I am opposed to wedding Takanos (rabbinic edicts). This is a position I have made clear on many occasions. But I am not opposed to the reasons that they are made. I agree that there is much excess in Klal Yisroel. Especially by those who really can’t afford it. There is unfortunately a sociological reason for this. I call it ‘Keeping up with the Cohens’.
There is no reason in the world that a wealthy Jew shouldn’t be able to enjoy his wealth in any way he chooses. But there are unfortunately those who feel that have to match their Simchos to those who are wealthier by far than they are. And they often borrow money to do so. This is an outrageous and shameful development in Klal Yisroel and one of the reasons that certain Charedi rabbinic leaders came out with Simcha Guidelines.
And now Satmar too has joined the fray. They have come out with their own set of guidelines as reported by the Jewish Press. Rabbi Aaron Teitlebaum, one of the two current Rebbes of Satmar, has come out with an official ban on excessive spending which includes detailed rules about how much to spend and what to spend it on. But there was one portion of the guidelines which stood out:
Gifts to the kallah: Only four pieces of jewelry are to be given: a watch, pearl necklace, earrings, and an engagement ring with a cubic zircona (diamond substitute) stone. The only additional gifts permitted are a machzor, Tzenah Ur’enah, siddur, kerchief and apron. (The kerchief and apron are usually of white silk and ceremonial, used to light Shabbos and Yom Tov candles.) The engagement ring, the first gift, is to be given for the first or second Shabbos after the engagement.
I had to laugh. Not at the cubic zircona, but at the following: They are ‘limiting’ gifts to four pieces of Jewelry?! And all that other stuff along the way?!
When has it become a requirement in Klal Yisroel that a Kallah must receive any gifts, let alone four pieces of jewelry? How many does a Satmar Kallah normally get now, before these Takanos take effect?
‘Keeping up with the Cohens’ is a phenomenon that is not often discussed. And I believe it is harmful to Klal Yisroel. It has macro implications as well as micro implications. Not only does it apply to Simchos in general, it applies to gift giving. And it has spread to all facets of Jewish life.
Let’s take the example of a Chasan giving a piece of jewelry to his Kallah in the Yichud room. What started out as a lovely gesture, is now de-rigueur. It is now expected. If a Chasan doesn’t do it, he is looked down upon. The Kallah will feel bad. Her Chasan might be seen as thoughtless in not buying the ‘standard’ Yichud room gift. And her friends and family will wonder about this Chasan. Does he really have any good Midos?
This new mindset is an outrage to me.
I don’t blame the Kallah at all. At this point in time it is the (ahem) 'gold standard'. And she understandably feels slighted. Should she? I don’t think so. But that is how things have evolved.
How did it happen? Probably at one time one fellow gave a gift to his Kallah which was a very nice and thoughtful thing to do. The next person heard about it and did it too. That led to others doing it and it mushroomed. The ‘Minhag’ spread to the point that it is no longer a nice thought but an expectation.
If a Kallah is not given a gift she feels bad. Not a great way to start a marriage. This applies to many such Minhagim – customs that developed in similar ways, like the Chasan buying flowers for the Shabbos Kalla. A beautiful gesture at one time is now seen as must. If he does not send flowers the Kala will be insulted. People will talk!
Someone ought to stand up and say, No! Mandating and following these customs is via social pressure is wrong-headed. Children should be taught at the earliest ages to not have these expectations. They ought to be taught to understand that if a gift is given it is a very nice thing to do but in no way should they ever expect it and that not reociving one says absolutely nothing about the Chasan. Successful relationships ares not about gifts.
To be clear, I want to reiterate that I am not opposed to a Chasan giving his Kallah a gift. Or buying flowers for the Shabbos Kallah. He can buy as many gifts as he wants. And they can be as expensive as the Chasan can afford. What is wrong is the expectation of it. That should be eradicated from Klal Yisroel.
There are many Chasanim that simply do not have the means yet feel forced to comply with this new Minhag because of social pressures. They may be the biggest Baal Midos - young men of great character - and it doesn’t matter. They are expected to buy the standard gifts. Pearl necklaces are very expensive. No Chasan should be socially pressured to buy these things at all. Period.
Perhaps one solution to this problem would be to be teach our daughters that upon being engaged they should tell their respective Chasanim of modest means not to spend money that way… and to instead save it for the marriage where it can be used to better purpose. In this way there will be no disappointment if there is no gift and if there is small gift, it will truly be appreciated.
This ‘custom’ of excessive gift buying ought to be broken and discarded.
But that hasn’t happened yet, In fact the opposite seems to be happening. This harmful custom has now spread to the youngest of ages. Even 1st and 2nd graders are getting inappropriate gifts now. My daughter observed that very young children were now getting flowers as a gift from their parents for performing in a Chumash or Siddur party in school. Flowers! To a 6 year old!
What happened? One parent brought it one time, next time a few parents did it. And now those parents who don’t disappointed their children. It has become expected. It wasn’t enough that a parent would come to the party in school in the middle of a work day and bring a grandparent of two. There have to be gifts now!
If there was ever a place for Takanos, it is in the school setting. There... it is a matter of Chinuch. Schools ought to forbid parents from bringing showy gifts for their children on the school premises. Because this does nothing but put pressure on all parents to do it and makes those children whose parents can’t afford it end up feeling slighted.
Upset by this my daughter spoke to the teachers and for the next event, parents were told that all gifts and rewards should be given at home away from the school.
That ought to be a lesson for all of us. If we don’t start teaching our children at this young age about proper expectations in life, then they will end up growing up to be very unhappy people who are victimized by a mentality of our own making.
Modified: 2/10/08 3:39 PM CST
