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| Traditional Jewish matchmaker Heather Sirota (The Guardian) |
I recently addressed this issue based on an article in
Mishapcha Magazine by philanthropist, Shlomo Rechnitz. Therein he quoted
an experienced Shadchan who told him that young women 25 years of age or older have
about a 15% chance (or less) of getting married.
True this statistic is anecdotal. But even if you double
that to 30%. It means that a whopping 70% of Charedi girls over that age will
never get married. Besides, the observations of an experienced Shadchan should not
be discounted as they probably do reflect reality.
I am angry that a segment of Orthodoxy that considers itself
to be the most religious among us has a problem like this to such an extent.
As I said in my previous post - I do not see the age gap to
be the real problem in light of the fact that there are as many boys are born
each year as there are girls born each year. That means one boy is available for
one girl. Despite ‘explanations’ about an age gap, I remain unconvinced.
I am not going to re-hash my reasoning here. What I will, however, say is that the real problem is the Charedi Shidduch system itself (as it is practiced in the Lithuanian type Yeshiva world). There is so much wrong with it, I’m not even sure where to begin. But instead of being accused of Charedi bashing, I will quote what 3 young Charedi women themselves have said in the letters section of the most recent edition of Mishpacha Magazine (unavailable online).
I am not going to re-hash my reasoning here. What I will, however, say is that the real problem is the Charedi Shidduch system itself (as it is practiced in the Lithuanian type Yeshiva world). There is so much wrong with it, I’m not even sure where to begin. But instead of being accused of Charedi bashing, I will quote what 3 young Charedi women themselves have said in the letters section of the most recent edition of Mishpacha Magazine (unavailable online).
This issue’s letters section is the largest one I have ever
seen. It is many pages long and divided into different segments. It was eye
opening to see these young women say some of the same things I have been saying
for years on the subject.
The first was written by a 24 year old single woman. She describes
herself as a typical Beis Yaakov girl. She has been ‘in Shidduchim’ for 5
years. In all that time she has dated a total of 10 boys. That’s 2 per year.
She further claims that she is one of the lucky ones – that her friends who do
not have her resume (which is quite impressive) haven’t had more than 2 dates
in that entire 5 year period.
What is her suggestion? It is the same suggestion I have advocated for
quite some time: Change the message imparted to young girls in high school. Do not
teach girls about supporting their husbands and raising their children. She cringes
when she reads her high school notebooks. By stressing a girl’s mission in life
as a wife and mother that may never apply to so large a percentage of them, ‘they
are literally destroying us’. ‘It’s time to change the way the Yeshiva system works.’
Another letter was written by a 28 year old spinster. (That’s
right. Spinster. Get angry at that word. That’s why I use it. It is outrageous, but it is
how a 28 year old unmarried girl is seen.) Her first dating experience was a
disaster. Since then, 9 years have passed and she is now treated by her
community as hopeless. And she is justifiably upset by that. They don’t see a
person. They see a ‘Nebech’. The biggest
source of pain for her, however, is waiting for the phone to ring. Or watching
others move on and feeling the pain of younger girls getting married and having
families.
She compares how her Charedi community treats her at age 28 as hopeless - to the way she is treated at work by her secular
colleagues. A few years ago when she turned
25 she attended a team meeting and started crying. Her supervisor came in the
next day and said, ‘I hope I am not being disrespectful toward your culture,
but when I came home I felt so angry.’ ‘I felt angry that a society that can
make a person feel that bad about
turning 25.’
This 28 year old young woman agreed with her colleague. ‘She
was right.’ ‘Why is it that in the
secular world I am viewed as a young adult with my whole life ahead of me, and
the fact that I am single doesn’t even cross their minds?’
They do not pity her or think less of her because she isn’t
married by age 25. By contrast in the Charedi world – with every passing
birthday girls are made to feel ‘afraid, rejected, and undesirable’.
And then she suggests something I have advocated for years:
Do not judge a potential Shidduch by their age. Judge them by their character.
(What a concept!)
A third letter was written by a Charedi young woman that
does not reveal her age. She makes the same common sense points I have made
before. First, the idea of boys getting married younger means that husbands
will be even less equipped for marriage than their older counterparts. Her
biggest problem, however, is dating boys who are not worldly.
As many people know the Charedi world encourages their young
men to learn Torah full time for as long as they can. In pursuit of that goal
they minimize the value of secular studies (if not completely disparaging it)
in favor of studying more Torah. Students do not interact at all with the
outside world – other than when they have to, and even then they minimize it.
Girls on the other hand do get a decent education. They are
in fact encouraged to do so in order to be better able to support their husbands.
That makes girls better educated and more worldly than the boys they date. These
young men do not even speak the same language as the girls they date.
The ‘Yeshiva Bachur’ is accustomed to speaking ‘Yeshivish’ which is the
new language of Torah study in America. In pre-war Europe it was Yiddish. (Yeshivish
is English that is heavily peppered with Yiddish, Hebrew, and Aramaic using many
of the expressions found in the Gemarah as part of the lexicon. To the
untrained ear, it may sound like gibberish.)
In my view these three letters by Charedi women ‘in Shidduchim’
tell the real story of what is wrong with the system. And why efforts like
trying to close the age gap by lowering the age of marriage for boys, or
offering huge payoffs to those who successfully make a Shidduch with an older
girl (over 25) is nothing more than applying band aid to a major open wound.
I should note that not all the letters were all that wise.
One in particular letter writer suggested that women be less educated so as to make
them more equal to men.
The only real solution is to change the way Shidduchim are
made. I’m not saying that Shadchanim be eliminated. But I do suggest that they
be re-educated about what is important in setting up a young man with a young
woman. That age never be mentioned at all. On that note parents too should be
re-educated about that too - no less the young men doing the dating. I would
put an asterisk by any boy (or parent)who
asked about a girl’s age… as lacking character. Same thing asking about dress
size.
But dating should not be limited to Shadchanim. There should
be other ways for a young man and young woman to meet – once they are ready to
get married.
Another thing that needs to change is the way young men are
educated. Even discounting the fact that they should be educated at least for
purposes of making a living - they need to learn how to speak English properly
and be more worldly so that can be a match for their better educated and more
worldly spouses. A Yeshiva man who speaks only Yeshivish and has no clue about
the world around him ought not to the ideal sought in a Yeshiva education.
If the paradigm does not change, the situation will only get
worse. Unfortunately I don’t think it
will, which is why I am so angry about it!
