The Shiddach situation today seems to be in a state of disarray. You can hardly pick up a Jewish newspaper without an article or column which discusses it. The current glut of singles who live on the Upper West Side of New York City seems to be growing exponentially. But the problems of finding Shiduchim did not begin yesterday. They have been around for a long time. And the problems need to be addressed. There is too much at stake. There are far too many single people desperate to get married and have a family. I don’t really have any solutions but I am wary of those who say they do.
I am reminded of an article I read in the Jewish Observer several years ago on this subject which really upset me. In the article Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman suggests that the American system of dating has it’s roots in 1940's US culture even if one is dating for Tachlis and even amongst Bnei Torah. He claims it is foreign to Torah Judaism. He argues that there is no model of Torah behavior that our present system can be based on...no precedent in Jewish history for our present system. It is based entirely, he claims on the American cultural model which itself is based on a value system foreign to Torah Judaism. He therefore concludes that it has no place in the world of Bnei Torah. By no means does he advocate a Chasidic system whereby the couple meets only once or twice. But, he claims that our present system, having no Torah precedent is subject to much abuse such as becoming infatuated and thinking it is love... or putting oneself and one’s date in compromising situations that could be Halachicly problematic such as Yichud or worse, especially after long periods of dating. Additionally he says, with some justification that the American system of Shiddach dating prolongs unnecessarily the search process. He further cites Gedolei Israel of prior generations in Europe that gave us a structure that would be more appropriate for Bnei Torah and claims that it is the model still followed in Europe today.
Primarily the system he advocates and claims has the approval of past Gedolei Torah is one whereby devoting time and effort to gathering relevant information, usually by a parent, about prospective Shiduchim prior to the first date, and limiting the number of meetings would make the process more productive, less stressful, and enhance it’s Tznius. He further claims that since these were Gedolei Israel their sage council transcends time and space.
Even though Rabbi Wachsman had some good points, his system refuses to recognize the reality of American culture. To be sure Charedi Bnei Torah are heavily weaned away from that culture to an extreme (which I find personally objectionable but is the subject of another discussion). But no matter how sheltered one is from society at large that culture filters in at some level no matter how much one denies it.
Rabbi Wachsman tries to refute the argument that European Gedolim could not possibly have imagined American society and that their methods, therefore would be applicable. “Surely”, he says, ‘Gedolim were aware that America is different, yet they conveyed their opinions to us with great force and clarity.” Perhaps they were aware that America is different. But they were not prescient, nor omniscient. They could not know the American experience. They could not know the power of the influences; positive or negative, impacting even the most sincere of Charedi Bnei Torah. They were, to be sure, trying to impress upon the Torah world the dangers of improper association with members of the opposite sex. Dating was but one such scenario to be avoided at all costs because in their world, the world of pre-war Europe... dating, American style was a slippery slope toward compromises in Tznius at best and Arayos at worst. So, In Europe they “put their collective feet down!” America, they likely reasoned, with all it’s permissive atmosphere, the situation would deteriorate even faster if “dating” in any form was to be the Modus Operandi of finding a Shiddach.
They system as we practice it today is far from ideal. In fact it is indeed laden with many of the problems attributed to it by Rabbi Wachsman. But in fact there is no ideal system. What works beautifully for one couple could be disastrous for another. What works well in one segment of our community as a whole does not necessarily work well for other segments or even for everybody in that segment. There is no one approach that can be universally applied. There are just too many factors that impact each individual situation.
Trying to standardize a particular system because it jives with another generation... another time, or another culture is counterproductive to the goal of finding the “right person”. Does a Modern Orthodox single really qualify for Chasidic style dating? Or Yeshiva type dating? Will the Chasid fare better if he adopts the dating habits of the typical Modern Orthodox? And what about a Baal Teshuva whose support system of research (usually parents) is all but non-existent?
The ultimate goal is for the single to find the right mate. But many roads lead to “Rome”. If I were to suggest an ideal system of dating it would likely be various combinations of all methods of finding a Shidach and then custom tailoring it, accentuating one or another aspects of it to the particular individuals involved. It is far more important to factor in background, Hashkafa, and environment onto an individual Zivug than it is to standardize the process into some sort of homogenized dating system. There has to be a realization that not everyone has the same goals in life. Different things are important to different people. Differing backgrounds dictate different approaches and this is a key objection to Rabbi Wachsman’s thesis.
Another objection I have to his thesis is his total lack of acknowledgment to the necessity of physical attraction. The only attention he pays to it is in the negative... saying in effect that love comes after marriage and anything felt beforehand is the American version of romanticized love which is nothing more than fleeting infatuation. While to a certain extent this may be true, it is never-the-less an important part of marriage to be physically attracted to the person with whom you are going to make a life together and live as husband and wife in every sense of the word. That Chasidim do not experience the phenomenon does not mean that it isn’t ever present and in our culture. We are virtually reminded of it all the time by all the media, entertainment or otherwise.
Sure... it is nice when possible to find out as much as one can about a potential date. This kind of research can eliminate a lot of “false starts”. But it isn’t always possible. And it is all too often the case that information is inaccurate. There is far too much bad information that is disseminated by biased individuals when researching Shiduchim, especially by some greedy Shadchnim. This can easily, and often does ruin a perfectly good match. Ultimately the only way one can find the right match is to do some research, take all information with a grain of salt and then go about the process of “discovery” through the process of dating.
