were 2 women who needed to travel cross boundaries which required passports, which they didn’t own. This would have required a massive tax upon reaching the tax-collector at the borders. So, the 2 women asked two men traveling with them to pretend they were married to them so the tax collectors wouldn’t penalize the women for having no independent passports (...wives didn’t require independent passports). When arriving at the border, the tax collector did not believe their claims of marital status and said they should that they should either kiss or swear that their wives were Nidos The Chavas Yair Paskin’s that they should kiss because there is no Issur except a D’Rabbanan and it was not B’Derech Chiba. To use his Lashon, Ein B’Kach Klum. Lying under oath, OTOH, about the state of Nidah was forbidden as it constituted a Shvuas Sheker (swearing falsely).
It would seem to me the most prudent course of action is to take a middle ground. Since there is a Shittah that holds it is Assur in all circumstances one should be careful to avoid even casual contact. But it is well within permissible limits to avoid embarrassing another and shake their hand when extended socially. This is in fact what Rabbi David Zucker, Rosh Kollel of the Chicago Community Kollel (Lakewood) told his wife to do in one such circumstance. If I recall correctly she was invited to speak in a secular setting and was told that if a secular man extend his had in a congratulatory handshake (or the like), she should not let it hang but shake it. I heartily agree.
But one should never sneer at the custom of the Yekkes who allow all physical contact between the sexes as long as it isn’t B’Derech Chiba.
