There is probably a lot going on in the mind of a Baal
Teshuva that is left unsaid - but ought to be. We are our brothers’ keepers. All Jews are responsible for one another. And we need to evaluate the outreach that
has been achieved. How successful is it
really?
Are Baalei Teshuva truly happy with their changes? Are their
new lifestyles what they expected them to be? Are they as accepted as they
thought they would be? Are there any regrets? Have their lives improved? And is
there a negative side to their experience? What kind of guidance do they
continue to get – if any?
What about their children? If they were old enough to
realize the changes, were they accepting? Were they rebellious? What about the
non religious parents or extended family of Baalei Teshuva? To what extent does
their change impact that relationship? And to what extent does that cause any
regrets – if any? Is there any evidence that there is a greater chance for
dysfunction among Baalei Teshuva because of their radical change in lifestyle?
There were 2 very important articles on this subject by two
of my favorite people, Jonathan Rosenblum and Rabbi Yitzchok Adlerstein. Although these articles did not directly deal
with these issues, I received the following response to them by a Baal Teshuva
who is intimately familiar with them via his profession. His thoughts follow.
I am a BT – a function of both a very traditional South
African upbringing and Ohr Somayach and Aish in Israel – where I studied.
While I am forever grateful to the these institutions for
discovering a world of depth and meaning through Torah living – my experience
since and having lived in many frum communities throughout the world – and my
experience in working with the ills and challenges of our community leads me to
say that just as the general Chareidi world is going through profound change so
too must the the kiruv world.
In a nutshell – the rigid compartmentalization and almost
robotic cloning of graduates in one “Torah-True” way of thinking and living –
where all other derechachim (Hashkafic paths) are rejected at best, has to end.
Otherwise the post Baal Teshuva road which is littered with
many tragic and dysfunctional tails of individual and family - will only get
more acute.
Suffice to say that this is a very serious but complex issue. I have always said that to some extent I can
understand the approaches of Aish, Ohr Somayach etc.
They see themselves like intensive care units (ICU) and they
don’t know how much time they have with each ‘patient.’ Hence a very strict and
regimental prescription. But there are terrible costs to this as well. Yes, in
the short-term it may yield more ‘patients’ that look to have been miraculously
transformed to profound mental and spiritual health, but in reality – for many
the tools/thinking/one-dimensional prism of life that is fostered - are the
very seeds that sprout disaster down the line.
From a learning reality devoid of the richness of Torah life
diversity (and true individual expression), the challenges of the frum world,
to over-night frum packages that include pushed through/suggested marriages
with equally naive, just-newly-frum so-called soul mates. To the ludicrous
reality – very common – where a Baal Teshuva woman will rather look for a black-hat Baal Teshuva
who only seeks to learn than say a Yeshiva University graduate who is deeply
religious and also deeply engaged in the world- in a kosher way and bringing kedusha
to the world.
I take major issue in Jonathan’s and the Chareidi world in
relation to kiruv whereas Rabbi Alderstein quotes “what potential students look
for is authenticity and passion, and these have been lacking in the DL
community. Too often, secular Jews see Dati Leumi (DL) Jews as very much like themselves,
other than the wearing of a kipah serugah.”
Again while I see great merit in the passion of Chareidi
world, there is also a great deal of passion that is solely misguided and
solely not Torah. As for authenticity – yes I even always prefer a Rabbi with a
beard, but there is so much in Chareidi world that they present as only
authentic – which just is not.
It is far easier in life being narrow-minded and narrow
focused and driving passion and authenticity. But this also very often yields
zealots and extremists. It is far more difficult and yes, maybe less
superficially passionate and authentic - when one fuses faith and the modern world
– where every day is not just a beating of the Gemera but learning – and by
example, effectively managing one’s anger in the workplace.
This is not to say that DL or Modern Orthodox (MO) world
has got it right in Kiruv. It hasn’t. It
also needs to do some very clever and creative soul searching in realizing an
outreach approach that attracts and inspires the less affiliated. But not by
propagating through the tools of the Chareidi camp where is all “black” or
white” and is “us or them.”
Here are some more points to ponder:
. Being
any less so-called passionate, does not denote being any less authentic. Most
importantly the question is the authenticity of that passion!
. I
do not have numbers, but anecdotally I know so many BT’s who got divorced and are
now in their 2nd and even 3rd marriages
· How
many stories do I/we hear of BT’s who driven to do what they see as “only emes”
have 5, 6 7 children and just cannot cope and families and marriages implode
· Many
of these BT cannot face to question ANY aspect of guidance they may have
blindly taken as truth/only path for if they do, it opens a pandora’s box -
that the Rabbi could have been wrong! He is not infallible…
· Many
male BT’s with such large and dysfunctional families, cannot handle the
financial realities (money was meant to fall from the sky) simply loose it, get
divorced and very often completely go off the derech
I do believe this subject warrants a whole book. But let me
just end with this. I think it is a very difficult issue as it touches a third
rail for many BT’s – even myself. That is – how can one be critical of such
institutions when they gave you so much?! What chutzpah! This is not to detract
from the incredible work they have done and continue to do.
What I am merely saying is that just as the frum-from-birth
Chareidi world is finally reevaluating issues of the value of work, parnassah,
contribution to Israeli society, so too the Chareidi kiruv institutions that
‘produce’ BT’s have to realign and reassess how they nurture the frum
population of tomorrow. And so too how DL and MO world needs to candidly
evaluate what more they can do to play a more prominent and effective role in
outreach. Outreach that sans black hat is no less passionate, more authentic, and ever
more relevant for tomorrow.
