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| Philanthropist, R' Shlomo Yehuda Rechnitz (Mishpacha) |
I should make clear at the outset, that none of this applies
to the Chasidic world. They apparently do not have these problems. And the
Modern Orthodox world has an entirely different set of problems. Both of which
are beyond the scope of this post.
The numbers do seem dire. Increasingly so. According to this article, some Shadchanim
estimate that fully 10% of the young women in the current Charedi world remain
unwillingly single. One experienced Shadchan R’ Shlomo quoted suggested that a
young Charedi young woman over the age of 25 has less than a 15% chance of ever
getting married. That figure was considered optimistic y another Shadchan that
R’ Shlomo spoke to. If that is anywhere near true, then I would suggest that the
Shidduch ‘catastrophe’ is cataclysmic! For
a 25 year old young woman to be considered an ‘over-the-hill’ spinster defies any
sense of reality. And yet I suspect that it is so in these circles. The question
what is the real cause and how can we fix it?
R’ Shlomo has bought into the notion that the fault lies in
what is referred to as the ‘age gap’. This is something I have written about before.
Briefly it can be described as follows. Women are ready to get married by age 18 or
19. Men tend to not be ready until about age 23 since they want to get a lot of
learning under their belt before accepting the responsibilities of marriage.
So although there are approximately the same number of boys born
as girls, there is a 4 or five year accumulation of girls aged 18 to 23 that
outnumber the boys by a factor of 4 or 5 . 23 year old boys prefer dating the younger
girls. Hence the problem. The older they get, the less desirable they become.
Once they reach the age of 25, they may as well give up! And the phenomenon
keeps growing.
I never quite understood this since there are an equal
number of boys born as there are girls. The numbers do not seem to add up. The
ratio of boys to girls is one boy for one girl. Where is the excess? Nonetheless, this is what they claim to be
the problem. On the other hand one
explanation for this imbalance is that there are a lot fewer young men that
are ‘good learners’ than there are ‘good girls’ who want seek only them for marriage.
It is easier to ‘want a husband to learn’ than it is for a husband to actually
learn.
What is the solution being touted in these circles? Closing
the age gap! Some Charedi Roshei Yeshiva and Rabbonim have publicly called
for lowering the age for men to get married to as early as age 20. R’ Shlomo
also suggests a novel approach whereby young women not begin dating until they
are age 22.
In the meantime there are organizations that have been
created that offer financial incentives to encourage Shadchanim to find
Shiduchim for the 25 year old ‘spinsters’. (And yes… I use the term for shock value – the
situation is serious enough for us to be shocked into action.) But as R’ Shlomo
points out, all this has done little to change the ‘overall trajectory’- of the
‘downward spiral’.
Interestingly, to help offset this, R’ Shlomo has made an
offer to any Shadchan of $10,000 that sets up a successful Shidduch between a 25
year old woman (or older) with a man the same age or younger.
I do not see any of this as being realistic. Young women
will never be convinced to wait until they are 22 to start dating. And young
men getting married at age 20? Really? Needless to say, for most young men(there
are exceptions of course) age 20 is way too young to get married. Most 20 year
olds are boys, not men. They are simply are not mature enough to handle the responsibilities of
marriage.
There is another issue that impacts negatively on Charedi
Shiduchim: The idea of parents treating it like a business deal. What I mean is
that it has become an unfortunate norm in the Charedi world for parents of a ‘good
learner’ to extort huge sums of money to
support their son in Kollel in the event they get married as a prior condition
for a date. No money? No date!
If you ask me, this system is broken. Leaving aside the fact
that far too many young men are encouraged to stay in the Beis HaMedrash for as
long as possible despite the fact that they would better serve God in other
ways, I cannot protest enough the mercenary way in which Shiduchim are treated
these days.
The unbelievable pressure that parents must feel to support
their sons in law with money they don’t have must be enormous. In a typically
large family where there are many daughters to marry off, where is any middle
class parent going to find the money to do that? Is there any wonder that some
people resort to fraud or worse to meet those obligations? Who wants to see
their daughter suffer? …and reach the age of spinsterhood at age 25? Desperate parents have been known to double
mortgage their house; sell their life insurance policies; work well past
retirement; and even borrow from free loan societies in order to support their
sons in law in learning.
I know that this community will not listen to me. But I
still feel obligated to suggest a way out for them. The time has come to
reconsider these values. The idea of automatically supporting a son in law
should be abandoned. The work ethic should be restored to the way it was just a
few short decades ago - to the time I was dating. Young men – even in the Charedi
world – prepared for the future. They valued secular studies. They went to
college and thereby prepared for decent jobs and careers. Paying for Shiduchim
was unheard of in my day. I do not recall any one my contemporaries – even the
biggest Masmidim, getting married for dollars.
Women’s seminaries in Israel (and to a lesser extent Beis Yaakov
high schools) need to stop putting Kollel on a lone pedestal to the exclusion
of the working man. It is time for these Mechanchim to open the doors for these
women to value men who serve God in their own unique ways – not necessarily by
staying in a Kollel. They should value young men who are Ehrlich, Koveah Itim,
with good Midos and a good work ethic. Becoming
a professional, a businessman, or a tradesman should not be put down in any
way. Young men who seek these means of supporting a family should be built up – right along with the Kollel Man. This will open
up a far greater field of men for these young women to date.
As I have mentioned before – many times – dating should not
be limited to Shadchanim, or even to introductions by friends and family. The taboo of interaction between the sexes
should be lifted. Once a man or woman comes of marriageable age (often referred
to as ‘being in the Parsha’), they ought to be encouraged to meet socially. Prior
to that, there ought to be some sort of supervised interaction between young
people of the opposite sex. Like families with children of the opposite sex
inviting each other over for Shabbos meals. What would be so terrible if a
young man and woman saunter into the living room while their parents continue schmoozing
at the Shabbos table? There have been plenty of Shiduchim made this way.
Young people can also meet during a Shul Kiddush. When they
are in ‘the Parsha’ I would suggest mixed seating at weddings and other social events
be mandatory for singles. There are many ways for young people who are ‘in the Parsha’
to meet, once the reins of Charedi social taboos are lifted..
There is a lot more to say but this post is long enough. For me - one thing is certain. The current efforts to change things are not
nearly enough. It is like spitting in the wind. If we really want to change
things for the better, we need to get serious and make some of these major
changes. Otherwise, as R’ Shlomo suggests, the situation will indeed continue
to spiral downward.
