I received this comment from someone named Chaim about his Matzav in the Charedi world. It deserves its own post. I present it here followed by my reponse.
The Letter:
I am one of your supporters. A Jew who became Charedi because it seemed like the closest thing in this world to Judaism. I am majorly dissillusioned with many aspects of the black world, but remained gloomily convinced that there is no viable alternative. Modern Orthodoxy seems to be as much a physical minority in its own world as it is a spiritual minority in the Charedi world.
How can I even move towards a movement whose leaders admit that the majority of its adherents do not keep basic halocho? I know you will respond "What about Charedim who do XYZ" but frankly I stand a better chance of making my children holier inside than I would of counter balancing the gentile influences in the MO world.
So I am left a believing Jew in the Charedi world who has independent hashgofos. I remain destined to watch movies in secret, to hide hechsherim which I know to be reliable but are not socially acceptable, to use the net at work as a window into the outside world I left behind but still hanker for at times.
For all the inconsistency this is actually the only way. I cannot leave the black world, as that is the only place where the masses keep Judaism. Yet I refuse to join the cult like abdication of human reason which calls itself Judaism in its more extreme manifestations.
I must clandestinely consult a MO Rav for a psak when I need one. Were my peers to know they would consider a reflection of weak yiras shomayim on my part. Yet I cannot even walk into a MO mosad for fear that my beard will make me a social leper and my interest in Jewish learning before contemporary culture will make me few friends.
So where does this all leave me, Harry? In much the same place as thinking people across time and cultures, I feel. Making my own decisions, one by one.
Shulem al Yisroel...
Chaim
My Response:
The picture Chaim paints is at the same time wondrous and tragic. Even though he doesn’t explicitly say so, I am assuming that he is a Baal Teshuva. And as such it is indeed wondrous when anyone sees the beauty of Torah and is motivated to radically change their lifestyle. It is a testament to the sincerity of one’s commitment when they do something like this. Mitzvah observance isn’t done out of rote behavior which is the way most FFBs do it. It is out of a real desire to serve God. How fortunate is the individual who rises to such a lofty level. I honor anyone who has committed to observance from a lifestyle of unfettered freedom. I truly feel humbled by such people and unworthy to stand in their footsteps.
But it is tragic that Chaim has come to see a Hashkafa that makes sense to him only to have to hide living that lifestyle amongst the peer group he has chosen as his community. He is a closet MO in a Charedi (Chasidic) world. A world that doesn’t tolerate deviance from its own narrow norms. So he lives in “the closet”. Forever fearing exposure. And he consults Modern Orthodox Poskim fearing exposure there too. How sad that one who came to Torah observance on his own has to now live in a world where diversity is not tolerated.
He asks what he should do and seems committed to living in the more cloistered and sheltered atmosphere of Chasidim. He feels his children have a better chance of “staying holy” there than in an MO world with all the negative influences. I disagree. As a Baal Teshuva he is far more idealistic than the average FFB. His children will perceive this and he will be their role model. Would that we could all have role models like this. And as I have said many times, in my view, controlled exposure is a far better way to be Mechanech your children than over-sheltering them.
By controlling exposure to that part of the general culture which does not violate Halacha his children will likely never come to consider those things forbidden fruit. By your teaching and your example, they will learn how to discriminate between the good and the bad. They can thereby remain holy.
One does not have to live in a cloistered environment. Doing that can have the opposite effect…turning everything into forbidden fruit… even those things which are Halachicly permissible. Upon exposure, which is inevitable at some point in their adolescence, children will then wonder what all the fuss was about and start questioning even those things which are clearly Assur. I say this knowing that sheltering does work in most cases. But there is ample evidence that over sheltering children does have a deleterious effect in a significant number of cases.
On the other hand I am not so naive to think that all Modern Orthodox children, even Centrists or RWMO will stay in the fold. They too can go off the track. The point is that neither community is immune. So if this is his only reason for staying with his Chasidic community, I would advise him to leave and find a sincere Modern Orthodox community … or at least a more heterogeneous one, where Modern Orthodoxy is accepted. In this way he can come out of the closet and live the lifestyle he most believes in.
The alternative is to continue living in the closet. This will not bode well for his future. By doing so, his children will ultimately find out and sense the hypocrisy of that. Nothing is more dangerous to spiritual health than finding out that your parents do not practice what they preach.
But there is one caveat. If there are other reasons… like a family that prefers to stay where they are, that should be factored into any decision. Leaving a community under strained conditions can do more harm than good. There are no easy answers. But if the family is willing and there are no other over-riding reasons to change other than a fear of exposure than I encourage Chaim to take the leap. Living in the closet will not bear fruitful results and can totally backfire.
