An individual who identifies herself as Kendra has asked a profound question. I have excerpted the essence of it in the following quotes:
How can you dismiss the problem of homosexual urges (by those with no heterosexual urges) as "just an issue of controlling your desires"?
There is the story about Yohnan ben Zakai's response to those who said that Jews shouldn't eat meat or wine after the destruction of the Temple. … it is too much to ask your fellows to bear." So not going without wine or meat is "too much to bear" but "going without sex" much less "going without a mate" is bearable?"
But I don't see how you can compare "resisting the urge to eat bacon" with "resisting the urge to have sex at all". Do you hear any tales of some Jew killing themselves because they were scared they were going to give in to the urge to eat bacon again?
I’m not sure I have any really good answers for her. It is especially tragic when an individual becomes so depressed that they commit suicide.
Kendra is quite correct in her observation. The sex drive is one of mankind’s basic urges, much like sleeping and eating. The only difference is in that the latter two cases it is a physical impossibility to survive without them. Surviving without sex is physically possible. But for the vast majority of mankind it is nonetheless a psychological impossibility. How can God expect so much of us? As she correctly points out, the rabbis factored in difficulty levels when instituting their prohibitions. Isn’t it reasonable to assume that God, among whose 13 attributes is that of Chesed … would have the same compassion as the rabbis when issuing His laws?
I have often said that on the issue of homosexuality, one need only condemn the actual sinful act and not an individual who has the desire. The sex drive is very strong. That is a universal truth that is reflected numerous times and in numerous ways in the Gemarah. Freud masterfully corroborated this in his own independent study. The culture we live in testifies to it. Just about every aspect of American culture is suffused with sex.
The sex drive is not exactlt the same in every person. There are individual differences. There is of course the obvious male female difference. But another difference is heterosexuality versus homosexuality. The vast majority of people on earth are heterosexual. However, in a significant minority of individuals the attraction is to the same sex. And the primary method of satisfying that desire is forbidden. Often the sex drive can be very intense. To ask people to be celibate under these conditions seems like a near impossible task. How can God ask that of people who love Him and want to observe His Mitzvos?
I don’t think one has to be an expert to understand the nature of the problem. And I don’t really have any great answers.
But let us examine a few things in an attempt to try and gain at least some understanding.
It should be pointed out that until about 40 years ago, homosexuality was considered to be abnormal behavior. It was thought of as a misdirected drive that somehow got detoured at a very early age usually because of some traumatic experience a child had. Like a sexual molestation. I think that there is some evidence to that as being - at least in part - a causative factor.
But generally that theory was abandoned in the seventies by the American Psychological Association. They decided that homosexuality was no longer considered an abnormality but rather an alternative lifestyle choice. Later scientists discovered a gene that is linked to homosexuality, thus making the case for normality even stronger.
Until the seventies, one could have dealt with the biblical prohibition somewhat. God was just forbidding abnormal behavior. But now it has been determined that homosexuality is biological.
If so, how can God then tell us that it is wrong? How can God give man a biological trait and call it an abomination worthy of the death penalty? That is very difficult. And it is one of the reasons I’m personally not all that convinced of there being an exclusively biological cause. It may well be proven at some point but I think the jury is still out. But… let us assume it is.
Perhaps we can look at a forbidden heterosexual scenario and get at least a partial answer. If for example a man has an uncontrollable attraction to a married woman, what is he to do? He is attracted to no other woman. Just this one. And he may even be despondent over his inability to fulfill his desire. How is it possible for God to deny this man his only outlet? To say he should just re-direct his lust is an impossibility in his case.
I know the analogy is not perfect but I think it might help to understand a little. Forbidden desire which includes no realistic outlet - still remains forbidden. That it is impossibly difficult to live by, doesn’t matter, if this is what God wants of His people. We can’t know God’s motives for these kinds of prohibitions. And we can’t compare God’s edicts with man’s. The Rabbis can say that one of their own prohibitions is too difficult to bear, but they cannot say that about God’s prohibitions.
I am aware of many men who are homosexual and are married with children leading happy normal lives. The homosexual urges are still there, but they deal with them. And they are obviously not celibate. God does not require celibacy of the homosexual man. This can be achieved either on one’s own or through psychotherapy. Is it ideal? No.
The ideal would be if everyone could fulfill their sex drives in a manner most appropriate to their own biological or psychological makeup. But we are enjoined by God from doing that no matter what our sexual orientation. We all have prohibitions that deny us that kind of sexual freedom. No less is the case with homosexuals. It may be harder for them to live by the law, but I don’t think it is impossible, nor do I think that a life of celibacy is necessarily the only option.
One final thing - and I cannot stress this enough. If someone transgresses and violates the biblical commandment against homosexuality, he should not be treated any differently than one who violates any of the other 613 Mitzvos. As long as he realizes it is sinful behavior and doesn’t try to trumpet it as a lifestyle choice. That would be the same as denying the clear Issur (sin) written in the Torah.
It is one thing to struggle with a personal failing and sometimes succumb to temptation. When that happens there is a little thing called Teshuva that can help individuals repent. Hopefully, the Teshuva will stick and prevent further violation of this Issur. But even if it doesn’t and an individual succumbs multiple times, he should not be treated with anything more than the compassion and human dignity that he deserves.
