In an attempt to better understand some of my problems with Lubavitch. I am posting a letter I received a couple of months ago by someone who was Mekarev through them. He is undergoing tremendous stress in part because of his experiences there. I have changed some of the identification details so as to prevent anyone from recognizing who he is, but the letter is otherwise unaltered, including spelling errors. I answered him immediately and we have an ongoing correspondence. Here now the letter:
Harry,
I have probably never met you, and I do not know who you are but after having looked at the Avodah message boards and frumteens.com, I have become very intrigued by your attitudes and beliefs towards lubavitch. As you wrote somewhere that you get worked up about this issue, I was hoping that you would be able to provide me with some insight concerning what I am about to say. As I don't know you, I don't know if you were a lubaitcher, or if you are a lubavitcher, but I am interested in your view of the lubavitch movement. From non lubavitchers, I have seen two main viewpoints: lubavitch is good, thanks to their global kieruv work, and lubavitch is bad, thanks to their messianic shtuss. From my experience, both are true: lubavitch to say the least, has good intentions, and their messianic stuff isn't all that good. But for me, there are more pressing issues - namely, those discussed by yourself - such as university, employment, life, and lubavitch vs. non-lubavitch.
Before I continue, I should give you some background. I live in (a small city), and I became frum through lubavitch when I was 13. As you have written, I first became lubavitch, and then frum. I tried to follow all of their beliefs. I had such a happy childhood: I played sports, I had numerous friends, I went to school, I watched tv, and I was an avid hockey fan. This all changed when I joined lubavitch. Every second was supposed to spent learning torah, so I completely quit my sports, left my friends, and bitterly fought with my parents. I was taught that sports, tv, travel, and all other actions not involving G-dliness were wrong. I was also taught that non-jews and all non-lubavitchers were evil, and people to stay away from (there was one time when one of the shluchim here needed a bucket. It was full of insects, so he just dumped it on the floor, explaining that the janitor was a goy and he could pick it up).
School was the same. Secular studies and music "poison your mind" I was told, and they were forbidden at all costs. My parents forced me to finish public high school.
Against lubavitch's wishes, I was involved with (a non Lubavitch kiruv youth group) for a few years, before going to (a well known Kiruv type yeshiva) in jerusalem (a non-lubavitch yeshiva) after high school. I went there for a year and didn't like it. I then went to a yeshiva in new york which was even worse. I then ended up back in (my home town).
The lubavitchers kept encouraging me to go back to yeshiva. "What about a parnassah?" I asked them. "Don't worr"y they replied, "G-d will help - learning torah is more important".
And this brings me to where I am now. I am currently 23. I have lost all of my childhood friends, my baalei teshuva friends from my lubavitch days (who have all chucked religion and turned to drugs), my friends from yeshiva, and my friends from (the high school Kiruv group I had joined. The lubavitchers have also told me that unless I go back to yeshiva, or unless I am willing to constantly come to their shul and support them, and drive them, and help them financially, I am not welcome. I had been davening at that shul daily during my high school years, for a period of about 4 years, but unless I follow their agenda, then good riddance to me.
The question is now what (and this is where I hope your insight can help). I feel a bunch of emotions: guilt, anger, and frustration, to name a few. Although I have had almost no contact with them for 3 years, I am still in their mentality: I am 1 year away from finishing my BA at university here, and it is secular knowledge and I feel guilty. I also feel guilty because I listen to secular music, I walk, I travel, I watch tv. I am mad - at lubavitch, at my parents, at my 'friends' from yeshiva, (and that Kiruv youth group), everywhere who (I feel) have just left me here. I am frustrated - I gave up everything, and have been left with nothing.
I am also not 'frum' to say the least. I don't know if you know much about (my home town), but the frum community here is minimal at best. Back then, it was lubavitch or ? The only viable alternative at that time was another local ashkenaz shul full of yiddish speaking seniors. I didn't fit in there either. I haven't been to shuld in years. I haven't observed shabbos, yom tov (yom kippur), or anything in years, and I probably will not be able to for years to come. The problem is that I still believe - in G-d, Torah, and judaism - but I do not trust lubavitch, yeshiva people, or virtually anyone else for that matter. I am also in (my small home town) where I am not exposed to many other options. My main goal right now is to recover, and internally bring myself back to life. This is easier said than done, but do you have any comments about this mess? From your posts, I have seen what you have written about some of lubavitches practices and agendas, but my question to you is what about the aftershocks of these practices, such as my current situation.
Sorry for the length here, but I did want to get this off my chest,
hope to hear from you soon,
Jacob (name changed)
