Thursday, July 29, 2010

Gay – and a Married Man

Guest Post

The following is a guest post by an anonymous individual who calls himself ‘Hope’. It was sent as a comment to my recent post about the ‘Statement of Principles’ with respect to homosexuality in Judaism. It was addressed to me but it should be read by everyone.

There is much to reflect upon in this man’s story. He is obviously a sincere man who struggles with his sexual orientation and lives a life of private emotional pain. And yet he is a devoted and committed husband and loving father. Rather than answer his questions and challenges in a comment of my own I present it here unedited (except for some minor grammatical corrections) in its entirety.

This statement (of principles) actually gives me hope. It’s too late for me. I chose to ignore my true feeling and accept the advice of some faux psychologist I saw when I was in Israel who "taught" me to sublimate my true sexual desire and convinced me to marry. Well, I'm 14 years into the marriage; my poor wife is certainly not fulfilled, neither am I.

Our kids (their conception is a whole other story in itself) are being raised by a mom and dad, but come on Harry - how different could it be if I were able to live my life with a life partner I was able to love fully, in every way? I know that my true sexual desires make you feel yuch, so to make "you" happy I married a woman.

Who won there? My wife? Me? My kids? My shul? My community? My "therapist" who had one 30 minute meeting with me 20 years ago and "cured"me? Please spare a minute to think about how many people out there are like me, sublimating our true sexual desires for the greater good of Torah observance.

No, I will not cheat on my wife my having an affair, or trawling chat rooms, etc. But I cannot fake my true desires and my heart knows what it wants. It just will never get it. My hope is that if one of my sons, or nephews, or some young man hearing of this statement feels that they can live lifestyle truer to themselves, who don't feel that they have to ruin theirs and a poor woman's life by entering into a false marriage and raising kids in that environment, then the Rabbi’s who created this can save a branch of yiddishkeit.

I really do feel jealous of those people courageous enough to live their authentic lifestyles, especially those who have managed to remain (is some ways) within the scope of halachah. Me - I'm here in this marriage in the long term. Obviously, after 14 yeras my wife knows (it took me a long time but I came clean years ago) , she's not delighted, but we are best friends (truly).

But every day I cry inside because I cannot fulfill her, and I do try, and its not impossible (the "psychiologist/ Rabbi" told me that if I can "perform" then I'm not truly gay - so, I can "perform" but my mind's desire while doing it is elsewhere if you know what I mean). Harry - I hope my "yuch" factor has gone down!