I received the following e-mail a few days ago with permission to post it. I have no way of verifying whether the exchange in this e-mail ever took place. But I believe it. It follows very closely what I have been told many times by many young people about similar conversations they have had with their own Mechanchim. In one case I know about, a former Avreich almost lost his Sholom Bayis when, after nine years in Kollel, he encountered a similar attitude by his Rosh Kollel. The words of the exchange below ring very true. So I present it here intact in its entirety. I include in part preface by the individual who forwarded it to me.
If this exchange is as true as I believe it to be can there be any doubt about the reasons for the difficult state of our Bnei Torah in Israel? Is there any question about poor financial state and the strain it places on the family? Or the emotional turmoil it can induce? Or the increasing the potential of placing their children at greater risk of 'dropping out'?
And is there any question that this is a major contributing factor of the Shiddach crisis?
If there was ever any reason to shout out, this is it. It is high time the struggling Avreichim who suffer from poverty, whose families are breaking under the stresses of many years of the Kollel life to shake themselves out of this malaise and wake up to their reality and do something about it. “So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell: 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!'
OK. That may be a bit extreme, but that’s how I feel sometimes. If attitudes like the one expressed by the Rebbe below are as widespread and common as I believe them to be, especially in Israel, then maybe a reaction like the one above isn’t such a crazy one after all. The Rebbe’s responses are in bold type. Here now, the exchange:
Preface: A friend of mine had the following email exchange with a Rebbe of his. This is a Rabbi at one of the programs in Israel that has a very good reputation, even in the modern orthodox world. When I first saw it, I thought that there was no way it could be real, not because of the views expressed, but because of the callous and insensitive way in which they were written.
As you will see, the guy did not exactly present the best case to his Rebbe, but the response is a real indicator of what many of these rabbonim really feel. I feel like I can say that not as a stereotype, but from very personal experience. This is NOT a minority view.
I hope this letter finds you well. I have been receiving the weekly emails. In general I value them for their timeliness and practicality. However, that said, one thing always strikes me. It seems that Rebbe is very quick to draw very black and white lines between those who are learning and those who are not- to the extent that you are quick to remind girls that there are those that learn full time- and then there are the 'other' who just don't; seemingly with the implication that we will not be good husbands who are committed to avodas hashem and building true torah homes.
I never said that those who don't learn won't be good husbands. I did and do say that their avodas HaShem will be nowhere near that avodas HaShem of aperson learning full- time and obviously, the home that they will build will be a different sort of home.
I wonder- as someone in the "working world" am I somehow not as good as those that have the luxury of staying in Yeshiva full time. Does Hashem throw away my learning because I am in the beis medrish for only an hour and not longer?
Of course not. Why would He throw it away? However, there is no question in my mind that you are NOT doing that which HaShem wants you to do. He didn't give us the Torah so that a person would spend 40 prime years of his life learning one hour a day!!
I can tell you that simply because I don't have the luxury of being in
A yeshiva full time- though I would go in an instant if I could- does not mean that my goals are any different than that of those who are in Yeshiva full time.
Of course they are.
There is nothing more that I want than to build a torah home based on yiras shomayim with someone who is commited to those same ideals. I don’t consider myself tainted because I'm out in the working world.
"Tainted"? Why tainted? However, you cannot honestly believe that this is what HaShem had in mind when he gave us the Torah. Come on now!
If anything I feel that the challenges of remaining a frum Jew in the working world are much much harder than sitting within the confines of
a yeshiva.
The Gra was asked this and answered that he isn't a challenge Solver!
Some of the most committed people that I have met are those that have been out in the working world and had to struggle with the challenges associated with it day in and day out.
Then I feel very sorry for you. It is a shame that you haven't met the REALLY committed people like Rav Eliyashiv and Rav Chaim Kanievsky!
I don't mean to put in a pitch for working. I would imagine that if Hashem would have wanted everyone in Yeshiva he would have made us all rich. Clearly, that was never His intention-
Who told you that? Was Rav Moshe Feinstein rich? Are Rav Eliyashiv and Rav Chaim Kanievsky rich? Learning Torah has nothing to do with being rich, but rather with making do with very little.
So to insinuate that somehow we are 'sub-par' and not as good as those in Yeshiva to the point that you advise girls that should they really want a Torah home that they should only seek out a certain kind of boy is hurtful and harmful to those of us that are precisely looking for that kind of girl.
I see. However, the truth is precisely that: you ARE sub-par!! However, don't worry, most girls don't understand a word about what I am speaking. So many many of them are exactly like you: they have no idea what real Torah is all about and so are very happy to marry a working boy so long as he opens a sefer from time to time.
Far be it from me to challenge Rebbe- I am a big believer in das torah- but I cannot feel that in some way that you classify us as second class- and frankly, I cannot understand why.
I don't see what the problem is. Your desire to have a comfortable life of gashmiyus has caused you to convince yourselves that learning one hour a day is acceptable. However, it most certainly isn't.
To write in an email (see below): "Davening with a minyan and making an effort to learn is what regular people off the street do; between that and being a true Ben Torah is a very big difference." I wonder if Hashem sees things that way also.
Of course He does.
Is it worth my effort if I am not as good as the next- then why even bother?
Nu.
I firmly believe that it is not the quantity of time that one puts into learning that matters rather the quality.
I see. You feel that the quality of your learning during the hour that you learn is as good as those who learn all day long. How many chaburos have you given this past month? How many difficult ktzosim have you answered? I tool feel that quality is very very important. Those who learn one hour a day don't even know what quality in learning is all about!
I think that being a good Ben Torah is a mindset- it is not quantifiable in terms of hours learned in the beis medrish or number of simanim of Mishna Berura learned.
Well, I guess that you need to think that in order to make you feel good about your lifestyle. It reminds me so much of what the secular Jews that I knew when I was young used to say. They would say that being a good Jew is a mind-set and is not dependent on doing all sorts of special actions like Shabbos and Tefillin!
Is it an attitude that we carry inside of us- a moral compass that people who are committed to a being 'ovdei Hashem’ regardless of who or where we are in life, carry internally.
Anyone who really believes that he is a true Oved HaShem when he spends only one hour a day in the BM is really very very confused.
To tell girls that there is a difference between myself and those in yeshiva might be true- but to tell them reconsider when we are suggested as potential matches- is hurtful.
It may be hurtful, but it happens to be very very true.
Maybe I am missing something- maybe there is some piece of information
That I just don't understand. I look forward to Rebbe's response.
Missing something? You are missing everything. I don't understand how you could believe for even a second that your lifestyle is what HaShem wants for us. Why would He have given us such a beautiful Torah then? Have all the Gedolim made such a big mistake in regard to THEIR lifestyles? Come on!
