Many of them are all from fine families. Exemplars of great
parenting. Nothing dysfunctional about them. The parents have many children all
the rest of which are the obvious results child rearing by 2 great parents.
Most of their children do fine in the Hashkafic milieu in which they were raised
and in which they live. And yet it seem to be increasingly the case that at
least one child has no interest in towing the family religious line.
In the families that I know about it seems the problems tend
to begin in mid to late elementary school or early high school.
The question is why is this happening? What is it that is
driving this OTD phenomenon in good families? It is very understandable when
this happens in dysfunctional families where physical or mental abuse exists
either between parents; between a parent and child; or both. It does not take rocket
science to see why a child associates their strife their parent’s lifestyle. If
they are a religious family, then religion is associated with that strife.
But what about the good families with good children where
one of them does not want to have anything to do with their family’s religious
way of life? Unfortunately I know of far
too many situations like these. Hashkafos don’t seem to matter that much. I
know families with an OTD child that are very right wing, moderate Charedi, and
right wing Modern Orthodox. None of them are so strict as to warrant the kind
of rebellion they have experienced from at least one child.
I have no real explanation. But I suspect it has something to
do with the current pressure that schools
and thereby parents put on their children to excel in their religiosity,
Limudei Kodesh or Limudei Chol. I am constantly hearing about how schools of
all Hashkafos are ‘rasining’ their standards. That is impacted negatively by
the times in which we live. By that I mean the great distractions that now
exists that did not exist in the past. Distractions that expose children to a
much easier lifestyle than their parents insist upon. Distractions that take
away from their study time. Distractions that cause them to question matters of
faith. These are distractions that those of us over the age of 30 never had
when we were growing up.
The internet, its ease of use and availability, and the
ability to easily hide one’s involvement with it puts pressure on young people
now – as never before. No matter how much we try to discourage it, limit it, or
ban it, it is so pervasive that it is impossible to avoid the influence it has
on children. Children can access anything they want as quickly as they can
delete it from a screen. A child now has an unprecedented and unfettered window
to the entire world. A little curiosity about a taboo subject will beget
websites and images that can easily pull a child away from their parents’
influences. It is amazing that there aren’t even more OTD children than there
are.
Couple with this is the increased pressure put upon children
in our day to be more religious and be better students than ever before.
The pressure to excel and adopt ever increasing Churmos into
our lives has become so ingrained that not conform to these new standards is unacceptable.For
example violating a Chumra is as painful to a family as violating a Halacha. I
know one family that feels great pain that a child now uses non Chalav Yisroel
products. I hasten to add that they are a very loving family - accepting of
that child and allowing her to bring non Chalav Yisroel products into the home
and use them freely. But it still pains
them internally.
And how can any self respecting parent not want their child
to excel in school? So with every increase in the amount of material to be mastered,
there is a parental motive to see to it that their child measures up. Whether
it is the Charedi standard of Limudei Kodesh or the MO academic standard. And in many cases – both.
If you combine the two phenomenon of increased pressure (whether
religious or in the level of study)in the home and in school with the ubiquity
of the internet - I think one can understand why the OTD phenomenon even in
good homes might be near epidemic levels.
I would add that the fact that as the religious population
increases, so too do the number of children going OTD – even if the percentages
may be the same. But if I had to guess the percentages have increased too and
not only the numbers.
I don’t know how to solve any of these problems. But I do have
a few thoughts about it. First we ought to be aware of the problems and to recognize
that we live in unprecedented times. One cannot for example ignore the internet.
Nor can it be successfully banned. But one should do the best they can to set
up parental controls, rules, and guidelines about its use. And avoid giving
very young children hand held devices.
Of course the most important factor is to love our children unconditionally.
Even – and perhaps especially - if they are at risk or OTD. They must know that
they will always be loved; part of the family; and welcomed in the homes. Even
if they are Mechalel Shabbos, and eat Treif. A bare headed son or daughter
whose modesty does not measure up to family or community standards must be
accepted. No matter what others in your community think! That may not bring
them back. But it will for sure not push them away should they ever want to
come back.
Another much harder thing to accomplish is to change the current
penchant of religious schools to demand ever
increasing religious standards for – not
only their students but their parents.
The same thing is to be said with the ever increasing academic
standards; or Torah study standards. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be top schools in an area of study
in either Limudei Kodesh or Limudei Chol. But they should be special schools reserved
for the very best, brightest and most highly motivated students among us. Putting a child that does not have those
qualifications into schools like those will almost certainly set up them up for
failure. And failure should never be an option.
