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| The 'learner' - cookie cutter products of Jewish education |
What are young
Orthodox Jewish women looking for in a husband? What are they taught to look
for? There is no single answer to these questions. It depends upon which segment of
the Orthodox community you were raised in and to which you now belong.
What seems
to increasingly be the case - even among some young Modern Orthodox Jewish women on
the right (RWMO) - is that they seek ‘learners’. That is the common term for
someone who seeks to continue full time Torah study indefinitely beyond marriage. This is now the ‘ideal’ husband.
In right
wing Charedi circles that has been the case for 2 or 3 decades if not longer.
But now even many young Modern Orthodox women attend seminaries in Israel and are
taught to seek this new ‘learner’ prototype. A lot of post high school seminaries
in Israel target Modern Orthodox young women. These seminaries appear to have moderate Hashkafos. But their true Hashkafos are Charedi. The people who run these places can best be described as ‘sheep in wolf’s clothing’.
What I mean
is that they advertise as being oriented to Modern Orthodox sensibilities but their
real goals are to instill Charedi values into their students. Perhaps the most
prominent of which is putting the full time ‘learner’ at the top of the prestige
pile. Often these seminary leaders are from a Modern Orthodox background. But they have
become Charedi via their own prior immersion into the Charedi world during their time
in Israel post high school. They too have gone to Yeshivos that target Modern
Orthodox families under the guise of moderation - and those Yeshivos grind out
Charedim. As I often say, there is
no greater zealot for any cause than one who is converted to it.
This issue
is discussed quite brilliantly by Ari Lapin in a Jewish Press article entitled,
‘What Were We Thinking?’
He makes the
case that the Torah world has turned into the complete opposite of what Torah True Judaism
(to borrow a favorite Charedi phrase) teaches about the importance of supporting
a family:
As you would expect of a nation with the mission of being an ohr lagoyim, we have avoided this problem entirely. In fact, we have pulled a hoax of such proportion that one almost expects to see the Elders of Zion crouching in the shadows and pulling the strings to effect it. We have educated our young women, our future wives and mothers, to believe that not only is a young man with a job or a degree not to be sought after, but he is in fact someone to be avoided at all cost. Our daughters now seek precisely those men who are incapable of supporting them and their children.
Indeed!
What is the
fallout from this new world we have produced? Among other things: poverty,
family dysfunction, and children at risk. While that is certainly not the rule… and does not apply all at once or in
equal measure, these problems not only exist, they seem to be growing by leaps
and bounds. As is another problem - the so
called Shidduch crisis.
There are a
lot of young women who are having difficulties getting dates. Not because there
aren’t enough men or because of the so-called age gap. It is because they seek ‘learners’. Not only must they still be learning and promise to continue
doing so in a Kollel, they must be good at it. Meaning that when doing research
about a potential date, they will want to know how well they are thought of by
peers and mentors. No mediocrity
accepted. Certainly no ‘fake-offs’.
Imagine how
limited such a pool of young men must be. Imagine further that the cream of
such a crop is usually advised to look for women whose parents have lots of money.
Enough of it to support them fully for a very long time - perhaps even indefinitely!
And then consider the fact that it is a lot easier for a woman to want a ‘learner’
than it is for a man be a ‘learner’. This increases the ratio of ‘good’ women to
‘good’ men substantially.
For the
average 19 year old in the Charedi world (and increasingly in the Right Wing
Modern Orthodox world) that leaves precious few men who are considered worthy
enough for marriage.
If one
really wants to know why there is a Shidduch crisis, they should pay attention to
this phenomenon and try and do something about it.
There are a
lot of solutions being bandied about by rabbinic figures these days about how to
help these poor young women who become ‘old maids’ at age 21. They are now
advocating that men marry earlier in order to reduce the age gap. A
questionable tactic at best.
I sometimes
wonder how the rabbinic leaders can ignore the very real issues I mentioned
that contribute to the problem. Those
issues need to be addressed. Orthodox Jewish men are being taught to avoid
supporting their families and women are taught to see this as the ideal! The poverty
and all that it entails cannot always be avoided. Their latest suggestion that
men marry earlier just contributes to the problem since the responsibilities of
supporting a family begin even earlier.
The solution
to this problem is not rocket science. What needs to be done here is something
that would clearly help to solve many of the problems that this community
suffers including -and perhaps especially - the Shidduch ‘crisis’.
Instead of
indoctrinating every single man and women that learning Torah full time is the
only value worth pursuing for all males, they need to go back to a time where
young men were taught to become Frum Baalei Batim. This should be an across the
board attitude no matter how great a ‘learner’ one is or is capable of becoming.
Young women should be urged to seek such men too and consider them first class marriage
material – not second class ones. The old(new) paradigm of ‘learners only’ has
to be discarded.
What about
the need for Torah leaders who require full time Torah study to achieve that pinnacle?
They are the elite among us who are represented in every generation by the few.
They are the R’ Moshe Feinsteins and the Rav Aharon Kotlers. They are the Rav
Yoshe Ber Soloveitchiks and the Rav Ahron Soloveichiks, They are the Rav Yitzchak Hutners
and the Rav Yaakov Kamenetskys.
Young people
with this potential; with these kinds of qualifications exist and should be encouraged to proceed along
that path. They are currently buried in the tens of thousands of students all
doing the same thing.
Now these
brilliant and highly motivated young men may someday rise to achieve their full
potential. But the rest will not. In most cases they should not be in Kollel. Certainly
beyond a couple of years or so post marriage. They should be prepared in the earliest
stages of their education to have the tools to find decent jobs by getting a
fundamental secular education. They can then go on to become professionals or well
trained people in business world, in the crafts, or in the arts. And women should
be taught to seek out these people for marriage as first rate husbands .
It is common
sense. Unfortunately common sense is becoming a very rare commodity these days.
