This is very important so turn off your cell phones and don’t interrupt me!
One of the most important Mitzvos of this holiday season is the Mitzvah of Matanos L’Evyonim. For those of you who don’t know what that means. It doesn’t matter. The point is what you can get for your money. I’m talking Segulos.
Yes, I’ve seen the light. Segulos do work. Especially the ones I’m selling. By sending me your personal check, it is the best way you can fulfill this important Mitzvah. I have Haskamos from all the Gedlolei Hador. Trust me. (Signatures upon request.) Where the money goes is my business. The main thing is the Segula.
What is a Segula? That doesn’t matter either. Just send me your tax deductible contributions of $500 made out to me, Harry Maryles, and send it to my company: The Harry Maryles Charitable Segula Fund. In this way you can be assured that your money will be well spent. In return, you will receive at no extra charge the biggest Segula of your life.
Anyone who has ever experienced the sickness of ‘too much gas’ will know what I am talking about. By sending me the Segula amount of $1000.00 dollars corresponding to the number 120 (adjusted for inflation) you will be guaranteed relief from this terrible plague. I’m sure many of you have experienced this 'illness'. It usually occurs after one eats the primary meal of the day on Shabbos morning.
It is not a pleasant experience, I’m sure. Of course I have never experienced it, but I am told by a reliable source who shall remain nameless (but is related to the founding father of this disease, HaRav Melvin Brooks) that it is a painful experience. It can literally fill up the room and foul up your day. It is a silent but deadly disease. Ask anyone who has experienced it. They will tell you just how odious of an experience is. Not fun. Trust me. It is anything but a blast!
Anywho - where was I? Oh yeah. Cholent. Once I receive your tax deducable contributions of the $2000 dollar Segula amount (adjusted again for the rapid rate of inflation) I will deposit it in a special off shore account. After the check clears you will receive the Segula string that was blessed by the great Sephardi Chacham, the Baba Wawa who happened to be visiting Chicago when I thought this up. He is here on his own mission of mercy. Oy - Nebech. You wouldn’t believe it! More about that later.
The important thing is that when you get this Segula string you must wear it on your left ankle for a period 33 and 1/3 weeks corresponding to Stam Nezirus of 30 days or Nezirus Shimshon (I forget which). Afterwards you must wash the string in a mixture of honey, peanut butter, fish brine, vinegar, and orange juice made from concentrate. If it turns white, then say this Bracha: “Borei Minei Marantzin - Zol Arein In Gantzin” and swallow it immediately without a Hefsek.
Important: DO NOT SAY THE YEHI RATZON. IT IS OF DUBIOUS ORIGIN.
Upon completion of this procedure you will be cured of this terrible malady at least until the following Shabbos. Mah Rabu Masecha HaBaba.
This Segula was discovered in a jar of moldy strawberry jelly found in the parking lot of Yeshivas Brisk after all the snow melted. There was a letter attached explaining what it is. It is called the Segula of the Rebbe Reb Shmelka Grossbart. He got it as a Kabala from his father’s mother’s great uncle on his wife’s side. It goes all the way back to the first Temple era. Trust me. It really works.
Many people who have tried every other method of relief known to man, woman, and beast and failed have tried this method. I have secured a testimonial trumpeting its success: Here is a direct quote:
‘This jelly thingee really works!’ ‘Where’s my check?’
How can anyone argue with that?! Try it you’ll like it.
Remember to make out a check for $5000 to Harry Maryles and send it to: The Harry Maryles Charitable Segula Fund at: 123 ½ Blowhard Way, El Paso, Texas 60659.