Do young people who want to change from the right wing Hashkafos of their parents to a more modern one… fall into the category of “At Risk Children?
Some people would assert that they do. The argument goes something like this: When a child from a Charedi home becomes Modern Orthodox, it is almost invariably due to a desire to run away from observance. And expressing such a desire is just a first step toward that.
On the surface that might seem to be true. Certainly going from Charedi to Modern Orthodox would lighten the load of a young person. But is it the slippery slope these parents are worried about? Perhaps. but, not necessarily. It is very possible that such young people do want to be observant. They just don’t want to be Charedi. Their motivations may be very much the same as those who, like myself, feel that Charedi Hashkafos are unnecessarily depriving them of legitmate resources of knowledge and entertainment. Or that their parents Hashkafos are depriving them of career opportunities by shunning college. They will observe Frum professionals and wonder why not them? Perhaps they just see forbidding things permitted to other Orthodox Jews as unfair and want the same for themselves.
True, in many cases, a desire for modernity is not motivated by a desire to be more caeful about observance. So when a child rebels even in this way, it can easily be cause for concern to a parent. Especially when a parent has been preaching the ills of modernity to his children all their lives.
Some parents view such rebellion as near tantamount to leaving Yiddishkeit! But is that the case? Perhaps sometimes it can become so. Surely a teen who expresses such desires is undergoing some from of rebellion.
But In my view a parent will be well served to consider the circumstances of their own particular situation evaluate all possible options and choose a path in which their child can succeed. As upsetting as it may be that a child is not following in a parents footsteps, it is far better to be Modern Orthodox than it is to be non observant. That kind of rebellion is indeed something to be concerned about. And as we all know dropping all observance is an all too common occurrence even in the best of households. A parent can easily fear an irreligious end for a child who expresses an interest in being more modern, as embarking on that “slippery slope” away from any observance.
But I would advise any parent so concerned to step back and analyze what is really going on. It may be true that in Charedi families such a child is “going in the wrong direction, if he or she seeks things which here-to-fore has been forbidden to them, like watching television. But even if that is the case, the reaction to it is an all important factor with respect to how that child will ultimately turn out. If a parent is horrified and reacts that way to a child, that child will surely react in a negative way. A child will see that his or her parents have rejected him and then see no point in observance at all. And that can easily result in a complete and total rebellion away from any obvservance and even self destructive behavior like using drugs and having casual sex.
The words Chanoch L’Naar Al Pi Darko are very important here. They are more than knowing which school to send your child too, although that is very important. It is equally important to know as best as one can the psychological makeup of one’s child. What their desires and dreams are, what their capabilities are… their strengths, and their weaknesses. And to make sure that there is never any rejection. By doing so and basically accepting them for who they are, one can be relatively certain that that child’s love for his parents will be returned along with a healthy respect for Torah observance.
I know several Charedi families who had this experience with their own children, three of them Chasidic. In almost all cases the children grew up to be responsible Frum adults who married and are living exemplary lives, albeit not the same Hashkafos they grew up with. This is because the parents all practiced Chanoch L’Naar Al Pi Darko. They allowed their children to be who they were and did not force them into any straight jackets that couldn’t be handled. Some of those children actually returned, at least partially to their parents paths.
But even for those that didn’t and are now Modern Orthodox, they are observant only because their parents did not reject them. Instead they loved them and helped guide them on their chosen paths. Some Yeshivishe parents sent their teenagers to mixed gender high schools. Some Chasidishe teens shaved, and traded in their Chasidishe Levush for the more modern Yeshivishe look… or the look of Modern Orthodoxy. And in all the cases I am thinking of, these young people are quite Frum and very Ehrlich. They all got married and live an observant lifestyle. And they have great relationships with their parents.
I therefore think that any parent who looks down at a child who expresses a wish to become more modern is in effect hurting that child more than can be imagined. And I’ve seen those results, too. They are the one’s who are the dropout and in some cases get into serious trouble.
Of course, as always, there are no guarantees. Sometimes an intolerant parent will be able to force their child back into the fold. And sometimes a loving and accepting parent will fail. But the odds are that love, acceptance, and proper guidance will work far better and more often than intolerance and rejection.
And the reverse is also true. Many Modern Orhtodox parents “lose” their children to Charedi Hashkafos. But there the danger is not leaving Yiddishkeit. It is whether there will be a relationship between parent and child. Tolerance and love go a long way there too. One needs to be prepared for any possibilities in life and deal with them properly. Acceptance, love, and guidance along a chosen path is the key with respect to how one’s children will turn out and whether a parent/child relationship will always remain a loving one. Chanoch L’Naar Al Pi Darko are some of the wisest words ever written. When it comes to our children, it behooves all of us to practice them.
