What is the most important goal in finding a Shiddach for the better Bachurim in Yeshivos? Is it finding a Bas Talmid Chacahm? No. It is money. Money is the deal breaker. And it seems that everything else takes second place.
No matter how much time passes things do not seem to be changing. At least that is what is being reported.
Money seems to be the battle cry of the better Yeshivos in Israel when it comes to making Shiduchim for their better students. I have long ago lamented the degree to which money plays a role in the Shiddach process. And I have heard horror stories about it. One would think that the Roshei Yeshiva would play down the financial aspect of Shiduchim. But it is exactly the opposite. The more money that a Rosh Yeshiva can get for his better Bachurim, the more prestige his Yeshiva commands.
By Roshei Yeshiva demanding often exorbitant sums of money for their better Talmidim, they de-emphasize the element of Torah L’Shma. What after all is the point of extorting large sums of money for these “better Bachurim”? Is it to make their lives easier so that they can learn without worry? Perhaps that was the original intent. But now it has become an important part of the image of the Yeshiva.
This phenomenon didn’t just start yesterday. It has been going on for decades. And it doesn’t matter whether we are talking about Israel or the US. Except that it’s worse in Israel because the burden there includes buying a Dirah… an apartment for the young Kollel couple.
And it isn’t like the rabbinic leadership is all that supportive of it. I remember Rav Shach clearly saying that expenses of this nature should be shared by both sets of parents. And currently Rav Chaim Kanievsky is opposed to this type of extortion too. His grandson was quoted as saying the following”:
“My grandfather’s opinion is that all expenses, including the purchase of an apartment, must be divided equally between the groom’s side and the bride’s side. As for the apartment, my grandfather says that it’s better for the bride’s side to pay a bit more in order to show respect for the Torah, even a thousand dollars more.”
Yet the trend continues unabated it seems, and the reality is that in many cases the finances are breaking the backs of parents who can’t really afford it.
Today’s Bnei Torah are far too pampered. Must they live on such high standards? And it isn’t only about extorting money from parents. They come from comfortable backgrounds and are unwilling to lower those standards. Some of the Yungeleit borrow from every G’Mach, max out all of their credit cards, and go into debt just so they can live the “good life” they’ve gotten used to. Unfortunatley I know of a few like this in Israel.
Where do they get these values? Well, they did not get it from the Gedolei Torah of past generations. There was no extortion there. Yes, in many cases they were supported but only with the bare necessities. Those who really strove for greatness did not seek all the creature comforts that those of today do. Although these “better Bachurim” are usually very bright and have lots of Hasmada, they are missing a very important element in the pursuit of greatness in Torah… of Gadlus. They are missing the element of sacrifice. They want to learn in comfort and want to retain the standard of living they grew up with. And because of that, they will never rise to greatness. They may all become fine Talmidei Chachamim, but greatness will be left to those who do not ask for money. Greatness will not go to those who look for wealthy father-in-laws but look for the daughters of Talmidei Chachamim. When learning Torah is the focus and the desire, anything else hardly matters. A Bas Talmid Chacham will know what is important and be willing to sacrifice right along side her husband.
I believe that this is one of the reasons we have not produced any Chazan Ishes, Steiplers, or Rav Moshes in our generation. I doubt that they sought comfortable lifestyles as a prerequisite to learning Torah L’Shma.
There is a story about the Steipler that illustrates the kind of sacrifice it takes to become a Gadol. I heard it said about him that he refused to learn in any Beis Hamedrash that was air-conditioned. His reason was that he did not want to get used to it because then he might not be able to ever learn in an unairconditioned Bais HaMedrash again.
It is this kind of attitude that is needed. Hasmada and intelligence has to be coupled with impeccable Midos and a willingness to sacrifice. Extrorting money from a potential father in law or maxing out one’s credit cards will never make one a Gadol. It will only make him a slelf centered Baal Taavah or a fool.
And yet this seems to be the current state of affairs in the Yeshiva world. The dollar is of paramount importance and this value is being transmitted to the Bnei Torah via Shadchanus demands.
