I’m beginning to wonder just how common this problem is. But it does seem to be big and growing. I am talking about porn addiction in the Frum world. Yet again I read a letter to an advice columnist about a wife that discovered her husband has been frequenting porn sites. She was devastated by it and confronted her husband. At first denied it but then blamed it on a past involving women and drugs and the male sex drive. She does not see her marriage surviving.
The advice columnist, Emuna Braverman, responded that their situation was far from hopeless and that the problem exists even with people from ‘pristine backgrounds’. She advises that her husband see a therapist that deals with porn addiction. Good advice.
Mrs. Braverman also notes that the male sex drive is indeed very strong and that is why there are so many Halachos dealing with men avoiding erotic images.
Why is this such a problem these days? Here are my thoughts.
I believe the Gemara’s famous statement forbidding gazing at even the baby finger of a woman is a clear recognition of the power of the male sex drive. It does not always take the most erotic image to arouse the male libido. It depends on the individual and it is not necessarily related to background or level of observance.
It’s more the mental state of the individual man than it is the image he is viewing. The Rambam Paskins that men are forbidden from gazing at the baby finger of a woman (Issurei Biah 21:2). But it is only forbidden if one intends it for pleasure in which case it is the same as looking at her nakedness – the Makom Erva.
It is therefore pretty clear that it is the erotic intent of the viewer rather than the image itself that is the culprit. Chazal understood the nature of the male libido. It’s not about the finger. It is about what’s on the mind of the viewer when he looks at it. This is supported by the fact that no Halacha Sefer in the world requires women to cover their baby finger.
So why would anyone see a woman’s baby finger as erotic today? I think it is because western culture bombards us with a constant flow of erotic images of varying degree. It is almost impossible to walk down a street and not see an erotic image somewhere. Whether on a billboard or on the side of a passing bus - advertisement images like this are everywhere. Advertisers long ago learned that ‘sex sells’. People will pay attention to a product or service if there is a beautiful woman in the picture selling it.
Images like this are stored somewhere in the brain and are kept just barely below consciousness to those who so constantly see them. For those whose self control is weak it doesn’t take much to want to access porn on an I-phone in the privacy of an office or study after the libido has been stimulated all day long.
The ease of viewing porn is just too great of a temptation in a culture such as ours. Especially since it can be easily hidden from one’s loved ones most of the time. All that is needed in far too many cases apparently is the slightest urge to view it - and instantly it’s on an I-phone.
This is why there is so much antagonism by rabbinic leaders toward the internet these days. It is for a good reason. Many marriages have been ruined by husbands who access porn on the internet. And many more are in trouble. As the above mentioned article indicates
It is all too easy to say that one should exercise self control. But - Ein Apitropus L’Arayos. There is no way to guard against immoral behavior. Given the opportunity we can all succumb. The Gemarah sites cases where even Tanaim were tempted – given the right stimuli and circumstances for them. No one is immune.
On the other hand, we also know that simply banning the internet from our lives will not work. Aside from the fact that there is far too much value in it to ban it - it is unrealistic since online proliferation seems to be saturating all manner of communication devices. And no one is really paying attention to internet bans anyway.
So how do we handle this brave new world we live in? The answer is that we can’t fully control it. Self control may work for most of us most of the time. But it is far from foolproof. The same thing is true about internet filters. Functioning in the modern world gives us little choice but to have - and to use the iternet. Increasingly so. The internet has become an invaluable tool for the vast majority of the civilized world. Trying to ban it is almost like trying to ban air. For the potential porn addict – he will find his porn and his libido will keep him coming back.
I truly believe that the internet is responsible for the current rash of porn addictions in the Frum community. Although it is obvious that self control is an important element in dealing with this problem it is just as obvious that self control is not enough. It might work for most people but the fact is that there are increasing numbers of porn addicts in the Frum community. I also know is that all the banning and exhortations about its evils in the world do not work. That is obvious too.
It seems we have a real and probably growing problem… with no real solution except vigilance and understanding. Obvioulsy all precuations should be taken to avoid looking at porn. But in far too many cases its going to happen anyway. The only way to really deal with it then is post facto.
If a problem is discovered with a loved one, anger and frustration may result – but that should not determine outcome. In my view the only realistic way to deal with the problem is by overcoming one’s anger upon discovery, understanding that it is not an insurmountable problem, and insisting on professional help for the discovered addict.
