The latest issue of the Jewish Observer features an article dealing with the ever growing problem of Shiduchim. I generally read articles on this subject because it is very dear to me. I know a few wonderful young women who are having trouble in this department. And I’ve written about this issue before.
But that is not the subject of this post. As I was reading this article and generally agreeing with it, I came across the following comment. It was in the context of a list of items that the authors, Leah Jacobs and Shaindy Marks, see as obstacles in finding a Shiddach. I agree with almost all of them. But not with this one, number 3 on a list of ten.:
Toxic Expectations: Realizing that many of our expectations are not our own, but a product of the influence of secular society on our subconscious desires.
Now I know what motivates this comment. And I even agree with it. It is that we live in a society where a pervasive popular culture extols superficial values... many of which are not in concert with Torah values. And that is a major impediment to finding the ‘right person’. It is an element of that culture that ‘Love… conquers all’ ...that falling in love is a prerequisite for getting married ...that if one doesn’t feel that emotion, one cannot even consider the individual they are dating. No matter what.
While I generally agree with what the authors are trying to convey, I would not put down the importance of feelings. One must feel an attraction to one’s potential mate if one is going to spend a lifetime with them. But it should not be the only factor and not even the primary factor. I think the authors agree with that and actually point it out in the article.
What troubled me about this comment, however, is the subliminal message it sends. It is only one small line in a fairly decent size article, but the message is huge. It is that all secular culture is bad. Not... that there are elements in the secular culture that do not reflect Torah values, just that it's bad... all of it! It wasn’t an overt statement. They didn’t say ‘all’. But it was definitely, if not intentionally implied.
This is a constant theme in right wing circles. Secular culture is bad. There is nothing good in it. I doubt that the right wing actually fully believes this but they rarely make any distinctions about the good versus the bad in American society. When speaking about secular society in the context of Torah, it is almost always the same black and white message: Torah Good… secular bad!
Of course Torah is good. But is all secular culture bad? Of course it isn’t. It isn’t a dichotomy, an either/or. There is much that is good in secular culture… much of it even based in Torah values themselves.
Why constantly hammer that message into the brains of our young people? Is it any wonder why so many people on the right think that all non Jews are immoral or even evil? Is it any wonder why there is so much lack of respect by right wing students, or even contempt in many cases, for secular teachers? Or for secular studies in general?
Is it any wonder why there is so much condescension towards those of us who do value those areas of secular culture that are in many cases actually positive… or are in some case at least harmless and not evil? Why must the right wing be so simplistic… so black and white about everything?
Perhaps, as I indicated earlier, the authors realize that not all of secular culture is bad. But that is not the message they sent. I think the that Agudah’s official magazine, the Jewish Observer, ought to make that clear next time anyone writes anything like that. If they are going to point out a negative value of the society in which we live, let them point out the specific value and not implicate all of American society as antithetical to Torah values. It isn’t.
