Once again I must thank Marty Bluke for citing excerpts from yet another terrific Jonathan Rosenblum article with which I entirely agree. The article speaks about the sense of entitlement many Yeshiva Bachurim have about their status as Bnei Torah. And this sense of entitlement spans every area of their lives. Many of them believe that because they are spending their lives learning in the Beis Hamedrash, it exempts them from virtually every other responsibility. The following quote from that article pretty much sums up this attitude
“Oh, so you expect your in-laws to support you for twenty years, but, chas v'Shalom, you should ever have to do anything for them." No doubt such bald-faced selfishness is rare, but the extreme examples often reveal more than we care to admit.”
Yes it is true that this may very well is an extreme example, but it does sum up the thought processes running through the minds of the many of the Bnei HaYeshivos.
Where Rabbi Rosenblum ends I begin. One must ask why this is the case. Why do they feel so entitled, so above the fray, so... elite? Part of the problem is the “doting parent”. As Rabbi Rosenblum puts it:
“One can certainly understand how a parent's heart swells with pride at the sight of a bochur who at the end of a long winter zman still wants nothing more than to put in a full day in the beis medrash”
Yes, young Charedi parents today... themselves not long ago part of that system... are indeed taught to highly value learning Torah. So they do support with pride their son’s decisions during Bein HaZmanim, to go learn at the local Kollel Beis Hamedrash all day and thereby avoid any of the more mundane responsibilities to their families.
In my view this is indicative of exactly the problem. Over the past 60 years Charedi Mechanchim have been so successful in planting the values of Torah learning into the psyche of their Charedi consituants that it has had the unintended consequences of instilling an undeserved sense of entitlement to them.
Rabbi Rosenblum points out that this is an across the borard phenomenon that has negatively impacted other areas of their lives such as the Shidach situation. The “Better” Bachurim are now demanding huge stipends from prospective father in laws in exchange for marrying their daughters. In many cases they are being encouraged to do so by their Roshei Yeshiva. And this in my view is just plain wrong. In effect the advice in the Gemarah for a young man to seek a Bas Talmid Chacham (daughter of a Talmudic Scholar) has been replaced by the seeking a Bas Gvir (daughter of a wealthy man) so that he can be supported in the style of life to which he feels he is entitled. Those fathers who have given their lives over to learning full time and are now Talmidei Chachamim find their own daughters to be second class citizens in the Shiddach scene. And if this process is carried forward into the future, the daughters of these young Chasanim will not be “worthy” of the better Bachurim either!
I can certainly understand why this attitude was articulated 60 years ago. Then the Zeitgeist was one of assimilation and success in the workplace. The American dream was a part of the human psyche then even amongst the Orthodox. It was all about going to college and succeeding in one’s profession, both materially and socially. This is what every parent wanted for his child… a better life. The idea of sitting in a Kollel was practically unheard of then. Both here in the US and in pre-Ponevezh Israel, Yeshiva learning was miniscule. With the holocaust destroying the world of Torah in Europe every effort was needed to re-establish it here. They needed to combat the assimilationist mindset and replace it with a Torah mindset.
America was the last best hope at that time. So the Gedolei HaDor proceeded to try and establish the concept of learning Torh as the highest ideal. They were of course very persuasive and after decades of that kind of indoctrination, it worked. Torah learning is now the highest value in American Orthodoxy. The world of Torah, once almost non-existent here is now the Orthodox mainstream whose ultimate potential can... and perhaps someday will... encompass almost all of Orthodoxy. Torah learning is the now highest of ideals.
But that success has now turned into the source of some of our biggest problems. And not a small one is the phenomenon described by Rabbi Rosenblum, the feeling of superiority and entitlement on the part of far too many Bachurim… a feeling that absolves them of any other responsibility in life, can and does cause Shiddach problems, even higher rates of divorce, and many of the other problems often discussed here.
The attitudes created in the America of 60 years ago in response to a necessarily hostile climate, still exist as though things have not changed.
Wouldn’t it serve Klal Yiroeal better if the Roshei Yeshiva took a different path now? Shouldn’t they re-establish as a goal for a Talmid Chacham to seek a Bas Talmid Chacham and not a Bas G’vir? Shouldn’t a sense of humility be more impressed upon the Bnei Torah than they are getting now? Is still necessary to harangue at every opportunity about how great the Ben Torah who learns full time is… about how far above the average Bal Habos he is, no matter what the Bal Habos’s achievements are in life?
While I hope, as Rabbi Rosenblum does, that the majority of Bnei Torah are not really that haughty, both he and I conclude that there is definitely at some level a mindset of entitlement.
The time for change is now, I think Bnei Torah already know how great they are… all too well.
