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| Image credit - Shema Yisrael Torah Network |
This phenomenon is the result of a culture gone wrong in
many ways. Both in the world of the
right wing and in the world of Modern Orthodoxy (MO) - albeit for entirely different reasons.
Interestingly this phenomenon does not really exist in the
Chasidic community. Chasidim get married
very young. Men and women both start dating at around the same age. It is not
uncommon for a Chasidic couple to get married when both are about 19 years old.
The ratio of men to women in the world is about 50/50. So it kind of equals
out. But for reasons that are beyond the scope of this post the Chasidic model
of marriage cannot realistically be applied to communities outside of their
own.
In the Modern Orthodox world there is an entirely different
problem. The world of Modern
Orthodox singles on the Upper West Side of New York is legendary. A lot of dating takes place in that world. But
dating that results in marriage is not as common as one would hope for. The
singles culture has taken on a life of its own. Being single in the Upper West
Side of New York seems to be almost the norm. I don’t know what the actual statistics
are but it seems to be common knowledge that many singles in that community
will stay permanently single – even while they continue to date.
There are many explanations given for this. It might be that
many of these people simply choose to be single. But I believe the most commonly
heard reason is ‘commitment phobia’ among MO men. I don’t know if that’s the
only – or even primary – reason. But I know of at least 2 cases of men who
dated women for months and even years with the assumption by the women that it
would eventually lead to marriage – where it never did. In one case there was
even an engagement where marriage never came to fruition. The fellow simply
could not commit to a date for the wedding. After a very long engagement the
couple broke it off. I have a feeling that this happens a lot there.
Why is that the case? Perhaps there is a bias influenced by
the general culture that promotes the single lifestyle. I don’t know. I would
not be surprised if in some cases the intimacy that results after long
courtships end up in a sexual relationship. (In fact I have heard that some
single women have begun using a Mikva to avoid the severe Halachic violation of
having a sexual relationship with a Niddah.)
Let me be quick to add that the world of the Upper West Side
singles is mostly of the MO-Lite or left wing variety. I am not being
judgmental here. Just stating what I believe to be a fact. Most RWMO Jews do
not subscribe to this lifestyle. In fact they are closer to the Yeshiva
model. But not entirely. Which is of
benefit to them in terms of getting married. In fact I think that their model
of dating is the correct one – if my assumptions are right. I say this knowing
that I will be accused of promoting my own Hashkafos. I will take that risk because
I really do believe it is the better model. More about this later.
In the non Chasidic Yeshiva world women start dating at
about age 19; men at about age 23. The choices for men therefore include the entire
range of women ages 19 to 23. In theory there are now 5 young women for
every eligible young male in the Yeshiva world. And for the 23 year old Yeshiva
man – the younger the woman the better. So at age 24, a young woman will feel
like an old maid when age is counted in “Shiddach years.” So it is easy to see why
this is considered a crisis. There are other reasons for this crisis. More
about that later too.
What to do…
I have no clue how to deal with the world of MO dating. The right wing Yeshiva world, however, seems
to be the more fixable. The obsession with Tznius has created a world where
options are severely limited. The only way that a couple can get together for
dating purposes is through a Shadchan. That Shadchan can take the form of a Rosh
Yeshiva, a Mashgiach, or a Rebbe. It can be a professional or a neighbor who
knows a lot of young people; a family member, or even a mutual friend that
might recommend a potential couple to each other.
While these are all legitimate ways of meeting people, they
give an inordinate amount of power to the Shadchan while giving little or no power
to the young couple. They are at the mercy of others. There is no chance for
any of them to meet outside of these contexts. Their researched lives become an
open book to Shadchanim whose personal biases will influence how they evaluate them
for an “appropriate” date.
Chance meetings are very discouraged and the right wing
world goes to great lengths to prevent it. Increasingly so as the Tznius chase
continues to climb up the pole of absurdity!
Separating the sexes in the Yeshiva world has become an obsession
which has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous. In some communities families
that have been friends for years stop inviting each other over for a Shabbos meal once their male and female children reach adolescence. The Shul Kiddush
which used to be mixed and a wonderful way for two people to meet is now often
separated by a Mechitza – if not an entirely separate room. Weddings which used
to be mixed seating (and where one could find legitimate Gedolei HaDor sitting
together with their wives) are now virtually nonexistent. Images of women are
barely tolerated and if the trend continues will eventually disappear entirely
from that world.
Needless to say mixed social events of even the most Kosher
kind - are almost completely forbidden in this world (The possible
exception being for Kiruv purposes, like NCSY events.… and even then frowned
upon by some right wing rabbinic leaders).
It really seems like common sense has been thrown out the
window! The obsession with Tznius has added unnecessary fuel to the fire of the
Shidduch crisis. Which brings me back to the way RWMO Jews date. Like their Chaeredi counterparts (and unlike
their Left wing and MO-Lite counterparts) RWMO Jews date for Tachlis. Tachlis
is the Hebrew word for purpose. In the Yeshiva world the term is used in
context of dating for marriage but not for social purposes.
But the options for
RWMO Jews are not limited to Shadchanim – although they are used as one source
for dating. That opens up a whole world
of possibilities that does not exist in the world of the right.
All of the above examples (e.g. meeting via a family Shabbos
meal or at a Kiddush in Shul, etc.) are available options for them. 2 people
can meet in an open and innocent environment and decide for themselves if they
want to see each other beyond the initial meeting. Meeting in this way eliminates being over-researched
by a Shadchan which can kill a courtship before it ever starts. Even something
like knowing the age of a potential date can do that.
When 2 people meet on
their own age is not a factor. A young woman may be older than the young man who seems interested in
her. After they have dated for a while and their respective ages become known, it won't hurt the relationship- even if the young woman is older than the young man. My oldest daughter met her husband that way. She is almost 5 years older than him! And yet, I wonder how many young men will automatically reject a date who is even
the same age let alone older?
The Yeshiva world needs to recognize just how flawed its
Tznius model is - and how harmful it is to the Shidduch crisis. In my view whatever
benefits are gained by separating the sexes to such an extreme – they pale in comparison
to what is lost.
