One of the biggest problems facing the Torah world today is that of the growing number of singles. And it cuts across all Hashkafic lines, from left to right.
The Ultra Orthodox community has indeed fallen victim to this plague. This can be seen the great number of singles living in Lakewood. The problem is so severe, that there is a well known “Kula” utilized. The ban on dating for a few months upon entry into the Yeshiva is removed for all Lakewood girls.
What’s the problem? Why has it come to this? In my view there has been a de-emphasis on the real purpose of marriage and an over-emphasis on being supported by the father-in-law. The “better” Bachurim look for money. This makes a Lakewood girl far less appealing, since their fathers are more often than not, Klei Kodesh who have sacrificed making a good living in favor of learning full time themselves. There is also another little publicized, but major factor in that community: Looks. Appearance has become a major factor.
Many Bachurim tell their Shadchanim that a pre-condition for any possible date is that the girls must be thin. Of course I don’t blame anyone for considering appearances. But it does seem to be rather shallow for a Ben Torah to make it a pre-condition. Money and Looks. That is a major source of the crisis, in my view. Those values seem to have become a priority over and above the values of character and the ability to be a good wife and mother. And the concept of marrying a Bas Talmid Chacham?... out the window. It doesn’t exist as a value anymore. It is off their radar. If it were truly valued, then Lakewood girls would be at a premium.
As bad as the situation is in the Charedi world, it far worse in the Modern Orthodox world. The Upper West Side of Manhattan, which is the bastion of Modern Orthodox singlehood, has become a cesspool of the worst of Western culture. I know this is strong language but it’s true. Most of the singles there have forgotten what the Tachlis of dating is. They have entirely bought into Hollywood’s concepts of the social life. They have immersed themselves in it.
As such one can theoretically never get married and yet still be totally accepted. Furthermore one does not have to give up social interaction with the opposite sex. No commitment necessary.
This fosters an environment of tremendous Nisayon in the area of Isurei Arayos. Harchokos such as physical contact are observed more in the breach than in the practice. I do not have personal knowledge but there has been much written about actual violations of Issurei Biah. I’m not talking about the majority. But I’m convinced that it does exist in far greater numbers than one might expect of observant Jews. This is quite understandable if one is so immersed in a culture that glorifies non-marital sex.
And for those who succumb to temptation, I doubt very much that there is any level of Tahara observed and Issurei Kares are probably violated by Jews who are otherwise quite observant in the other areas of Torah observance such as Shmiras Shabbos and Kashrus. I definitely believe this to be the case. It would be naive to believe otherwise.
If this is true, there is a mindset that begins to take hold. Why get married? And even if there is no sex, a false sense of security develops amongst them. They are happy in their lifestyles, which is justified by American cultural values and satisfying careers. And they have the sociological support of the vast number of singles that are in the same boat as they are.
But it is all an illusion. At some point they come to realize just how empty their lives are and what the future holds for them. They see some of their friends get married and get on with their lives in a far more purposeful way than the vacuity of their own.. Old friends who have gotten married and have children will make them realize at some point that their future will be one of loneliness. They will contrast that with the realization of Nachas of others and then look at their own lives as a relatively empty one of missed opportunity. They will see their friend’s children growing up and realize that life is just passing them by. But by that time it is too late. They have been too entrenched in that lifestyle and there is little they can do about it except look at their married friends with envy.
The claim from some in the singles community that here is too much pressure to marry is a false claim. True there is such pressure. And yes, they are right there is too much of it… to get married and get married young. This can and often does cause problems in a marriage. This too is no good. But the idea of living a singles lifestyle is not a Torah value. There is no sin in it per se, but it is a fallacy to think it is an acceptable lifestyle. It isn’t. The Mitzvah of Pru Urvu requires all males to try to get married and procreate. And though it is not a requirement for women, it is a strongly recommended proposition. There is a happy medium between marrying too young and never getting married.
This Mitzvah has all but been forgotten by the residents of the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Yet, it is still part of the basic psyche of anyone brought up in a Torah environment, even a Modern Orthodox one. And this creates a dichotomy… a conundrum… one which plays itself out in the form of far too many singles being depressed about a situation they have little control of in an environment of the glorified singles lifestyle that is the Upper West Side.
There was a suicide reported in the media of an Upper West Side Orthodox young girl who had just broken up from a relationship. While clinical depression is most likely to have been an underlying cause, the breakup almost certainly contributed to it. This young girl saw a future that looked bleak after her breakup. She did not buy into the idea that a singles lifestyle is the way to live. But she lived in a community that just about worships it. If one feels there is no hope… no way out, suicide is all too often the irrational conclusion a clinically depressed person comes to.
This ought to be a wakeup call for the Torah world. It is not enough to say… it’s not my problem. This is everyone’s problem. We cannot allow the situation to exist the way it does. We must redouble our efforts to not only find Shiduchim for our singles but to re-educate them about the Tachlis of dating… both in the Charedi world and even more so in the world of the Modern Orthodox. Otherwise the situation will only get worse. We should not idly stand by and watch it happen.
