The New Normal That is the Orthodox Lifestyle

Mishpacha columnist, Alex Fleksher

“I had a talmid once who went to that yeshivah in America. He then decided to go to medical school. I guess he was really into gashmiyus (materialism).” 

This comment was made by a Rebbe to an American student studying in a yeshiva in Israel when he informed him  that he was going back to America to study in a Yeshiva there. If there is anything that illustrates the problem with Charedi Chinuch in Israel, this is it.

In my view this attitude contributes mightily to destruction of a well balanced future for our people. It teaches that the very idea of going to medical school has little other value than making a lot of money. There is not a single thought given to any possible altruistic motive... that it might be about saving lives and healing the sick. For him and most other Mechanchim in Israel the the primary purpose of medical school is to make a lot of money. It is an ‘either/or’ for him. Either you study Torah or you are pursuing materialism. 

Yes, doctors do quite well financially. And a few of them may be in it for the money. But the truth is there are a lot better and easier ways to make a lot of money. Many times over what a doctor makes. Ask Warren Buffet or any successful hedge fund operator. 

The line I quoted was from a Mishpacha column by the ‘invisible’ Alex Fleksher. The American student it was made to was her husband. (Invisible because as a woman her photo is not published in the print edition while photos of male columnists are. But I digress.)

Alex’s reaction to this attitude is absolutely correct. As it happens her husband actually ended up going to medical school and is currently a primary care physician who works ‘day and night’ to provide for his family. And still has the time for family, Torah study, and is active in his community.

There is  however a question about one of the issues she raises. Which is how to maintain the lifestyle of a typical middle class Orthodox family. If one factors in the massively greater expenses required of observant Jews who want to educate their children accordingly, it requires a pretty hefty income. Far more than what might otherwise be needed to live a middle calls lifestyle. The question is, what exactly does that entail? What is the minimal Gashmiyus that is required to be considered normal in that community?

It’s true that in he ideal, we should eschew anything that is not absolutely needed to live. Which is mainly food, shelter, clothing, and educating our children. In the ideal the rest of our efforts should be spent on spiritual pursuits. 

The best example of what that kind of life might look like is that of R’ Aharon Leib Shteinman. He lived in what most of us would consider an impoverished lifestyle. But to this Tzadik any improvement over the most basic of human needs was wasteful. As a potential donor soon found out when he offered to improve R’ Steinman’s physical surroundings. He absolutely refused! (Talk about being Sameach B’Chelko!)

The reality is that most of us cannot be expected to live like that. And that’s fair. There are in fact legitimate expenses that are required of an observant home that exceed  R’ Shteinman’s expenses many times over. Especially in America where parents have to worry about tuition for their children’s  education. Not to mention the additional cost of feeding them a Kosher diet that is both nutritious and tastes good. 

There are also seasonal expenses like Pesach. And if a family lives in one of the two coasts - housing expenses are through the roof! That is because of the need to live close to one’s Shul so one can walk there on Shabbos. Observant parents are forced to live in neighborhoods where housing is in short supply and in high demand. Thus increasing housing costs well beyond what they might otherwise be. There is no option to move to a less crowded neighborhood that is further away and might be less expensive. 

The typical non Orthodox Jewish middle class family has none of these expenses. Additionally there are also the same expenses the rest of society has. Such as saving for retirement. In other word living a fully observant lifestyle ain’t cheap!

But to what extent do we need to improve over that? Here is what Alex says: 

In addition to all this, we’ve got a little communal issue with consumerism. There’s no doubt that societal expectations have gone through the roof. So we need to do all of the above, and in style. Pressure to conform, to maintain our image, and to present a certain way so that we and our children feel good about ourselves wreak havoc on our credit card bills. 

Today’s “normal” necessitates significant salaries for all these things, yet the pressures apply equally to all. Braces, summer camp, high-end clothes for each season for every child. Car leases, updated homes and furnishings, and exciting vacations. Most of us are just trying to look and be normal, to raise our kids normally, and if this is the new normal, then we have to work even harder (or go into more debt) to have it all. Yesterday’s wants have morphed into today’s needs.  

But is that really the case? Are all of these expenses the new normal? In my view these ‘expenses’ can be significantly reduced. I concede that not conforming to societal expectations at all is a prescription for being socially ostracized. Even if it is unintentional. That cannot be good for the mental well being of our children. They cannot go around being deprived of every single discretionary item everyone else has. On the other hand do we really need to go full hog in that direction?

Alex suggests that the stress of earning enough to pay to cater to these new ‘necessities’ has the potential of wreaking havoc on our families: 

…our race on the hamster wheel has the likely potential to impact stress levels, shalom bayis, and mental and physical health — of both ourselves and of our children. When our mental health is compromised and we are silently suffering, trying to muster up that love and enthusiasm for Yiddishkeit and raising our children to do the same, it’s a challenging feat. Judaism and its requirements (especially around Yom Tov) then feel like an insurmountable burden. 

I could not agree more. Alex suggest some areas where we might cut back on those ‘necessities’. While I agree with her, I think a lot more can be done. Do we have to - for example - buy the latest high end clothes for our children? Do we need to lease a new car every 3 years? Do we need to go on that ‘exciting’ vacation every year?

The answer to that in my book is no. Not if trying to provide it causes the kind of stress that can destroy a family. I think we would all do well if we understood that we need not keep up with the Katzes and Cohens in order to be well integrated into the community.  

Is that really true, though? Is it possible to live a ‘normal lifestyle’ without those kinds of expenditures? 

Consider this. When I was on the scholarship and tuition committee in my children’s elementary school, I saw appeals from parents whose incomes varied greatly. All them were what I would consider middle class observant Jews whose children were generally well integrated into their social groups. In considering requests for additional tuition relief we required each family to submit a family budget. 

The differences between what these families thought were ‘necessities’ were astounding. This tells me that one person’s necessities are another persons luxuries. A family with a relatively low income would list a far more modest household budget (by many thousands of dollars) than their wealthier counterparts. And yet all were well integrated into the Orthodox middle class. As were their children. 

Does this not speak volumes?