Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Marriages Based on Myth

by Guest Contributor

Once again I received some words of wisdom form a Charedi mental health professional. I know his identity but I honor his wish to remain anonymous.I asked for and got permission to post his comments as a guest contributor. It is unique and important in the sense that it was written from the perspective of both of the above credentials.Which I think gives it far more legitimacy than if only one of either of those credentials were present.It follows here in full, unedited.

I see a new post about an old subject.  Aside from articles in the major forum media outlets, with dramatic statements and suggestions, it's ho-hum.  Nothing new, same debates, same digging of heels, statistical arguments, etc.

I take a perspective here, hinted in some comments, but I'm a tad more emphatic.  I am busy with the ballooning rate of failed marriages, that explode within the first 1-2 years.  There are many issues, the greatest being the absence of maturity, adequate role models, and proper training prior to undertaking one of life's greatest responsibilities.  

But I highlight something else.  The pure unadulterated idiocy of making the mythical "learning boy" into a criterion for marriage.  For the potential klai kodesh, the kollel lifestyle is great, critical, and not replaceable.  For someone lacking that potential, it is a disservice to the individual and the community at all levels to fabricate an identity as a "learning boy".  Our girls schools also must stop pushing this myth.

What's my point?  I am sick and tired of consulting to couples who are now stuck in dead marriages based on this myth.  The pain and suffering that is almost universal to divorce today is mostly unnecessary.  And as long as our yeshivas and girls schools are purveyors of this stupidity, we will continue to watch many avoid the "shidduch crisis" by resorting to either a lie or delusion, and end up patronizing toanim, lawyers, and dayanim.  It is great for their parnosoh, but so many people suffer needlessly and in vain.  Torah, Torah, chigri sack.  Aside from people suffering, the Torah itself is being shamed by this foolishness.